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... Jason Lee
Don Pardo (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Lee! (Jason comes onto center stage to the applause of the audience. To the surprise of everyone, he's wearing a blue dress and makeup, and he has a very discontent expression on his face. Obviously, this was not his idea. He takes his mark and begins to speak as the applause dies down.) Jason Lee: (half-hearted) Thank you very much, thank you. It's wonderful to be here in New York. (more applause from the audience) Yes, thank you, calm down. Now, you may have noticed I didn't say it was great to be hosting "Saturday Night Live." Well... (sighs) there's a reason for that. I am not going to have a good time tonight. As you can see, I am wearing women's clothing. Now this isn't a stunt to get laughs during the monologue, it's not advanced dress rehearsal for a sketch where I play a woman, and I'm not trying to promote the sequel to "The Incredibles" by dressing as Syndrome's daughter. Few of you may be aware of this, but you see, before I was tapped to host the show, the producers wanted to get Felicity Huffman. Unfortunately, she had to cancel due to health reasons... she was sick of getting only half the publicity Teri Hatcher's recieving. (a beat) Why the hell did they have me deliver that stupid line? Anyway, Felicity was out, but the writers had a bit of a problem with this change of casting. When I reported for rehearsal on Monday, they told me that they'd already written a lot of sketches tailored for Felicity that they thought were "mediocre", which is good enough for the staff, and they weren't going to waste another ten minutes writing new pieces. So, they decided to give me all of Felicity's roles. And I protested, I asked them why they couldn't give a role to one of the other women in the cast. And they told me, "What women? Maya's on hiatus with her baby, Tina got chubby, and she's only good for Weekend Update and cooter jokes, Amy's got all the pretty roles, and Rachel's only good at playing men." That, and they said I looked better in the dress than Rachel ever would. (under his breath) Like that's much of a compliment. Hell, that sea monster from "Surface" would have been hotter than Rachel. (The audience boos Lee for his comment. He is startled that they heard him, and becomes defensive) Hey, hey! I'm stuck in a dress, cut me some slack! Besides, that's what the writers said. Rachel even agreed when they brought it up. Well, I wasn't going to give up without a fight, so I put pressure on the staff into finding a male role for me. Then Tina mentioned that there were some sketches left over from Lance Armstrong's show that didn't air because of time constraints. Now this seemed better, I told them I didn't mind taking over Lance's roles. (He gets a nervous expression on his face) Then Lorne said that I'd need to fully match Lance's character to fill his parts. I didn't understand what he meant until he pulled out an X-acto knife and told me to drop my drawers, and when I saw that blade I told them, "All right, you win! I'll take on Felicity's parts! Make me pretty!" (Jason sighs in despair) So, this night is not going to be very pleasant for me. I've got seven scenes where I make out with Horatio, five with Kenan, two with Will, one with Darrell - that's gonna happen in the only sketch he appears in tonight. Then there's the skit where my character has a lesbian love affair with Debbie Downer. (he shudders in disgust) But, the staff's doing their best to make me "comfortable" despite all of this. I've got ten gallons of Listerine in my dressing room, plus four dozen bars of Irish Spring, because I am going to feel so dirty after this show is over. (a beat) I don't even know if that much soap will be able to wash away the shame. Now that I've given you a heads-up as to what's in store for you, I wish to advise that all children, elderly viewers, anyone with a heart condition, pregnant women or those with easily upset stomachs please turn off your TVs now. NBC doesn't want any legal problems, so they needed a disclaimer. Thank you all for your time, and don't forget to catch my show, "My Name is Ear..." oh, wait... be sure to catch my show (mockingly) "Desperate Housewives" on ABC. Anyway, we've got a great and disgusting show tonight. The Foo Fighters are here! (applause from the audience) So stick around, chug some Pepto Bismol, and we'll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
