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Tony Corleone... Fred Armisen Ralph Larson... Jason Lee Mr. Tanucci... Darrell Hammond Joey... Andy Samberg Kelly Larson... Tina Fey MC Bitchcakes... Kenan Thompson E! Channel Anchor... Jason Sudeikis Voice of Andrew Dice Clay... Bill Hader Paulie... Horatio Sanz (Open to a small amphitheater exterior. SUPER: VITO’S THEATER, NEWARK NEW JERSEY. Fade to an awards stage. Lights start to flash and trendy award music pots up) Tony V/O: Welcome one and all to Tony Corleone’s Big Friggin Movie Awards... we ain’t gonna bore yous with the details. And now your host... Tony Corleone! (Cut to recycled footage of audiences clapping. Cut to the head table, it’s a small 4 person table with Mr. Tanucci, his nephew Joey and MC Bitchcakes. Both Tanucci and Joey are in suits, but MC Bitchcakes is dressed in a FUBU shirt with gold chains) MC Bitchcakes: I love Scarface but not like this. I needed one award show stabbing to boost my rep and I had to choose this one! Doesn’t the name MC Bitchcakes sound tough enough! (Looks at Joey) What’s up man! Joey: Uncle! That chocolate man talked to me! I thought he was the table decoration! MC Bitchcakes: What the f-! Mr. Tanucci: Excuse my nephew! He doesn’t know any better. (mutters) Gold chain wearing Bojangles! MC Bitchcakes: What was that? (Cut to the other table. Ralph Larson sits with his wife Kelly. They are dressed nice. Camera goes close to them so as to not reveal the other 2 seated people) Kelly Larson: Remind me why this award show was so important? Ralph Larson: You don’t understand Kelly, I had problems with my video acceptance speech! I have to personally accept the award so they don’t play it. That speech is not pleasant to see! And we’ll have a great time. (Looks into the camera as to face the people across from him) Ralph: So what’s your name? Oh, nice to me you, Jimmy Sinatra! Ahaha, I bet you’re related to Frank Sinatra(sarcastically) Oh what! You really are? Uh... sorry about that! (Looks at the other person) So who are you? Voice of Andrew Dice Clay: I’m the Diceman, ya retarded Yankee! What’s with you asking all these freaking questions! Ralph Larson: Yeah... this will be fun (sarcastic) (Cut to Tony as walks up to the podium. The awards music stops) Tony Corleone: How’s you all doin’ tonight. We got one movie award, and a nice meal. Let’s just get to the big award. So sit back cause I know we all got work tomorrow, the consolidation business is very busy on Mondays. We gotta pick up the slack from last week. Uh I’d just like to say very honorable thanks to the award founder, Mr. Tanucci. Mr. Tanucci: Hey, it’s my MONEY! My uh... funding and resources helped jump-start this show, and I get a good seat for Joey! Here’s my sister’s son Joey! He ain’t the brightest but lord have mercy I love him. Joey: (giddily) Hee hee yes I love my pants. These are some great pants! Tony Corleone: Let’s get this one award show on the road! And now the nominees for BIG FRIGGIN MOVIE OF THE YEAR! (Camera cuts to a silver screen as Tony reads the nominees) Tony V/O: Wedding Crashers... ya gotta love movies about Weddings! Nothing brings the whole Italian family To-get-da like a wedding. Tony V/O: The Godfather... that’s an all around favorite, and we gotta include dat classic! Ain’t that right, Mr. Tanucci. (Camera cuts back to Mr. Tanucci with Joey) Mr. Tanucci: Hey... I liked that movie about the Penguins! Tony Corleone V/O: All right, next up is Charlie and Chocolate Factory! That must be a mistake. Ah yes, I misread the damn thing! I whack a Paulie, he’s in charge of the script. The next movie is da 40 Year Old Virgin. Now that’s a comedy you can be proud of! No booties or gross jokes. Just classy humor, makes me proud of mister Carell! So did anyone see the movie? AUDIENCE: NOO! Tony Corleone V/O: Finally, we have our pity nominee, the indie hit. Jeez, this movie does not deserve the honor of being called a hit! I mean even young Paulie’s first mob hit was a real HIT! But this was no hit! The final nominee is "Poll Vaulting and Lobsters" a comedy all about the tortures of college and drugs. Tony Corleone: Hey before we’s announce the winner, we gonna take a quick commercial break! So don’t go anywhere... and don’t support Ragu and Bertolli spaghetti sauce! They make my mother cry in deep spells of anguish. It’s a shame isn’t it Joey? Joey: I cry in deep spells of angle-dangle-dish! Why won’t my father eat me? (Camera fades to the E! Channel desk as an anchor sits there with a moronic grin) E! Channel Anchor: Hey don’t forget to tune into the E! Channel after the Tony Awards. (Gets an offstage notice) E! Channel Anchor: Oh... it ain’t the Tony Awards. Okay, but make sure to check out E! anyways, COME ON... YOU KNOW YOU WANT THAT CELEBRITY GOSSIP! But listen, E! has even more quality programming for the winter! For all you sketch comedy fans out there, we