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Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey Hugo Chavez.....Horatio Sanz .....Will Forte Jay-C.....Chris Parnell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. While in South Korea, this week, President Bush once again took a hard stance on North Korea’s nuclear weapon development. Asked why he is so firm on North Korea’s insurgence of nuclear weapons, Bush said, “Because we’ve been funding their development…that’s why!” President Bush on Tuesday urged China to grant more freedoms to its “1 billion plus” population. Asked to elaborate, Bush said, “Like, why do I have to wait until the end of the meal to get my fortune cookie! I want my fortune, now!” President Bush's efforts to paint Democrats as hypocrites for criticizing the Iraqi war after they once warned that Saddam Hussein was a grave threat could backfire on Republicans. Reached for comment, President Bush said, “No one likes to be a hypocrite…because then you are in the same family as hippos, which are hungry, hungry.” Amy Poehler: Peace protesters heckled Dick Cheney on Tuesday as the Vice President was speaking at the groundbreaking for a public policy center honoring former Senate Majority Leader Howard Baker. Cheney appeared “rattled” by the hecklers, but just moments later, a mysterious government vehicle ran over the protesters and momentary “peace” was restored. A spokesperson for FEMA said on Tuesday that they would stop funding hotel rooms for hurricane evacuees on December 1st. Asked where the money would be transferred, the spokesperson said, “We need to help fund other programs like Mike Brown’s now famous cocaine habit.” China’s Agriculture Ministry is planning to “vaccinate” their entire poultry stock, in an attempt to fight “the bird flu”. It’s also China’s attempt to make people question, “Does this chicken tastes funny to you?” Amy Poehler: Now, here with a commentary, South America's very own, Hugo Chavez. (“Rico Suave” pots up.) Hugo Chavez: Hello, I am (a la Rico Suave) Hugo...Chavez. (music stops) The (makes quote signs) democratically, elected president of Venezuela. Hehe. It looks like I'm the next big evil oil controlling guy that you need to get rid of. Aww, no way. Earlier this year, that crazy church guy, Pat Robertson, called for my assassination! Awww, no way. What a douchebag. I'm serious. Forget everything you've heard about me, it's all just propaganda. You want to know the real me? Go to www, hugochavez, dot, com. Check out my blog. Ignore the November fourth entry, I was quite hammered that day. Anyways... First misconception. I'm a communist. Awww, no way. Fine, I might be friends with a communist or two, but who isn't? Right Amy? (he points to Tina Fey) Wink wink. (Amy looks at Tina a little weird). Seriously, so what? You'd be friends with Fidel Castro if you knew him. He's a great guy and you'll know this if you check out my website. Here's a little sample. (holds up picture) Here's a picture of me and Fidel. He always gets me with that 'pull my finger' gag. He's all like “Oh, oh, what happened?”. Hehe. Anyways, there are tons more photos of me and him on my website. Sorry, but due to bandwidth limitations the poolside shots are for members only. Oh that thong tha-thong, thong, thong. Second misconception. I do not rock hard enough. Awww, no way. I rock so hard. And the ladies love me. I'm like Bill Clinton on Viagra. It's news when I don't have sex with an intern. Third misconception. It's not cool to love Hugo Chavez. Awww, no way. You gotta love me, c'mon try out some of my merchandise. Coffee mugs, Hugo Chavez leg warmers, the Hugo Chavez doll(an actual item). (Hugo Chavez pulls the string on the doll's back) Hugo Chavez Doll: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, they're like, it's better than yours, damn right, much better than yours. I'd teach you, but I'd have to charge. Hugo Chavez: Pretty sweet, huh? It's cool to wear a (holds it up)Che Guevara t-shirt BUT it's super cool to wear a Hugo Chavez t-shirt. (He holds up another t-shirt with his smiling face, an arrow and “I'm with El Presidente”) So, my message to you, the good people of the United