|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.....Don Pardo .....Eva Longoria Ted Koppel.....Darrell Hammond Tom Brokaw.....Chris Parnell Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Eva Longoria! [Eva enters from the backdoor of home base] Eva Longoria: Thank you! Thank you! You like me! You really like me! [Laughs] I say that because, Seth kept telling me that I reminded him of a young Sally Field! I’m honored! Thank you for coming to the show tonight and thank you for watching! I never get a chance to say that to the 4 billion viewers of “Desperate Housewives”. Sometimes I wish I could do our show in front of an audience, but then people would really discover how bitchy the “housewives” really are. Trust me, we are! You get 5 women menstruating the same week, oh boy! Many people know about my character on the show, but not the real person. I’m Eva Longoria…not the character I play on “Desperate Housewives”! I’m just a small town girl from Texas and I love horses and cheap laughs…like watching Teri Hatcher trip down a flight of stairs! I love chocolate, and teddy bears and screwing the “best boy” in between takes! I love water sports and watching Marcia Cross get food poisoning! Some of you have heard that my boyfriend is San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker. Well, that’s not true. I actually don’t like to watch basketball, or sports in general. But I do like to watch the news, thou. And that is why I want to let the world know who my REAL boyfriend is. He’s simply one of the nicest, warmest gentlemen I’ve ever met and that’s why I’m pregnant with our children. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the amazing Ted Koppel! [Ted Koppel joins Eva Longoria at home base] Ted Koppel: Thank you, Eva. It's great to be here. You know, this show has poked fun at me on many an occasion, but they've never asked me to host. Not even after over thirty-five years in the television business. And here you are with one season of "Desperate Housewives" under your belt and you're already hosting the show. [Pouting] It's just not fair! Eva Longoria: [reassuringly] Oh, Teddy, don't be like that! I'm sure you'll get to host someday! Ted Koppel: [in a challenging voice] Oh yeah? When? I'm done with Nightline in a few days, and then my career is over. [A beat] Do you mind if I co-host with you? Eva Longoria: Who do you think you are? The “Alec Baldwin” to my “Kim Basinger”?! Ted Koppel: Actually, I thought I was the “Richard Benjamin” to your “Paula Prentiss”. [Enter Tom Brokaw] Tom Brokaw: Hello, Ted. Eva. T-Pac, relax! I never got to host either, and I worked for this stupid network. Ted Koppel: Do you wanna go get loaded and make fun of Bill O’Reilly? Tom Brokaw: Sounds like a plan to me, amigo! [Ted kisses Eva] Ted Koppel: I love you, sweetheart. I’ll see you back at the apartment. Have fun hosting! Eva Longoria: Okay, babe. I love you. [Ted exits the stage] Tom Brokaw: Eva, do you happen to have Nicolette Sheridan’s phone number? I want to make a booty call to my ex-girlfriend! Eva Longoria: No, sorry. Tom Brokaw: DAMN! [Tom exits the stage] Eva Longoria: We have a great show for you tonight! Korn is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
