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Barry Dunbar.....Chris Parnell Announcer.....Darrell Hammond Brian Williams.....Seth Meyers Drew Rosenhaus.....Jason Sudeikis Terrell Owens.....Finesse Mitchell The Devil.....Will Forte (Fade in) (Cue Music – “Hello Again” by The Cars) (Barry Dunbar sits at his bar stool giving the local drunken news report into an imaginary camera) Barry Dunbar: Welcome to The Drunken News! I’m Barry Dunbar, live at THE FOURS here in Milford, Mass. Our top story, a hooker gave my buddy Howard Quincy the clap! So please, if you see Quincy on the street, be sure to give him a round of applause! (NBC News bumper) Announcer: We interrupt this program to present a late breaking news story. Now in New York, Brian Williams. (Fade in on Brian Williams at the NBC News anchor desk) Brian Williams: Good evening. I’m Brian Williams. We here at NBC apologize for the interruption of what seemed like a promising sketch performed by fading sketch comedy star, Chris Parnell. We are interrupting Saturday Night You, so we can give you a status report on the Terrell Owens media circus. On Tuesday, he, along with his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, addressed the suspension by the Philadelphia Eagles. Owens gave what seemed to be a sincerely apology to coach Andy Reid, quarterback Donovan McNabb and the entire team. It is the opinion of this anchorman, that Owens is a flashy player who pays more attention to his “end zone” dances and less to his play. And he wonders why he and his team lost the Super Bowl, some 9 months ago. Terrell Owens and his agent Drew Rosenhaus are about to hold yet another press conference outside Owens’ home in Atlanta. We now go there, live. (Cut to the Owens press conference outside his home in Atlanta) (SUPER: Outside Terrell Owens’ home in Atlanta) (Countless cameras flash as Drew Rosenhaus steps up to the podium, getting ready to speak to the crowd; Terrell stands behind Rosenhaus, excessively talking on his cell phone) Drew Rosenhaus: Thank you for coming, this evening. I understand it’s late, but my ego felt the need to speak, as I’m sure Terrell feels the same way. I am personally angry at the personal attacks the media has put upon my client. He is maybe one of the greatest players in the history of football…and in sports! This man is a role model to millions and millions of black youths who want to aspire to wear expense gold chains and “talk trash” and bang sexy white women! He lives the dream that others can only dream of! (To Terrell) Terrell, do you have anything to say? Terrell Owens: (clueless) Uh? Oh yeah! (Into his cell phone) Hold on! (To the crowd) What he said! (Walks away from the podium) Drew Rosenhaus: Sorry. My client has a lot on his mind…a recording contract, a shoe deal and he’s in talks to be in Steven Spielberg’s next masterpiece. Terrell Owens will play this season. And, all arrows are pointing towards him not playing for The Eagles this season. But my client wants to play! Whatever my client decides to do, I will back him up 110% of the way…just as long as I get my 10%! (Laughs) I love this man! He is the greatest thing to happen to me since I got a hand job from one of the Olsen twins at SKYY BAR in 1996! Life does not get any better than this! I’m dating a chick that most men would give their right arm, right leg and right testicle to be with for one-night! I’m Donald Trump-lite! I’m Donald Trump, take away the billions of dollars and the ratty looking taupe’! (mimics Donald Trump) You’re fired! (Laughs) But seriously, I do care for my client. When I sold my soul to the devil 7 years ago, I never imagined that Terrell Owens would get my name in big bright stars! I feel grateful! (Out of nowhere, The Devil appears; gives a high-five to Terrell Owens) The Devil: Oh Drew! Drew! Drew Rosenhaus: Is it time for me to go now? The Devil: Yes it is, Drew…just as we agreed. Once your celebrity got to big for the public to handle…its time to go. Drew Rosenhaus: But wait, Devil! I haven’t had sex with Paris Hilton yet! The Devil: Don’t worry, you’re not missing much! Terrell Owens: Drew, he’s right! She gives lousy “nob job”. (To The Devil) Hey Devil, can I come to? The Devil: Sure. I was planning on coming to get you next month after you host Saturday Night Live, but you know what, the sooner the better! (Drew Rosenhaus, Terrell Owens and The Devil magically disappear from the area) (Cut back to Brian Williams at NBC News in New York) Brian Williams: So there you have it. The world will be without Terrell Owens and his scum-sucking agent Drew Rosenhaus for the rest of eternity. This is a wonderful day for the world! For all of us at NBC News, I’m Brian Williams saying good night. (NBC News bumper) Announcer: We now return to “The Drunken News with Barry Dunbar” on Saturday Night You. (Cut back to Barry Dunbar giving the drunken look at the news) Barry Dunbar: …and then I said, no copper! The bottle is empty, so technically it’s not an open container if there’s nothing in there! (Looks off camera) What? Oh, it’s time to go. For Howard Quincy, who’s in the crapper and “The Moon Man”, I’m Barry Dunbar saying…HAVE YOU SEEN MY CAR KEYS ANYWHERE? (passes out on the bar counter) (Cue Music – “Drive” by The Cars) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