States, is that Hugo Chavez is your friend. (music pots up.) That's Hugo...Chavez Visit my website and don't be too shy to sign the guest book! Unless you're a douchebag like Pat Robertson. Awww, no way! Tina Fey: That was Hugo Chavez. And I'm not a communist. (Amy looks at her funny again.) I'm not. The organization behind the “Miss America” pageant announced this week that the beauty competition would be moved to Las Vegas. As if the “Miss America” pageant couldn’t get anymore sleazy, they move it to “Dog Sh** Covered In Glitter, USA”! Tina Fey: In a surprise move this week, George Steinbrenner signed Terrell Owens to play first base for the New York Yankees. Yankees star first basemen Jason Giambi was reached for comment, who said, (like The Hulk) “THAT MAKE THE GIAMBI ANGRY!” Amy Poehler: A judge sentenced a former city councilman in San Diego, to nearly two years in prison, Thursday, for a scheme to overturn a ban on touching dancers at strip clubs. Most interesting about this story, it has little or nothing to do with “single dollar bills”. Tina Fey: The Philadelphia Eagles said this week that star quarterback Donovan McNabb will need to have a season-ending surgery, to fix a serious groin injury. Team doctors are also questioning if, while in surgery, they can remove a 226-pound trash talking, end zone dancing “hemorrhoid” from McNabb’s ass. (A picture of Terrell Owens’ head sticking out of McNabb backend) Amy Poehler: He should really have that looked at! Singer Carrie Underwood said recently that she wants to be known as both a country singer and a pop singer. She also wants to be known as someone who won’t have sex until she’s married. (Nods) Hmm…I bet she masturbates A LOT! Tina Fey: “Chicken Little” beat out 50 Cent’s “Get Rich Or Die Tryin’” at the box office this past weekend. An angry 50 Cent commented on the “loss”, saying, “If I find that chicken, I’m gonna kill it! Because I’m hungry! My movie didn’t make enough money…now, I can’t buy food!” The judge who sentenced singer Courtney Love to rehab, allowed Love to leave rehab. Don't get excited! That judge is letting her out, so she can host the "Crack Ho Awards" with Whitney Houston. Hope to see you back in rehab, soon, Courtney! Amy Poehler: It has been rumored that NBC will be canceling Martha Stewart’s version of “The Apprentice”. NBC Entertainment President Jeff Zucker could not be reached for comment, but his assistant told Weekend Update, while hiding under her desk, “The rumor is true, but you didn’t hear that from me! I don’t want to be stabbed by that shiv making bitch!” Tina Fey: In another desperate sweeps stunt, please welcome Couch Man! Amy Poehler: Yay Couch Man... (Will Forte stumbles over to the Update desk He cannot see because he has a couch cushion stuck to his face) Couch Man: (monotone) It’s me, Couch Man, here for November sweeps. I will now talk about lint conservation. Lint is very- (breaks character) Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Tina, this is another one of your last minute screw jobs! Couch Man... who finds a couch funny? Tina Fey: Well maybe if you had a better costume than just super gluing a cushion to your face, the bit would go better. Will Forte: Oh, go write another retarded Bush joke! (Pounds his hand onto the desk) Oh great! Amy Poehler: What? Will Forte: I had super glue on my hands! Now this one is stuck to the desk! Tina Fey: You can use the other hand and wave to mommy ya dill-hole, because I’ll tell all the lame jokes I want to tell! Will Forte: (sticks his other hand up in Tina’s face) If my fingers weren’t stuck I’d give you the finger! This is a horrible way to kick off the Thanksgiving season! Tina Fey: Look Will, I’m sorry about last year’s Thanksgiving party when I told everyone that goat feces were more appetizing than your stuffing. Is that why you’re so angry? Will Forte: (hangs his cushion covered head in shame) Yes... (NBC Security guard comes in and firmly yanks Will Forte’s hand away from the desk, and carries him off) Will Forte: MY SKIN BURNS!!!! Tina Fey: Will Forte as Couch Man, everybody! In health news, studies show that Will Forte’s stuffing is so bad that soup kitchens won’t serve it. The