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Announcer.....Don Pardo Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond John Kerry.....Seth Meyers George W. Bush.....Will Forte .....Jason Lee (Fade in) (The Official Vice President Seal) Announcer: Saturday Night You, normally read at this time will be delayed so that we may bring you the following special address from the Vice President of The United States, Dick Cheney. (Fade in on Dick Cheney sitting at the President’s Oval Office desk) Dick Cheney: Good evening, fellow Americans. First off, I’d like to start by greeting all those illegal aliens who might be employed by Wal-Mart. You can turn off the television; this address does not concern you. It is not for your ears or your eyes. But, you know what, it doesn’t really matter. Even if you were watching quite frankly, you won’t understand a word I’m saying! (Devilish laugh) Bill Maher gave me that joke! (Laughs again) The reason, America, I am addressing you is because we here in this country are dealing with some troubled times. Members of this administration are getting arrested quicker than an old person soaking their “adult diaper”. It’s a terrible thing in this country. You should see George’s father! Oops…he soiled himself! (Laughs) I guess I shouldn’t be making fun of an old friend, but it’s just so damn easy to make fun of the senile bastard! Like I said, troubled roads continue for this country. A wonderful film “North Country” seems to be kept away from the popular crowds, in favor of an animated children’s feature about a little talking chicken. It’s one of George W’s new favorites! I took him to see it and afterwards, we went to KFC, and we wanted to know why his “3-piece with coleslaw” wasn’t talking back to him. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was just a movie. Old habits seem to never die. Gas prices are still high, “The Desperate Housewives” are still down (coughs) on their knees, that is, and “My Name Is Earl” is still not the hit NBC would like it to be. It’s sad, because it actually is a pretty good show…and Jason Lee is a star! So I guess the question on the minds of the America people, what can you do to help the situation? Well, it’s like when John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country!” What can you do? Well, listen up! I am giving the American people a head’s up. John, come on out here! (John Kerry enters) John Kerry: Hello America! Remember me? Of course you do! Remember last fall when I was “almost” elected to be your President? Yeah, thanks Ohio! Dick Cheney: Oh John, there’s no need to be bitter. Look, here’s the plan. John Kerry and myself, and a majority of Washington personnel, will be jet setting to the very same “undisclosed location” I resided in during the terrorist debacle back in 2001. John Kerry: Oh, come on, Dick! Why don’t you just tell them where we’re going to be? Someone has to forward our mail! Dick Cheney: That’s a good point! We’ll be in St. Bart’s! (Laughs) John Kerry: Thanks for the accommodations, taxpayers! (As Cheney & Kerry are laughing, George W. Bush walks thru the Oval Office with Jason Lee) George W. Bush: I just love you show, Earl! Jason Lee: You know it’s just a show?! My name is Jason Lee. George W. Bush: Whatever, Earl! Hey Dick! Look who I got! Earl, from that show on NBC! Dick Cheney: That’s Jason Lee from “My Name Is Earl”, Mr. President. George W. Bush: Earl, do you know John Kerry? Or as I like to call him “sore loser”! Jason Lee: Kind of, you know by my friend Ben Affleck. John Kerry: Ah yes. Ben, he’s a good friend! Dick Cheney: Jason, remember (starts talking pig-Latin) x-na on the living a-broad-a! Jason Lee: I understand, Mr. Cheney. George W. Bush: (To Jason) So Earl, tell me all about this “karma” thing… (Jason Lee & George W. Bush exit) Dick Cheney: Getting back to what we were saying – on Wednesday, at 700 hours, the capital will be as empty as a Late Show with Craig Ferguson audience! (Devilish laugh) Rush the White House as quick as you feel necessary. No one will be in the White House except for “Baby Huey”. America, this is your chance! John Kerry: Pull the President out of his bed…tire-n-feather him… Dick Cheney: And hang him up on the stakes to burn… Cheney & Kerry: LIKE MUSSOLINI! (Cheney & Kerry laugh) Dick Cheney: Are you thinking what I’m thinking? John Kerry: You bet! Cheney & Kerry: "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
