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...Don Pardo ...Lance Armstrong Don Pardo (VO): And now a public service announcement from Lance Armstrong. [Cut to a close-up of Lance Armstrong seated on a bicycle at homebase] Lance Armstrong: Hi, I'm Lance Armstrong. I won the Tour de France seven times in a row, but that's not what I'm here to talk to you about tonight. Instead, I'm here to talk about something far more serious. You see, most people don't know that I only learned how to ride a bicycle nine years ago. [The audience gasps] Lance Armstrong: Yep, it's true. Prior to that, I couldn't last three seconds on a bike. I would fall down. A lot. You won't believe the scars I got. I'd show them to you, but the network censor said that they're not suitable for broadcast. [proudly] Let's just say that my doctor says that it's a miracle that I can still walk! But anyway, that all changed on a day that I'll never forget. On that day, I discovered the key to my salvation after years of bitter failure. What was it, you ask? Two simple words, my friends. [dramatic pause] Training wheels. [The camera pulls back to reveal that the bicycle Lance Armstrong is sitting on is equipped with training wheels] Lance Armstrong: Now, you're probably thinking, "But, Lance, training wheels are for little kids." Well, you're wrong, dumbass! It doesn't matter how old you are! From the young toddler to the old octogenarian, training wheels are important. See, I learned the hard way that there are people out there who don't use training wheels when they should. From the fifteen year-old who thinks he's too tough to the fifty-nine year old president who falls off of his bicycle every six months, training wheels CAN make a difference in your life, if you'll let them. Folks, you shouldn't feel ashamed about using training wheels. If you're thirtysomething and still don't know how to ride a bike, go ahead and use them! We know that a number of you are using them at night to prevent being mocked by your peers, but you shouldn't have to hide anymore! Don't be afraid! Get out there and proudly show off your training wheels! They serve as badges of honor, not sources of shame! Look, just try them today. I promise you won't regret it. I'm Lance Armstrong. Good night. [Lance Armstrong slowly pedals off-camera with a smile on his face] Don Pardo (VO): This has been Lance Armstrong for training wheels. [Cut to a newspaper headline that reads: "Bush Falls Off Bicycle Equipped with Training Wheels. How Is That Even Possible?"] [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
