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Karen...Amy Poehler Doug...Darrel Hammond FADE IN INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY'S ASSISTANT KAREN WALKS A SCOOTER LIBBY REPLACEMENT CANDIDATE, DOUG IN KAREN: Have a seat. It's Douglas Miller right? DOUG: Call me Doug. KAREN: I'm Karen one of the Vice President's staff assistants. Let's get started. As you may know Scooter Libby was recently indicted and subsequently tendered his resignation. We've promoted a few people internally to fill that void for now. But, we really want someone from outside the republican monastery to get the position. I already know you're background. You seem qualified. So I'll just jump right into this. In addition to the Vice President you'll also be working closely with President Bush. Which brings me to my first question,(pauses) are you comfortable working with the mentally handicapped? DOUG: Yes, my daughter's a Libertarian. KAREN: Good, good. If you are going to be with the President on a regular basis, you'll need to be fluent in Pig Latin. So if I said Ondaleeza-kay Ice-ray, who would that be? DOUG: (thinking) Condoleeza Rice!? KAREN: Great Doug. You're doing good. Obviously very important to this administration is leaks. We can't have a repeat of what has happened recently. The next question is an important one Doug. (pauses) Can you keep a secret? DOUG: Yes, of course. KAREN: Okay, I'll just say it then. (struggling with the words)Weeee.. made up the bird flu. Well, we didn't really make it up. It's kind of an exaggeration. It's really more of a bird cold. You know, sore throat, runny nose. DOUG: What!!? Why!? KAREN: I'll be honest with you. Fox needed something for November sweeps. We did have another idea..this whole Al Franken, child pornography thing. It just never panned out. Anyway, we're getting off subject. Okay, we're going to do a little word association Doug. I'll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. You ready? DOUG: Yeah shoot! KAREN: Patrick Fitzgerald? DOUG: Witch hunt. KAREN: Hilary Clinton? DOUG: Witch. KAREN: Good, good!! Saddam Hussein? DOUG: 9-11. KAREN: Perfect! Okay, just a few more. President Bush? DOUG: Functionally Illiterate? (realizing he made a mistake) OOOO…I'm so sorry. I meant to say compassionate, conservative. KAREN: That's okay, you're allowed one wrong. This is the last one, Doug. (pauses) God? DOUG: Ummm, Dick Cheney? KAREN: Right! KAREN STANDS UP HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR KAREN: (cont'd) Okay Doug thank you. That went really well. Well now we're going to go on a tour of the facilities. I'll let you get a look at where you'd be working. DOUG: (pointing towards the door) You guys are still celebrating Halloween around here, huh? KAREN: What would make you say that? DOUG: Well when I was coming in this morning, everyone was wearing these demon and devil costumes. KAREN: Those uh, (pauses) weren't costumes Doug. But come on, I want you to meet Dick Cheney ! Oh, when you're around him, try not to step on his tail. He hates that. DOUG AND KAREN LEAVE THE OFFICE FADE OUT Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
