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Dr. Reynolds...Jason Lee Big Bird...Horatio Sanz (BIG BIRD from Sesame Street is waiting inside a doctor's office. He's sitting on the examination table, coughing periodically and rubbing his runny beak with a tissue.) (Just then, a doctor enters the office.) DOCTOR: Sorry to keep you waiting. It's been a madhouse today. Hi, I'm Dr. Reynolds. BIG BIRD: Hi, I'm Big Bird. Nice to meet you. (The two shake hands. Big Bird suddenly erupts into a loud rasping cough.) DOCTOR: Now, that is one FOWL cough ya got there... (a pause, then Dr. Reynolds begins to chuckle) Get it -- "one fowl cough." (laughing harder) You're a fowl!... Pretty funny, right? BIG BIRD: (unamused) That's hilarious. Are you going to examine me or what? (Dr. Reynolds pulls up his swivel chair.) DOCTOR: Certainly. What's the problem? BIG BIRD: Well, for about a month, I've been nursing this really bad cold. I've got this sore throat, my beak is running like crazy and I've got a fever. I'm aching all over. (Dr. Reynolds pulls out an over-sized tongue depressor and a pen light.) DOCTOR: Lemme hear a good sqwaawk. Open wide. BIG BIRD: Squaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak! (As Big Bird squawks, Dr. Reynolds peers into his mouth with the pen light.) DOCTOR: One more time. BIG BIRD: Squaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak! DOCTOR: I see some glandular swelling back there but nothing too severe. Tell me, how is your poop? BIG BIRD: My poop? DOCTOR: Your bird poop. Is it still white? BIG BIRD: Well, it's a little yellow... maybe yellowish-green. DOCTOR: Yellowish-green? BIG BIRD: Maybe avocado. DOCTOR: Avocado. I see. Very interesting. BIG BIRD: (nervously) Look -- level with me doctor. This isn't that mysterious bird flu, is it? I mean, all my friends have been coming down with this bird flu thing and no one knows what it is? It's everywhere. Roadrunner, Heckle and Jeckle, Woodstock! This is a plague! DOCTOR: Calm down, Mr. Bird. BIG BIRD: (loudly) Have you seen Baby Huey -- the poor bastard's dropped 100 pounds. I'm not goin' out like that! I'm BIG BIRD for christ's sake! I've got a reputation to maintain! DOCTOR: Look, you need to relax. You're jumping to conclusions. There have been no documented cases of bird flu in the United States and unless you've been out of the country lately, you're clean as a whistle. BIG BIRD: I just flew back from Cambodia. DOCTOR: Oh snap. BIG BIRD: I was at a very important bird convention. DOCTOR: A bird convention? BIG BIRD: It was FEATHERFEST! It's a four day international celebration of peace and love for birds of all varieties. DOCTOR: Featherfest? BIG BIRD: IT'S A FREAKIN' ORGY, OKAY! I did five hits of acid and I woke up in bed with three humming birds, a blue jay and Woody Woodpecker. GOD HELP ME! DOCTOR: Did you use protection? BIG BIRD: I can't remember! I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING! (Big Bird collapses into tears.) DOCTOR: Now listen, I don't want to alarm you but the number one factor contributing to the spread of avian flu is unprotected bird sex. BIG BIRD: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT -- WE'RE BIRDS! DOCTOR: Look, there are new treatments, experimental drugs. BIG BIRD: No! It's too late for me! My life is over! I refuse to manhandled by the claws of disease. (Big Bird hops up from the examination table and frantically races to a nearby window. He lifts open the window and climbs on the ledge.) DOCTOR: Now wait a minute, Big Bird. BIG BIRD: (singing awkwardly) Sunny Day... chasing the clouds away... flap my wings to where the air is clean... Can you tell me how to get to -- DOCTOR: Don't do this, Big Bird. BIG BIRD: How to get to -- (Big Bird leaps out the window and plummets to his death.) BIG BIRD: Seeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmme streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet... (Thud.) (Dr. Reynolds walks up to the window and looks down over the ledge.) DR. REYNOLDS: I knew that son of a bitch couldn't fly. END SCENE. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
