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John Q. Public...Jason Lee Bob Smith...Dave Grohl Announcer...Don Pardo [SCENE: A local community park featuring a bench and drinking fountain.] [John Q. Public, who is carrying a newspaper, is walking by the bench. He notices it and decides to sit down. He opens up his newspaper and begins to read it.] John Q. Public: [muttering to himself] Will that Scooter Libby ever learn? You don't leak a CIA agent's identity unless you can pin the crime on a lowly intern. Stupid jackass! [Suddenly, Bob Smith jogs pass the bench. Tired from his workout, he decides to stop and get a drink of water from the water fountain.] [Bob Smith notices John Q. Public after he is done getting his drink of water.] Bob Smith: [tired] Whew! [To John Q. Public] Hot enough for you? [John Q. Public looks up from his newspaper] John Q. Public: Yeah, tell me about it. Can you believe that it's the middle of November and it’s still warm out? I think Mother Nature is on vacation and forgot to change the season. Bob Smith: [laughing] Yeah, that's one theory, but I blame that damn global warming! Stupid EPA bastards... John Q. Public: Well, it’s pretty nice, even for our little Smalltown, USA. Bob Smith: You make a good point, fella. What's your name? John Q. Public: I'm John Q. Public and welcome to my park! [Pause] Well, it's not actually MY park…but I do come here a lot. Bob Smith: That's cool. I'm Bob Smith. Good to meet you! [Bob Smith & John Q. Public shakes hands] John Q. Public: [impressed] Wow, that's a great name. It’s so generic! I wish they had given me a name like that. Bob Smith: [confused] "They"? Who's "they"? John Q. Public: [quickly/nervously] Oh, I didn't mean to say that. By "they," I meant my...”parents”. [Pause] Yeah, I was talking about my parents. Who else would I be talking about? Definitely not the Witness Protection Program. [Laughs awkwardly / nervously] But yeah, "Bob Smith" is a great name. It’s like the kind of name that they SHOULD give people who are in the Witness Protection Program. [Bob Smith & John Q. Public laugh together] Bob Smith: [continuing to laugh] How do you know I’m not?! John Q. Public: [nervously] I’m not implying anything. But hey, who's to say if you are or aren't protected by the government. That’s none of my business. I mean I could very well be in the Witness Protection Program. Bob Smith: You? John Q. Public: Yeah. How do you know I'm not? I could have been the witness to a murder conducted by the “Gambini Crime Family”. And I could have easily been hiding under the table in the Italian restaurant as they hacked the district attorney to pieces and then later incorporated those pieces into the night's serving of meatballs. Bob Smith: Oh yeah? Were you involved? John Q. Public: How do you know I’m not? Bob Smith: Well, I could have very well been an accessory in the theft of $7 million from the U.S. banking system, and the only reason I was entered into the program was I cut a deal with the prosecutor, a “Mr. Corney”. [Bob Smith and John Q. Public give each other looks] John Q. Public: [slapping his forehead] I said too much, didn't I? Bob Smith: Yeah, you did, and I did too, right? John Q. Public: Yeah. Bob Smith: [angered] Damn it! Please don't tell them I told you. I already slipped once before and they moved me from Hawaii to this crappy place. John Q. Public: Yeah, don't worry. I did the same thing and got shipped off here. They set me up in the Bahamas, but I lost it all when I accidentally told a stripper. How was I to know that she was a federal marshall by day and a stripper by night? [Awkward pause] Bob Smith: [changing the subject] Hey, that’s something about that team we root for here in "Smalltown, USA"! They are on a real big losing streak or winning streak! John Q. Public: Yeah. That is something... [Cut to an IMAGE of the logo for the Federal Witness Protection Program] Announcer (VO): This sketch was brought to you by the Federal Witness Protection Program. Remember, you have never heard of us! And if you have, don't tell anybody or else you'll be relocated to "Smalltown, USA", the worst-est little city in the world! [Cut back to the park bench where Bob Smith & John Q. Public are still there] Bob Smith: Hey Don Pardo! John Q. Public: Are you in the Federal Witness Protection Program? Announcer (VO): How do you know I’m not? [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
