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Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey Tommy Peters.....Will Forte .....Andy Samberg .....Horatio Sanz .....Will Arnett Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. For more than two weeks Muslim youths have carried on a string of violent riots throughout France, destroying cars and buildings and harming innocents caught up in the demonstration. The French government has announced that it will respond to the riots in the same manner it has treated all violent outbreaks throughout the nation's history - by deporting the Jews. In a most recent poll, 57% of pollsters said that they think President Bush has been “dishonest” with the American people. While, the other 49% think the President is a genius. I personally agree with the 66% in the poll. Amy Poehler: President Bush on Thursday condemned the hotel bombings in Jordan, saying the attackers defiled Islam and the United States would help bring those responsible to justice. Bush went on to say, “I just wish that him and Pippen and Rodman could get along together! The Bulls were so great together!” It was reported this week that Judith Miller has retired from the New York Times. Or so the New York Daily Post would have us believe! Tina Fey: On Thursday at the White House, a ceremonial dinner honoring the National Endowment for The Arts and the National Endowment for the Humanities was held. On hand for the ceremony was actor Robert Duvall. President Bush refused to give Duvall his “award” until he said his famous line from “Apocalypse Now” - “I love the smell of napalm in the morning!” To which, Duvall then punched Bush in the face. Take a stand, Robert! Amy Poehler: A former Elvis impersonator helped catch a thief who stole more than $200,000 worth of memorabilia in a Las Vegas Elvis Presley museum. Nevada police said if it weren’t for him, they would’ve had to find out what was missing with nothing but a hound dog. As most people are aware, a tornado hit the southern part of Indiana and northern parts of Kentucky, this past week. One of the most tragic things about this tornado was that it wiped out a complete 6-mile long trailer park in southern Indiana. And now here with “a slacker’s perspective” on natural disasters is high school senior, Tommy Peters! Tommy Peters: Thank you, Amy. I just had sex with you…with my eyes! Why do you always have to fake your orgasms? Amy Poehler: Tommy, come on! Do your report, please! Tommy Peters: Fine! Hey Tina! You look hot now that you’re a mom! MILF alert! MILF! Tina Fey: Geez, Tommy! Amy Poehler: (To Tina) What does MILF stand for again? Tina Fey: It stands for… Tommy Peters: It means Mom I’d like to f…can I say FUCK on here? Tina Fey: Actually, you just did! Tommy Peters: Badass! Amy Poehler: Come on, Tommy! Tommy Peters: Tina, you are a hot mom! (Starts singing different lyrics to “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains Of Wayne) "Tina Fey has got it going on! She had small breasts, but now she’s got big ones! Tina Fey has got it going on!" Amy Poehler: Tommy! Stop singing! Tina Fey: That’s songs like 3 years old! Amy Poehler: Give us your “slacker’s perspective” of natural disasters! Tommy Peters: Fine! Why do tornados always hit trailer parks? Because! Trailer parks attract tornados! It’s like UFOs abducting white trash “yokels” in cornfields! They are the weakest link, good-bye! Why did the Hurricanes hit in Gulf Coast and not somewhere else? Because! Black people in New Orleans are worthless! And Mardi Gras party boys are like one more Zima away from liver disease! Natural disasters cut the playing field down! Why does Florida get hit every year! Because! (Pulls up a map of the Gulf coast) You’ve got all these old people wasting away in Miami and the Florida keys! They’re already one foot in the bucket! And, also, because Florida looks like a penis! (Laughs) Badass! Amy Poehler: Are you done now? Tommy Peters: Yeah! Do you want to make out? Amy Poehler: I’m married! Get the hell out of here! Tina Fey: Tommy Peters…a slacker’s perspective on natural disasters! Team executives for the New York Yankees are cautioning star third baseman Alex Rodriguez to stop playing poker at “questionable clubs” in New York City, citing that it’s bad for his image. And in other news, Boston Red Sox fans are encouraging Alex Rodriguez to look into playing “Russian Roulette”. Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested in Tampa, Florida this past weekend for allegedly having sex in a bathroom stall at a local Tampa sports bar. Police officials were left confused because they don’t quite understand how two girls can have sex with each other. I’m confused, as well. Where do you put the penis…if there is no penis? Amy Poehler: Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant and his wife, are reportedly expecting their second child. Leaving many women to wonder, “Wow! Even after that whole rape-hotel thing, she actually let him put it back in. That’s unheard of!” Pete Rose, Jr. was arrested this week for reportedly selling “GBL” which is a steroid substitute. Reportedly, Pete Rose, Sr. was extremely happy to hear the news, because he had $50,000 on his son getting arrested again before the end of the calendar year. Tina Fey: A study this week shows that the reported number of cases of gonorrhea has dropped in the last 18 months, whereas the number of other sexually transmitted diseases has risen considerably over the same time period. As of show time, there was still no apology from any of the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders. In South Korea, Thursday, a subway train started away with a baby in a stroller stuck in its doors as the baby's mother attempted to wheel the stroller on from the platform. The baby was safely removed from the stroller, though the mother, whose jacket was still stuck between the doors, was dragged along with a bystander for 30 yards until the train finally came to stop at the end of the platform. Hey, dem's the breaks! And now here with Weekend Update’s annual contest, “Where In The Studio Is Seth Meyers?” Seth, where are you in the studio? Seth? (Camera pans to Andy Samberg who somewhere in the studio) Andy Samberg: Hi Tina, Amy! I’m Andy Samberg and I’m somewhere in the studio! Tina Fey: Andy, the new guy! Andy, where’s Seth? Andy Samberg: Well, Seth is apparently in his dressing room making out with Fred Armisen. It seems the last sketch before Update really got them sexually “going”. Every time Seth sees Fred in the “Camilla” makeup and wig, he gets a hard on. Tina Fey: Really? Andy Samberg: I’m just going by what Sudeikis told me! Amy Poehler: Okay, Andy, where are you in the studio? Andy Samberg: Well, I can’t tell you! All I can do is tell you what I’m doing and give you some hints. Amy Poehler: Fine, new guy! What are you doing now? Andy Samberg: Right now, I’m smelling a woman’s panties! Hmm! These smell nice! Tina Fey: Andy, are you in my dressing room? Andy Samberg: No. I’m looking around the room here. And I just found a big tub of “cheese balls”. (Munching) These are pretty good! Amy Poehler: Are you in Rachel’s dressing room? Andy Samberg: No. There’s a love letter here. (Reading) “Dear Giggles, I miss you. I miss making you laugh. I miss you making me laugh. I just wish I didn’t have to leave the show. I miss you. I hope to see you at “coming out” party in December. Love, Senor Crazy Hair!” Tina Fey: That sounds like a love letter from Jimmy to Horatio. Are you in Horatio’s dressing room? Andy Samberg: You got it! (Horatio walks in) Horatio Sanz: What are you doing in my dressing room?! Andy Samberg: What are you doing with woman’s underwear in your room? Horatio Sanz: It’s how I get into character! Get out of here! (Cut back to the Update desk) Tina Fey: “Where In The Studio Is Seth Meyers?” with new guy Andy Samberg. Tina Fey: Michael Douglas said in a recent interview that he has “communication” problems with his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones, because she speaks with a Welch accent. Hearing this, Woody Allen commented, saying, (doing her best Woody Allen impression) “I had the same problem with Soon-Yi. But, I soon learned, if you want to have sex, all you have to do is pull down your pants and stick your penis in her face. It works for me, it will work for you!” Amy Poehler: Ortho Evra birth control patches pose risks such as increased estrogen and blood clots. The drug may also cause the death of unborn fetuses. In family news, former SNL writer, current host of “Late Night”, Conan O’Brien and his wife welcomed their second child, a baby boy, on Wednesday, Beckett O’Brien. Beckett weighed in at 8 pounds, 4 ounces. Commenting the birth, Conan said, “It’s definitely mine…this time! He came out of the womb doing my monologue dance. And weird thing was, Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7 were in the delivery room playing him into the world!” Tina Fey: Rapper The Game was arrested this week for what officials are saying, “caused a commotion” at a North Carolina area mall. Commenting on the charges, the rapper said, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game! No…wait!” A Pittsburgh movie theatre has pulled 50 Cent’s new film “Get Rich Or Die Tryin’” after a man was shot on the opening night of the film. Well, one down, eight more to go! Amy Poehler: Actress Jessica Alba said recently in an interview that she is worried about being typecast as a hooker / whore / trampy maid. Alba said she’d like to be taken seriously for major roles like Natalie Portman and Charlize Theron. Asked to comment, Paul Walker wants to know where to “air mail” your panties. Tina Fey: In London, England, a tooth believed to be pulled from the mouth of the Napoleon was purchased at $22,600. The bidder was said to have been a fanatic of the great warrior mind of Napoleon, and stated that the tooth was delicious. A wealthy presidential candidate in Sri Lanka has promised if elected, that he will give everybody a free cow. The cow can be used for milk, meat, anything. Anything! (picture of man in boxers caressing cow’s face) Amy Poehler: Here now with a special message is a guy I know pretty well, Will Arnett. [Will Arnett wheels onto the Weekend Update set next to Amy] Will Arnett: Thanks, Amy. [to the audience] Hi, I'm Will Arnett. Most of you probably know me as Amy's husband, and about five of you probably know me from the show "Arrested Development." I just wanted to come out here tonight since some pretty big news broke this week about "Arrested Development." Amy doesn't know it yet since she's been busy working on this show, so I figured now would be a good time to tell her. Amy Poehler: [surprised] News? What news? Oh, did you guys manage to work things out with Robert Blake to have him guest-star as Jeffrey Tambor's fellow inmate? Will Arnett: Unfortunately, no. I think he was afraid of being typecast as a cold-blooded murderer. Anyway, I don't know how to tell you this, Amy, so I guess I'll just come out and say it. [dramatic pause] FOX canceled us yesterday. The show's over. We have two more episodes to film and then the curtain goes down forever. Amy Poehler: [shocked] W-W-what? Are you serious? Will Arnett: [shaking his head] Yeah. [The audience boos in protest] Will Arnett: [to the audience] Yeah, I know, tell me about it. The entire cast is really upset. Bateman locked himself in his trailer with a fresh supply of Dunkin Donuts and hasn't been seen since. He's going to turn into Jason Fatman by the time he calms down. It's really ugly stuff. [Amy Poehler stands up from the Weekend Update desk and starts pacing around the set] Amy Poehler: [shouting] Damn it! I can't believe it! This blows! Tina Fey: [to Will Arnett] Wow, I've never seen Amy this mad before. Will Arnett: You think this is bad? You should have seen her after I told her that "The Mike O'Malley Show" had been canceled. She set my hair on fire. That's why it looks like this. Amy Poehler: [to herself] This can't be happening! Why?! Why?! Tina Fey: [to Amy] Uh, look, Amy, it'll be okay. The show will live on in reruns and DVD. [Amy Poehler stops and looks at Tina with a confused look on her face] Amy Poehler: Huh? What? [understanding] Oh, I'm not mad about the show getting canceled. I'm just mad that this means that I'm going to have to sell my boat! Damn it! [Amy Poehler fixes her angered gaze on Will Arnett] Amy Poehler: Look, mister, you are going to go find a new job new or else! Do you hear me?! Go audition for "Freddie" or some other show that's actually successful! Now get out of here! I'll see you at home! Will Arnett: [cowering] Yes, dear. [pause] So, I guess this means we won't be...you know...tonight? Amy Poehler: [angrily] What do you think? Will Arnett: [pathetically] Yes? Amy Poehler: [sensually] Of course. [pause] But no handcuffs. Will Arnett: [angrily] Oh, come on! Tina Fey: Amy's husband, Will Arnett, everyone! [Will Arnett wheels off the Update set] In an interview with Rita Crosby this week, actor Bruce Willis said he'd offer $1 million to any civilian who would turn in Osama bin Laden. Oh really, Bruce! Well, Ashton Kutcher is offering $10 million and sex with one of your daughters! Your move, Bruno! Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
