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Announcer (VO)... Don Pardo Officer Sikowsky... Chris Parnell Officer Jenkins... Lance Armstrong Homeowner... Finesse Mitchell Rollerblader... Jason Sudeikis Dispatcher (VO)... Tina Fey Dog Walker... Fred Armisen (open on an outdoor suburban setting, a tree-lined sidewalk with homes in the background. An African-American man is out in front of his house, putting trash bags out by the curb near a tree. As he finishes setting the bags down, two police officers walk up to him. The older one (Sikowsky) stands closest to to the man, while the younger cop (Jenkins) stands behind Sidowsky. They both have serious expressions on their faces. The homeowner looks at them with some surprise, he doesn't know why they are there.) Homeowner: Oh, hello officers. Can I help you with anything? Officer Sikowsky: (stern) Afternoon, sir. Would you, uh, mind telling us what's in those bags you've got there? (He points at the garbage bags on the ground.) Homeowner: (confused) Um... my garbage. Officer Sikowsky: (inquisitive) Your garbage? Homeowner: (still confused) Yeah... garbage, trash, refuse, waste products. If you want any more synonyms I can go inside and get my thesaurus. Officer Sikowsky: That won't be necessary, sir. (He turns to Jenkins) Write him up, Jenkins. The man just confessed to littering. That's a three hundred dollar fine right there. Officer Jenkins: You got it, sir. (Jenkins gets out his pad and starts to write up a fine. The man looks at them like they're crazy.) Homeowner: (shocked) What the hell... littering?! My trash is bagged! The garbage men will pick it up tomorrow morning like they do every week! Officer Jenkins: (hostile) Don't give me that bull, brother. You can't coast through life thinking the government's going to take care of all your messes. A man's got to take responsibility for his own mistakes. You got that?! Officer Sikowsky: (in a calming tone) Easy there, Jenkins, easy. You don't need another police brutality charge brought up against you. Homeowner: (sighs in frustration) Look, I don't have time for this nonsense. If you'll excuse me, I have some work to do. (The homeowner bends down and picks up a pair of branch cutters that was laying near the tree. As he picks them up, the officers pull out their guns and focus them on him.) Officer Sikowsky: (loudly) Drop the weapon! Now! (The homeowner drops his cutters in shock and raises his hands. He is quite frightened) Homeowner: (scared) I... I wasn't trying to threaten you! Honest! I just needed to trim some branches on that elm tree! Officer Sikowsky: Just gonna cut some branches, were you? (He turns to Jenkins again) You got that, Jenkins? Officer Jenkins: Got it, Sikowsky. The man just confessed to attempted murder. I'll cuff him for you. (Jenkins pulls a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket and goes over to the homeowner, ready to put them on his wrists.) Homeowner: (growing frustrated) Attempted murder? What the?... how the hell could I kill someone by cutting branches?! Officer Jenkins: (chuckling sinisterly) Well, it looks like someone hasn't watched enough CSI, have they. Office Sikowsky: (also chuckling) Yeah, it sure looks that way, Jenkins. (As this conversation goes on, Jenkins moves the homeowner over to the gate around his house and slaps one end of the cuff around his wrist, and another to one of the bars in the gate. The homeowner is, in effect, now bound to his gate.) Officer Sikowsky: When you've seen that a man can die when a melting block of ice shorts out a phone wire and electrocutes him when he picks up the receiver, you learn of the horrors that a clipped tree branch can pose to an unsuspecting individual. Falling on their heads, tripping over them and breaking their face... the results are many and tragic. (He looks at the handcuffed man, then to Jenkins, and nods approvingly to his colleague) That's some nice work, Jenkins. Let's call the station and have them bring this sicko in. Officer Jenkins: You got it, sir. (He pulls out his cell phone and starts dialing the station) Homeowner: (flustered & loud) Are you people retarded?! Officer Sikowsky: No, sir. (The camera zooms in for a close-up of his face. He tips the brim of his hat down and gives a wink.) We're Sidewalk Patrol. (Dissolve to opening credits showing officers Jenkins and Sikowsky running down the street, passing by homes, lampposts, trees and mailboxes. A COPS-like beat plays over the scene, as the words "SIDEWALK PATROL" appear at the bottom of the screen.) Announcer: Sidewalk Patrol. Upholding law and order on the pavements of America. (Dissolve to another urban sidewalk scene where a young man is roller-blading down the street. He stops at a tree to catch his breath, and after a few seconds Jenkins and Sikowsky walk up next to him. Sikowsky has his left arm behind his back..) Rollerblader: Oh, good afternoon officers. Officer Jenkins: (in a serious tone) Afternoon, sir. You, uh, mind telling me what you're doing here? Rollerblader: (confused) Um... I'm roller skating, officer. Just getting some exercise in while it's still warm enough. Officer Jenkins: Mm-hm, keeping in shape. Good for you. You wouldn't happen to know how fast you were going, would you now? Rollerblader: (still confused) Not, not really, no. They don't make any of those personal speed meters for skating. Officer Sikowsky: (equally serious) No they don't, that's why we have these. (He pulls his left arm out from behind his back, revealing a radar gun.) And I happened to clock you going about 31 back on Emerson Avenue, which is a residential area. And as everyone knows, the maximum speed limit in a residential zone is only 25 miles per hour. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pad and pen, then begins to write on it.) I'm gonna have to write you up for speeding. Rollerblader: (incredulously) Speeding? On roller skates? (The officers nod, and his temper begins to show) Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?! Officer Sikowsky: Sir, the law is no joke. You're a risk to yourself and everyone on the sidewalk when you exceed the speed limit. (He finishes writing the ticket and hands it to the skater) You have ten days to pay that fine. If you have not complied by the ten day limit, we'll see you in court. (The skater looks at the ticket, and his anger grows) Rollerblader: (madder) Seventy five bucks for going six miles over the limit on skates?! What the hell kind of insanity is this? Officer Jenkins: (threatening) Hey! You don't raise your voice to an officer of the law, comprende? Rollerblader: (out of patience) I'm out of here. I don't want to spend another minute near you lunatics. (The skater turns around to leave, but is stopped by Jenkins calling to him) Officer Jenkins: Hold up. (The skater turns around, still angry) Aren't you going to try and get out of that ticket by offering us sexual favors? Rollerblader: (even more confused) What?! Officer Sikowsky: Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't done that. Everyone we bust for speeding says they'll give us a hummer if we'll forget about the ticket. It's become sort of a tradition. I'm kind of disappointed you haven't asked us yet. Rollerblader: (now disgusted) Good God, that is sick! I'm not going to orally pleasure you to get out of paying this joke ticket! Officer Jenkins: Well, to tell you the truth, you wouldn't have gotten out of paying anyway. We would have slapped you with another fine for propositioning an officer. But you could at least give us the common courtesy. (The skater scoffs incredulously and skates off, leaving Jenkins and Sikowsky at the scene. A scowl grows on Jenkins' face) Officer Jenkins: (annoyed) The nerve of that guy! How dare he not try to sway our judgement with the promise of a rimjob! That is just low. Officer Sikowsky: Calm down, Jenkins, calm down. Some people just don't know how to play the game. Anyway, we did our part, and hopefully that fellow has learned his lesson. People like him have to learn to promote safety and security on the sidewalks, for themselves and for other citizens. It's just a pity that so many don't take this seriously. Officer Jenkins: Like that jogger you fined last Thursday. Officer Sikowsky: Exactly. I told him up front that you need to wear padding and a helmet if you're going to be engaged in a potentially harmful activity, and he looked at me like I was nuts. (He shakes his head in disappointment) To think that some people have so little regard for their own well-being. Officer Jenkins: That's why we're here, Sikowsky. If it wasn't for us, the pavements would be crawling with criminals doing God knows what. (Suddenly, a loud static crackle is heard, followed by a feminine voice) Dispatcher: Attention all avaliable units, disturbance at 40th and Chestnut. Please respond. (Sikowsky reaches into his pocket and pulls out a two-way police radio. He presses a button and speaks into it.) Officer Sikowsky: Sikowsky reporting. What's the problem? Dispatcher: We've got a 618 and four-sevenths on 40th and Chestnut, Sikowsky. We need you to get there before the perp bolts. Officer Sikowsky: We're on it, Sikowsky out. (He turns off the radio and puts it back in his pocket.) A 618 and four-sevenths. That's some serious horse-pucky there. Let's roll, Jenkins. (Jenkins and Sikowsky dart off to the right and off screen. It cuts to another cut-scene similar to the introduction, showing the two cops running through a suburban setting. After a few seconds, the scene changes to a sidewalk corner in front of a brick building where a casually dressed man is standing. He has an Afghan pup on a leash, and the two are walking away from a fire hydrant, the dog obviously having urinated. The man is shocked when the two officers rush up to him.) Dog Walker: (startled) Is there a problem, officers? Officer Jenkins: (harsh) Can it, man, we're not here for small talk. (He points to a spot on the ground near the fire hyrdant.) Just what the hell is that? Dog Walker: My dog had to relieve itself. I simply let him do his business. Officer Sikowsky: And you were just gonna walk away and leave his mess there for anyone to step in, weren't you? Well I don't know what backwater country you come from, buddy, but this is America, and in America we have laws that say you've gotta clean up after your pets! Now get down there and get rid of that mess! (Sikowsky points to the spot Jenkins did. The dog walker looks at the spot on the ground and turns to them in confusion) Dog Walker: It's urine... Officer Sikowsky: Yeah, so? Dog Walker: It's a liquid. It's spread out across the ground now. I can't pick it up by hand. Officer Sikowsky: That's why we have a little something called a straw, punk. (He pulls a straw out of his pocket and gives it to the man) Start slurping. Dog Walker: (incredulous) You can't be serious... you're not gonna make me... I mean that's just... (The officers look at him sternly, and he sighs in defeat) Fine, I'll suck it up. (The dog walker puts his leash down takes the straw and