have something for ya. From the topsy turvy minds of SNL fans, we present Saturday Night You on E! Get ready to have stoner fan sketches read by some of your favorite celebrities. How about having pedophile JAY-C sketches read by Dakota Fanning? And how about our Best of the 2003 season as read by Tony Danza and Bronson Pinchot! All your favorite sketches will be read, find out about the most surreal "Thanksgiving Memory" ever. And find out what happens when "Schick Happens" and there’ll be a bunch of Bush bashing sketches as usual. It’s Saturday Night You re-runs only on E! and sponsored by new ZIT-BLAST-MOFO! It’s ZIT-BLAST-MOFO, the only acne fighting creme that literally busts a cap into a zit’s ass! (Camera cuts to Ralph Larson falling asleep on his table) Ralph Larson: Aw god! Ahhh! Kelly Larson: Oh honey, did you have that E! Channel nightmare again. Ralph: Yeah and this time he was talking about shortened comedy reruns (shudders) (Camera cuts back to Tony Corleone at the podium) Tony: All right people! It’s time for the winner of tonight’s award. The winner was chosen by my pops! He was a good man, and he wanted that as his final wish!(gets the card out) And the winner for BEST FRIGGIN MOVIE OF THE YEAR is "Poll Vaulting and Lobsters". Yeesh what’s with all these Indies winning this year! They just want to ruin everything. Can’t they be happy for their reservations and casinos why do they need to take the movies away! Ralph Larson, star of the film sent us a video acceptance speech that- (Ralph runs onto the stage) Ralph: Wait wait! Don’t show the video speech! I’m here okay! I uh... I just want to say it’s an honor to win this award! I want to thank my parents for not kicking me out of the house when I was 18. This is a great strike for Indie films! Which by the way have nothing to do with Native Americans- (Suddenly the video screen from behind them starts up. Camera cuts to a clip of Ralph Larson and Paulie dancing half naked!) Paulie: I’m Paulie and I love the award show! Ralph Larson: Vincenti rocks my face off! Aw man, I love this guy! He rocks my testicles off! Who says you Italian guys can’t be cuddly? (Cut back to the award show. The audience is in shock. Tony shoots a dirty look at Ralph) Tony Corleone: GET OUT! You are no longer my show. You can take that hip hopper dark guy with you) MC Bitchcakes: (shocked) What the hell have I done? GOD! (Pounds the table flinging his fork in the air and flies toward the other table. (SFX: stabbing sound) Voice of Andrew Dice Clay: (becomes high pitched and out of character for Clay) Ahh! Why is this happening to the Diceman! Waaah! Joey: (points out) That hippity hopper stabbed Andrew Dice Clay. What a wimpy guy! (Cheers and applause go up all around) Tony: Andrew... you never were a real Italian! I give it up to MC... Hammer! You come to my house on Friday my wife... makes the best mostaccioli! MC Bitchcakes: Well alright, my rep is back for stabbing someone and I get a meal! Diceman: (still high pitched) OH MY GOD!!! There’s blood all over the freakin’ place! Mr. Tanucci: Hey, Dice Clay got blood on Sinatra’s second cousin! (Mr.Tanucci grabs his gun. Joey stands up and searches for his gun which falls out the leg of his pants.) Tony: I should wack a Paulie, he brought on this great dishonor. Who seats a blood relative of Sinatra next to Andrew Dice Clay? Ralph Larson: Paulie, that’s the douche that got me drunk on Vincenti! He made look like an ass for my video acceptance speech! Kelly Larson: Paulie... uh he’s not that greasy guy from the kitchen! Ralph Larson: You slept with him, didn’t you? Kelly Larson: And what about when you told "Starr" that you like to sneak out of Hillary Duff’s window early in the morning! Ralph: I love jumping out of windows, is the star of "Poll Vaulting and Lobsters" not allowed to jump out of windows? (As they argue. Paulie walks onto the stage) Paulie: Hey guys what’s the commotion about? Hey Tony, sorry I was late, but I had to use your bowling trophy to unclog my toilet! (Mr. Tanucci eyes Tony) Mr. Tanucci: Ya like bowling? YOU LIKE BOWLING! Only ricotta bitches like Bowling, Tony you were a son to me, and now I can’t even look at you! Tony: PAULIE!!!! Paulie: Hey guys sorry but I also screwed up the canolli order.. Sorry ‘bout dat! But I got Dunkin Donuts instead! Everyone together: PAULIE!!!! Tony Corleone: (grabs his gun and looks at the camera) That’s it for this year’s Big Friggin Movie Awards and now it’s time to go! Hey Paulie say hello to my little friend... THE CREDITS! (Camera cuts to Tony’s gun which is titled... THE CREDITS) MC Bitchcakes: This is the first gun fight I will not be apart of. I must to be going. (Fake wires start to hoist him into the air. He points his fist like Buzz Lightyear) MC Bitchcakes: To B.E.T and beyond! (MC Bitchcakes is raised high up, and the scene fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
