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Tim.....Kenan Thompson Tony.....Andy Samberg Kirsten.....Eva Longoria Cop.....Horatio Sanz [Scene opens on Tim and Tony in front of some cheesy backdrop.] Tim: Hey, I'm Tim. Tony: Yo, I'm Tony. Tim: We're co-owners of Totally Awesome Tires and Stuff, the store that sells... Tony: Totally awesome tires and stuff! But mostly, (increasingly excited) Totally Awesome Tires! [Tim and Tony walk over to Kirsten who is wearing shorts and a tank top a la Hooters that reads 'TATAS'] Tim: From the cool, sophisticated store design, to our helpful staff, we're sure that you'll be totally satisfied with our service. We can satisfy your tire needs. Just walk up to the counter and say... Tony: SHOW US YOUR TATAS! Kirsten: (reading) Sure thing. (motioning like a 'Price is Right' model) We have all sorts of totally awesome tires and stuff! Tim: Tony. Tony: Yes, Tim. Tim: What makes our tires better than all the other tires? Tony: Hmmm...could it be that each of our tires is made of high grade rubber? Tim: Possibly. Tony: Or could it be our cutting edge tire design? Tim: Hmmm...high quality materials and a cutting edge design...do you suppose that's our secret? [Scroll moves across screen reading: 'Disclaimer – Totally Awesome Tires are made out of cheap rubber clumped together in a circular fashion – Tatas legal department.] Tony: Whatever it is, these tires are totally awesome! Tim: You're right. And according to our research, these tires can handle any driving condition you can throw at them! [Scroll moves across screen reading: *Disclaimer: Totally Awesome Tires may not perform well on wet, snowy, icy or some dry road conditions – Tatas legal department.] Tony: Awesome. Without a doubt, whether you're driving across the frozen tundra of Alaska or into the unforgiving desert in Nevada, you're in safe hands with totally awesome tires! [Scroll moves across screen reading: “You are not in safe hands with totally awesome tires. These guys are idiots – Tatas legal department”] Tim: There are a lot of great athletes in the world today. But what separates athletes like Marion Jones, Mark McGuire and Hulk Hogan from other great athletes? Tony: They're not only great, they're awesome! Tim: And what makes them awesome? Tony: They're awesome! Tim: That's right, steroids. Tony: Awesome! Tim: And just like those athletes, we use whatever edge we can get, to make Totally Awesome Tires the awesomest tires possible. Tony: Awesome! Tim: That's right, and though we don't condone the use of drugs, our tires are now 50% anabolic steroids. Tony: These tires are totally awesome! Tim: With performance-enhancing anabolic steroids helping your car along, there's no telling how fast you'll be able to go! Tony: And no worries... [Cut to police man holding a cup next to a car tire with the 'Totally Awesome Tires' label.] Cop: I need you to pee in this. [Tony pops his head in from the side.] Tony: NOT GONNA HAPPEN! [Cut back to Tim standing next to Kirsten.] Tim: But we didn't stop there. [Tony enters again.] Kirsten: Wait...you mean we've packed more awesomeness into your already Totally Awesome Tires? Tony: You know it, Kirsten. We didn't have to, but we've added something very special to each of our Totally Awesome Tires. Tim: That's right. Tony: Inside of each tire, along with the air, is a small sample of Mickey Rourke's semen. Tim: How do we manage to collect enough so we could put it into every one of our tires? Tony: It was surprisingly easy. Kirsten: Ohhh, I love Mickey Rourke. I feel so much more awesome knowing that wherever I go, a little piece of him comes along for the ride. [Scroll moves across screen reading: Tatas is not responsible for any grossness occurring, should a tire explode – Tatas legal department”] Tim: Awesome! Tony: Come to TATAS and get you Totally Awesome Tires Today. Kirsten: We also sell key chains and bubble gum and my breasts are real! Tim: Awesome! Tony: Totally. [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