bends down near the hydrant to suck up the urine. Slurping sounds can be heard, along with an occasional gagging or groan of disgust. The officers look at each other and nod.) Officer Jenkins: (in awe) Now that's teaching him a lesson. Officer Sikowsky: (proudly) Well, I don't like to get harsh, but people have to learn that the sidewalks are not their own personal toilet. The people of this fine city have a right to walk on a clean sidewalk without fear of walking through the wee-wee or "otherwise" of some inconsiderate lout's pet. Officer Jenkins: Amen to that. And if you've gotta bust a couple of heads to get the point across, well, then it's their own damn fault for leaving such a mess around. (The dog walker gets up from the ground with a disgusted look on his face.) Dog Walker: (sounding sick) Oh... dear God... that was horrible. That was the sickest thing I have ever done in my life. Officer Sikowsky: Well, sometimes doing the right thing hurts. Hell, consider yourself lucky that we gave you the chance to fix this mess instead of writing you up. Dog Walker: (still sick, and sarcastic) Yeah, thanks a lot. You're all heart. (He gags) Oh God. I think I swallowed a bug! (Jenkins slaps the man on the back, and he spits something out) Officer Jenkins: There, ya got another lucky break. We could've written you up for animal cruelty as well. Dog Walker: (spitting angrily) I cannot believe the gall of you psychos. (He grabs the leash and looks at his dog) Come on Rascal, we're going home and packing up so we can move to a saner city. (The dog walker and his Afghan leave the area to the left. Once gone, Sikowsky gets a look of realization of his face) Officer Sikowsky: Did he call that dog "Rascal." (He turns in the direction the dog walker left in) Hey, there's a thirty dollar fine for giving pets faggy names! Yo!... damnit, he's gone. Officer Jenkins: Shouldn't we go after him, Sikowsky. Officer Sikowsky: (somberly) Ah, what's the point. We bust our butts to bring these scumbags, and half the time they're back on the curb in less than a day, ready to do it all over again. (He sighs dejectedly) Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying. Officer Jenkins: (seriously) I'll tell you why you try, man, because you care about the security of the sidewalks and the people who walk on them. Because someone has to maintain order and bring down these crooks, and you know damn well that you're the one who can do just that. (He puts his hand on Sikowsky's shoulder supportively) You're a damn good cop, Sikowsky, and you've made a difference in this town. Just think of all the crimes you've prevented, the thugs you brought to justice. Remember that can-kicker last year? Officer Sikowsky: (whistfully) Yeah, I remember him well. Led me on quite a chase, that one did. I trailed him for forty two blocks before I finally brought him down. I was lucky to catch him before he crossed county lines. But I got him, and when I was through, he was less focused on kicking a can and more concerned with not kicking the bucket. (He laughs in recollection, and soon Jenkins joins in. After the laughter dies down, Sikowsky turns to look at Jenkins and smiles whistfully.) Thanks, Jenkins. I just needed someone to remind me of why I took this job in the first place. Officer Jenkins: Any time, pal. (The two smile and look at each other, then begin making out. Another static crackle is heard from their police radio) Dispatcher: Calling officers Jenkins and Sikowsky, report in. (The two stop kissing and Sikowsky backs up. He pulls his radio out and answers it.) Officer Sikowsky: Sikowsky here, what's the problem? Dispatcher: Took you a while to reply. You weren't making out with Jenkins again, were you? Officer Sikowsky: Don't... don't be ridiculous. (He and Jenkins look rather embarassed) Dispatcher: (sarcastically) Sure you weren't. (her tone returns to normal.) Anyway, there's a report of vandalism on Houndstooth Lane in front of the library. Suspects are three young males approximately eight to nine years of age, two Caucasian, one Hispanic. They've been observed chalking up the sidewalk, and it's feared they may escalate to scrawling on the brick walls. Please respond to the situation. Officer Sikowsky: We'll get right on it, Sikowsky out. (he turns off the radio and puts it away, and his tone becomes bitter.) The Hopscotch Trio's back in town. (He clutches his fist) I knew those little punks would turn up again sooner or later. Officer Jenkins: I remember the last time we dealt with those bastards. Defacing pristine pavement and brick walls, and what did they have to say for themselves? (in a mocking, whiny voice) "The, the rain's gonna wash it away!" Well, they won't get any sympathy from me this time. I checked the forecast this morning, and it's not expected to rain for at least eight days! (He reaches into his holster, pulls out his pistol and cocks it.) Those scumbags are gonna learn that they just can't leave their messes for Mother Nature to clean up. Officer Sikowsky: Damn right, Jenkins. We're gonna put an end to their graffiti-spreading days once and for all. (He gets his pistol and cocks it as well.) And this time... (the camera zooms in for a close-up of his face) it's personal. (The camera pulls out as the two cops begin to run off. The scene then cuts to another cutscene showing them running through the suburban streets. The theme music cues up again, and "SIDEWALK PATROL" appears at the bottom of the screen.) (fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
