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Jake Something.....Fred Armisen Willow.....Eva Longoria Dogwood.....Bill Hader Hippie.....Andy Samberg Birchum.....Jason Sudeikis Curator.....Rachel Dratch Other Guy.....Seth Meyers Another Guy.....Will Forte Editor.....Darrell Hammond [ fade in ] [ ext. Forest – Day ] [ Two hippies, Willow (Longoria) and Dogwood (Hader), are chained spread-eagled to a giant redwood tree ] Willow: I can't believe they want to tear down this forest for an oil field! Dogwood: They won't dare to destroy these beautiful souls while we're chained to this redwood. Willow: Still, I think we may have overdone it with the chains. A little too tight; I can barely turn my head. And what if I have to relieve myself? Dogwood: That's why I'm wearing a man-skirt! [ Hippie (Samberg) enters with juice boxes, which he holds up to the mouths of Willow and Dogwood so they can drink ] Hippie: How are you two peace lovers doing? I brought some granola for you as well. [ begins hand-feeding both Dogwood and Willow ] I can't believe you were chosen to be chained to Grandmother Redbark! I'm so jealous. Willow: My spirit is overflowing! Hippie: I want you to know you have the support of the entire C.F.C. team behind you, should you need anything. [ a rumbling sound ] Well, that's probably Haliburton's token contractor, hold a tent in nature's heaven for me! [ exits ] [ rumbling increases as the very front of a bulldozer enters scene. It moves back and forward just a smidgen a few times, before it finally switches off and Jake Something (Armisen) enters the scene wearing hard hat ] Jake: Ehh, sorry about how long that took. [ lights up a cigarette ] Parallel parking in front of an audience always makes me so self-conscious, hear? I didn't run over anything did I? Dogwood: Only the souls of a thousand grasses! Jake: I put my blinker on, they saw it coming. And that bulldozer, it goes [ annoyingly ] "Beep, beep, beep" as it backs up, hear? Never driven anything as noisy in my life, oh, except this one pair of lips from Cleveland. Ugh, and she smelled like day-old steamed lobster. You know what that's like? Willow: We don't eat lobster; we're vegans. Dogwood: This one time, my roommate put a lava lamp in Cracky's aquarium and it broke. Willow: That was sooo sad. Jake: Ehh, I've accidentally killed a pet plenty of times myself. First there was Tippy – dad ran over him. Then Rex – mom ran over him. Rover and Princess – my sister's new license. Then Goldy and Flippy – my dad again, but I had left their tank in the driveway. Those were just the ones when I was a kid. Once I started driving, I ran over Jekyll, Hyde, Mary, Shelley, Frankenstein, Abbott, Costello, Doc Gooden, Darryl Strawberry, Gary Carter, Keith Hernandez, uhhh, Mookie Wilson… hrmm, not gonna figgur the other ten but they were all from the 1986 Mets, hear? Willow: That is …loathsome? …atrocious? …execrable? I don't have a word for that! Jake: [ in complete seriousness ] Then I got my second car. Dogwood: I'm just going to choose not to believe this. Willow: What are you doing here, anyway? Dogwood: And who are you? Jake: Name's Jake Something – don't be foolin' on it. "Don't you ever blame someone for a funny name." It's true cause it rhymes, hear? Guy named Victoria told me. [ lights another cigarette, tossing old butt on ground ] Willow: You're just going to throw that on the ground? Jake: Don't be piling your cow farts on me! I'm just here as a re-per-resentation of some big powderheads with more money than you. The second you step away from that tree, I'm here to knock it down, hear? Now, let's all be calm little beasties and get some work done. [ takes a drag, then pulls out a pen and paper, flips through a few pages ] Either of you know a good word to describe a watermelon? I've tried green, but it's just… ehh not feeling it. You know how it is when you're writing a novel? [ a few beats as Dogwood and Willow remain unresponsive, mutually disgusted ] Jake: Alright, I can take a hint, no need to shout! [ int. Museum – Day ] [ Birchum (Sudeikis) stands with a gun in his hand next to Curator (Dratch). Background is green-screened, and changes to whatever crosses Jake's mind at the time ] Jake (V/O): It's about this guy, Birchum, who decides to rob a museum, or a zoo, or a morgue, or something like that. And the curator, she secretly wants to hit the sheets with him, hear? Man in power and hidden desires and all that? Wait, why's there a curator at a morgue? Forgot to change that. Yeah, so she's a mortician. [ Other Guy (Meyers) enters scene wearing an absolute mish-mash of costumes, including cowboy and 80's punk themed articles ] Jake (V/O): And then this other guy comes in and he was either her father, or brother, or maybe her [ pauses for a very vocal drag ] Nicotine gods that feels good. Yeah, the other guy went to stunt school with her. Errr, then Birchum's gonna shoot someone. You'd think he'd shoot the other guy so he could make with the dirty-damsy, but no, that'd be too obvious. And he's not shooting her, because this ain't no opera, hear? You only kill your kitty off in opera. Huh. Maybe I need another guy in there. [ Another Guy (Forte) enters wearing space suit pants, a business suit top, and giant sideburns ] Jake (V/O): Yeah, this another guy is Birchum's buddy, but Birchum shoots him… wait, something's off on that costume. What good is a scene in a pancake factory [ background changes again ] if one of the characters has GIANT SIDEBURNS? Another Guy: I like these sideburns. I'm very proud of them. Jake (V/O): There are no giant sideburns in my novel! Curator: I think they're quite attractive and manly. It's like a Civil War ZZ Top. Another Guy: See? Jake (V/O): Silence! This is my novel! You will not bring it down, hear!?! Another Guy: It's just words. How about I can still have them and you just don't mention them? Jake (V/O): You are questioning my authority? [ a rustle is heard as Jake runs between sets, joining the crew in front of the green screen ] Jake: I made you and I can unmake you! [ in narrator voice ] Birchum shoots Another Guy. [ Birchum shoots Another Guy, who drops dead. Then Birchum shoots Jake, who doesn't ] Jake: You can't shoot me! [ in narrator voice ] Bubonic plague, now! [ other actors die, making weird groaning noises ] [ freeze frame ] [ sounds of typewriters and printers ] [ int. Office – Day ] [ Editor (Hammond) sits at desk ] Editor: [ into phone ] Judy, is Jake Something out there… no, don't send him in, God no. Just tell him the novel was alright, but it could have used a few more characters with monstrous sideburns. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
