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Michael Moore...Darrel Hammond Phil...Jason Lee Michelle...Maya Rudolph FADE IN INT. SECURITY HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM MICHAEL MOORE ENTERS THE ROOM WITH TWO DETECTIVES, PHIL AND MICHELLE PHIL: Alright sit down. You wanna go first or should I, Michelle? MICHELLE: Go 'head, partner. PHIL: Mr. Moore, you mind telling us what it is you were doing? MICHAEL: You know what I do. MICHELLE: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, that's right how could we forget…you sell movie tickets by exploiting our President's mild mental retardation. MICHAEL: I'm just a documentary movie director and that's all. PHIL: Okay you're a movie director. But do you mind telling us what you were doing on the floor of a ladies shoe store for 2 hours? MICHAEL: Well, if you must know, ever since the death of Rosa Parks, I've been sitting down a lot more. MICHELLE: Oh, like on buses? MICHAEL: No…just any place where my feet hurt really. PHIL: Uh huh well, Mr. Moore, I want you to read an interoffice memo out loud for us. PHIL PLACES A MANILLA FOLDER IN MICHAEL'S HAND AND OPENS IT PHIL: (Cont'd) Go 'head, Moore, read it! MICHAEL: "Dear Penthouse Forum, you'll never believe what happened.." MICHELLE DIVES FOR THE PAPER AND TAKES IT FROM MICHAEL MICHELLE: (pointing to another paper) Not that one. Read this. MICHAEL: (starts to read in disbelief) "Note : To all Employees. If Michael Moore is spotted on the campus, shoot to kill and make it look like an accident." MICHELLE: You better thank God they called us first, Moore. You want to help yourself here and cooperate with us. MICHAEL: Guys, I'm sure we can work this out somehow. It all seems like a big misunderstanding. MICHELLE HANDS A BAG TO PHIL. PHIL GOES IN THE BAG AND PULLS OUT A PLASTIC BAG WITH COCAINE. PHIL: You want to tell us with this is? Is this a misunderstanding too? Little nose candy, eh Michael. MICHELLE LEANS INTO MICHAEL AND TAPS HIM ON THE TUMMY. MICHELLE: (as she's tapping) Looks like Kate Moss really let herself go. MICHAEL: (finally breaking down) Alright, look..it's not what you think. Its not for me. I got it for Karl Rove. Well, he doesn't know. It's sort of a surprise. PHIL: I'm lost. Is it his or not? MICHAEL: Ok, I was going to plant it on him. MICHELLE: Why? What'd he do to you? MICHAEL: (whining) I was just pissed that Fitzgerald didn't charge him. PHIL: (shaking his head) You're in it deep this time, Moore. Do you know what they do to documentary filmmakers in prison? ..Let's just say it's going to be hard to SIT where you're going. MICHAEL: (shifting in his chair) Alright, I'm not saying another word 'til I call my lawyer down here. MICHELLE: You get your lawyer and we can't help you, Michael. MICHAEL:I know my rights and I'm not saying another word without representation. PHIL: Alright, let's go, Michelle. We tried. We've got an open and shut case anyway. PHIL AND MICHELLE AND LEAVE MICHAEL TO MAKE HIS PHONE CALL. MICHAEL LOOKS TO SEE IF THEY'VE LEFT THEN GRABS HIS CELL PHONE FROM HIS POCKET. MICHAEL: Hey Tom, it's Michael. (pause) Yeah I'm okay. I got good news. Operation Rosa Parks was a success. And I even came up with a good title for the movie. (holds his hands up imagining the billboard) "Celebrity Prison Rape." Talk to you later. MICHAEL HANGS UP THE PHONE AND PUTS IT AWAY. HE STANDS UP RUBS HIS ASS AND WALKS OFFSTAGE. FADE OUT Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
