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Ed Bradley...Kenan Thompson Andy Rooney...Bill Hader (studio of 60 Minutes) Ed Bradley: ...and judging from the CIA leak, the Bush administration is in for an investigation. And now, a few minutes with Andy Rooney. (cut to messy office area of Andy Rooney) Andy Rooney: Everyday I get letters from my fans asking what is it that makes me tick. I’ll tell you what makes me tick. Everytime I get up in the morning I think about everything that comes into my mind. Sort of a stream of consciousness type of life, I guess. One morning while eating at Denny’s, I noticed that they didn’t serve corn beef hash. What ever happened to corn beef hash? I found it quite yummy. Not a lot of salt, but a salt-like texture. And its gooey paste of a taste always made my mouth water. Is corn beef hash really that bad that they don’t hold it at a Denny’s? What has become of our culture? And why the heck can't I get a serving of corn beef hash at Denny's? Who are the Neo-Nazis that are keeping something good wholesome and decent away from this journalist. The answer is, I don't know. Jumbo shrimp. Calling something big as small, and vice versa. I believe that there should be a word for this type of thing, and that’s my opinion. When was the last time that anybody came up with new patterns to put on umbrellas? All I see are solid colors; one color, on each of them. And who invented the umbrella? Who came up with the idea to pull back on a tab and bring the umbrella to life? And where do you get umbrellas? And why is it so bad to open an umbrella indoors? Who are the Neo-Nazis who came up with the rule? No matter what you say to me, I’m sticking to my gut: a gondola is the same thing as a canoe. Elbow macaroni is such a strange shape for a pasta. And what about the fusilli? Pinwheel? It all tastes the same to me. Why is it that wolves have fangs and I don’t? I’m better than a wolf, but you don’t see me with fangs! Who are the Neo-Nazi who gave wolves fangs? I'd like to know. I deserve fangs, and would put them to good use. There are so many different types of candy bars out now, and they are all made of chocolate. (for next sequence, he starts taking out candy bars and showing to audience) This is a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. This is a Snickers. This one is called a Mars bar. Butterfinger. Whatchamicallit! This is 3 Musketeers. This one is called a Clark bar. Oh Henry! Caramello. Another Snickers bar. More Snickers. Another Butterfinger. Fast Break. This one is called a Baby Ruth. This is another Caramello. This is another Snickers. I'm Andy Rooney and thank you for spending just a few minutes with me, Andy Rooney. Good night. (back to studio) Ed Bradley: Thank you for joining us on 60 Minutes. Next weekend on 60 Minutes, we will talk about the federal deficit, interview the husband of the CIA operative victim, and visit the damage sustained by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. And Andy Rooney will be back to talk about the lack of people who where nightcaps anymore and why firefighters should go back to wearing red instead of yellow. Good night. (fin) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
