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Reporter.....Jason Sudeikis Prince Charles.....Seth Meyers Camilla.....Fred Armisen Homeowner.....Jason Lee [ open on Reporter standing atop the levee system in New Orleans ] Reporter: Good afternoon! I'm Harvey London, Fox-8 New Orleans, coming to you live from high above the Ninth Ward. A momentuous occasion today, as we follow Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla, on their visit through the Crescent City. Why are they here? Gotta be honest - I have no idea. Charles, Camilla - what brings you two kids by? [ Prince Charles and Camilla meekly step forward ] Prince Charles: New Orleans is but one of many stops on our Goodwill Tour, Harvey. We'll also be visiting San Francisco to ride the cable cars and make kissy-face with the gay community. I only wanted to fly over New Orleans and give a polite wave, but Camilla insisted we stop down so she could stuff her face with a beignet and get a fleur-de-lis tattoo on her left breast. Camilla: Do you want to see it, Harvey? I bet you've never seen anything like it before! Reporter: No, I've seen plenty of fleur-de-lis. Camilla: No, I meant my left breast. Reporter: [ not changing his story ] I've seen plenty of fleur-de-lis. Prince Charles: [ looking around ] Hmm.. how interesting. There are more holes in that levee than there are scandals in the Royal Family. Reporter: Yeah, sure. Check your math. Prince Charles: No need. My point is that there's a lot of holes in that levee. Reporter: Hey, save that Moment of Zen for tomorrow's "Daily Show." Camilla: [ tugging at her legs ] How ironic - there's just as many holes in that levee as there are holes in my stockings from climbing that levee. And we know you like the punk look, Charles. Prince Charles: Not here, Camilla. Let's wait until we find higher and drier ground before we do our own pile-driving. Reporter: God, and I thought the most disgusting thing your country had to offer was steak and kidney pie. Anyway, we're out here today to meet with the lucky homeowner who has won the honor of having Charles and Camilla visit what's left of his home personally. Who know, maybe "lucky" is too strong a word. Let's see if he's home. [ Reporter knocks on the door of a house that's half torn apart with a mountain of mud visible beyond the windows ] Homeowner's Voice: Yeah, who is it? Reporter: Harvey London, Fox-8 New Orleans. [ scraggly Homeowner exits his home through where part of the outer wall is missing ] Homeowner: Listen, I already told you guys I never saw those kids before! Reporter: That wasn't me who interviewed you. I'm just a scab who's willing to work for low pay in a low market. Homeowner: Uh-huh. [ chugs from a bottle of beer ] Who are these douchebags supposed to be? Reporter: You freakin' kidding? It's Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla. Homeowner: Oh, crap. What, am I supposed to bow before them, or something? If I'd known, I wouldn't have put on my best pair of bermuda shorts. Prince Charles: That's quite alright. Homeowner: Look, I don't know if I'm being ignorant or stupid - probably stupid, since I don't know the difference - but where are you guys from? Reporter: He's the Prince of England. Homeowner: I didn't ask you. But, while we're on the subject, what is England? Where's that? Reporter: How do you not know where England is? Homeowner: I've got four feet of mud in my house! I don't even know where my keys are! Prince Charles: Alright, alright. Is there a map around here so I could show him where England is? Homeowner: Are you kidding me? I just lost the entire contents of my home to wind, rain, and a mudslide crashing through my side wall - and you're asking me if I salvaged a map?! Prince Charles: Eh, it's a bit of a long shot, yes. Homeowner: [ sighs ] Yeah, I got a map. [ reaches behind the door and pulls out a map, which he proceeds to unfold ] Prince Charles: Excuse me, but this is a city map. Homeowner: Oh, there's just no pleasing your royal pain in the ass, is there? Why are you even here, anyway? Prince Charles: Camilla and I are on a Goodwill Tour, to show that our hearts and minds are with the City of New Orleans in these tough times. Homeowner: Are you kidding me? Is that supposed to make me feel better about this four feet of mud in my living room? Unless you brought the Royal Bulldozer with you, your hearts and minds aren't doing me a lick of good! Prince Charles: Okay, you caught us. We're only here for selfish reasons. Photo ops! [ smiles for the camera ] Camilla: Plus, with all this leftover mud from the levee breaches lying around, we thought it would be a nice opportunity to engage in a little one-on-one mud wrestling. Prince Charles: Uh, inner voice, Camilla, inner voice. My reputation is tarnished enough without your mutterings taking center stage. Now, do you think we could take home a souvenier, or would they have us drawn and quartered for looting? Homeowner: Hey, nobody draws and quarters anybody around here, alright? You do something to piss any of us off, we'll just flat-out shoot you in the belly. Prince Charles: Ah, yes! This certainly takes me back to the Britain Riots of '81. You remember, don't you, Camilla? Oh, sorry - wrong wife. [ looks up at the roof ] Now, I see you have all this blue tarp on your roof. Homeowner: Yeah, what of it? Prince Charles: Well, I've heard that New Orleans has always been a bit of a primitive culture, but I thought surely, in this day and age, even a city left behind such as this would have been informed of roofing shingles. Homeowner: The winds blew 'em off, you jackass. This is FEMA's interpretation of a short-term solution. Camilla: It makes your entire roof look like a giant slip-and-slide! Reporter: [ wraps his arm around Prince Charles ] Aren't you glad you saw this in person? Could you imagine anything more awesome? Prince Charles: Are you kidding me? Have you seen my place? Good God, man, I live in a huge palace. Homeowner: You also live with your mother. Prince Charles: Sir, this woman is my wife! [ pulls Camilla over and hugs her grotesquely ] Homeowner: No, I mean the other old broad. Prince Charles: Oh, yes, Mother. A boy's best friend is his mother, you know. Tell me, what is the nature of your relationship with your mother? Homeowner: My mother died in the hurricane when her bed floated toward the river. Prince Charles: Did she drown? Homeowner: No, she ran into a Mack Truck floating from the other direction. Prince Charles: Hmm.. such unusual physical properties, this hydrogen-oxygen combination molecule. Homeowner: Could you repeat that in English? Prince Charles: Oh, dear. Was I speaking French? That's quite a faux pas! [ laughs condescendingly ] Camilla: [ panicking as she rubs her chest ] Charles! My tattoo is bleeding! Prince Charles: Now, Camilla, I warned you that the needles around here might be more infected than usual. Homeowner: Alright, that's it! Everybody off what's left of my property, or you'll be eating homemade mud pies! Reporter: Alright, alright. [ to camera ] Harvey London, Fox-8 News. [ rushes off-screen ] Prince Charles: San Francisco, here we come. [ rushes off-screen ] Camilla: [ before rushing off ] Can I get my mud pie to go? [ Homeowner lets out a primal scream and throws a ball of mud at Camilla ] Camilla: Thank you ever so sweetly! [ rushes off-screen ] [ Homeowner bangs his head on his front door ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
