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…Lorne Michaels …Tina Fey …Eva Longoria (Fade in – shot of 30 Rockefeller Plaza) (SUPER: Earlier tonight, Lorne’s Office) (Lorne Michaels and Tina Fey sit in Lorne’s office) Lorne: Tina, who do we have booked for tonight’s show? Tina Fey: Eva Longoria from “Desperate Housewives” and the metal band Korn. Lorne: That sounds like a great show! This sounds like one of those shows I would have booked in 1984, if I was running the show. (Attempts to do a Don Pardo impression) Mr. T with musical guest Ozzy Osborne! Tina Fey: (suddenly looks at her watch) Lorne, I have to go! I’ve got to go get pregnant again, so I can give birth for May sweeps! Lorne: That sounds like a fabulous idea. (Tina Fey exits; Lorne gets up and starts pondering, as he looks the “projected guest” board in his office) Lorne: Marci, are we sure we wanted Korn to be the musical guest tonight? Aren’t we a little worried that they might try to say, “f*** yeah” like System Of A Down did back in May? Why did we book Korn, again? (A beat) Oh…right, because we’ve had too many rap acts on the show. Wasn’t tonight’s show supposed to be John Goodman and Fiona Apple? Why couldn’t Goodman host again? Oh right, he’s got nothing to promote. He’s not on “Roseanne” anymore? (A beat) Oh. And, the last time Fiona Apple was on the show, half the writers, Jimmy Fallon and Don Pardo all got herpes. Right. I learned that lesson back in 1980 with Anne Murray. (As an after thought) Still, why couldn’t we have had 50 Cent host the show? Oh right! That means Kenan and that…other guy would have been in every sketch that episode…and we can’t have that. That’s a good idea. (Enter Eva Longoria) Eva Longoria: Hey Lorne! Lorne: Marci, did you call the escort service? It’s not Wednesday night! Eva Longoria: No Lorne, it’s me. Eva Longoria, from “Desperate Housewives”! I’m hosting the show tonight! Lorne: Right…I remember I had an idea a few years back…called “The Desperate Executive Producer!” It was going to be a reality show about me trying to get Will Ferrell to stay on the show…and then Kattan and Tracy…and then Jimmy Fallon. Jeff Zucker didn’t like the idea. And now the network is in 4th place…and now you know why! Eva Longoria: Well, I guess your show was “desperate” for a great host! (Laughs at herself) Lorne: (canned laugh) That’s funny. Did one of our writers come up with that? Eva Longoria: No, I just came up it! Lorne: Wow. That wasn’t even a funny joke. I bet our writers came up with a lot of jokes that aren’t even half as funny as that one. (Depressed) Oh… Eva Longoria: Are you okay? Lorne: Marci, do you know where my handgun is? Never mind! I’m ready to die now! (Lorne opens up the window of his office; proceeds to jump out) (Eva Longoria runs to the window; looks back to the camera) Eva Longoria: Wow! That was desperate! (Laughs to herself) LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