surgeon general says that prolonged exposure to his Thanksgiving stuffing can result in a low sperm count and diarrhea. Will Forte: (offstage) TINA FEY! I know where you live! Be prepared to have an invasion of Frat Boys so large that your head will spin! And Amy... I told Will Arnett that he’s related to Danny Bonaduce, so don’t expect any Boonaki tonight! AHAHAHAHA! (Tina and Amy shake their heads in disgust) Amy Poehler: In more health news, studies show that Viagra is an effective treatment for Lung Disease. That’s great, but can Viagra cure Lung cancer? Because, you know all those old dudes need a smoke after getting it on! Oprah Winfrey revealed this week that she once dated Roger Ebert! Asked to comment Roger Ebert said... I give the relationship a thumbs down and I would never point my thumb up around Oprah Winfrey. Mr. Ebert added that he’s not talking about his finger! Tina Fey: After comparing genetic code for snake and lizard venom, scientists this week have determined that both animals evolved from an unknown single reptile ancestor. Scientists will call this acid spewing vile creature, Bill O’Reilly! Amy Poehler: Russell Crowe pleaded guilty to assault charges. Not knowing if he would go to jail, his 30 Odd Foot of Grunts immediately confessed to smuggling cocaine into the country! It turns out Russell Crowe got off with just a 160 dollar fine! Oh well, I’m sure Russell can find another Australian bar group to jam with. Tina Fey: A Pennsylvania Construction site for Wal-Mart was raided on Friday. 125 were arrested on immigration violations. A Wal-Mart spokesman said the Feds want all the foreigners out of here, so I guess we’re back to having cranky old people running the aisles of Wal-Mart. Marlene Whitby an elementary school principal in Pennsylvania resigned this week after parents were unhappy with her strict punishments. She will be replaced by a more acceptable person, Principal Walk-All-Over-Me. Amy Poehler: And now here with a “somewhat” personal commentary, is our resident pedophile, Jay-C! Jay-C: Hey Amy! You’re looking good enough to molest! Well, what’s going on? As many people want to know, what’s on Jay-C’s mind, beyond the Olsen twins! Well, first off! Why do people get in such a twist when there are “racy” scenes on television? There was a study recently that showed that the image of “sex” has been seen on television more in the last year than in the entire existence of television. Like, the other night, I’m watching TV and “The O.C.” is on and all of a sudden, Mischa Barton shows one of her breasts! That’s outrageous! I mean, why is it every time a tit is shown on “network” television, it’s an ugly tit! I mean, first, there was Janet Jackson…and she only showed one tit! What’s sexy about that? And, it was an ugly “sagging” tit, too! Teenage boys aren’t getting off on that! I am, but that’s beside the point! The other night, Mischa Barton shows her tit! (Mimics a disgusted reaction) I like young girls as much as the next guy who is a “registered sex offender”, but I’m not interested in seeing “O.C.” girl’s little titty! Hey FOX, if you want me to watch your shows, then promise me that at the end of every episode of “STACKED”, we, the viewers see a “fun bag”! I don’t think I’m asking a lot! Tina Fey: Jay-C, what would it take to get you to watch our show more often? Jay-C: Tina, I know what you’re getting at…and you and Amy don’t have to make out with each other…I’d be really be pushing it. (Jay-C looks down, innocently looks back at Amy & Tina, they both mouth “NO” at Jay-C) Jay-C: You can’t blame a guy from trying! Amy Poehler: Yes, you can. Jay-C: Anyhow, what else is on my mind? Vietnam police are looking for one-hit wonder / child pornography connoisseur Gary Glitter because he allegedly asked a 14 year old Vietnamese girl for sex. Now, I just have to say this outrages me! If every guy accepted every sexual advance from a girl who wasn’t “of age”, there would be no men in the world! Every guy would be in jail! Am I right, guys? (Accepts all the cheers from the men in the audience) That’s right! Men, we must help Gary Glitter…to remove him from this oppression! Follow my lead! (Jay-C breaks into a rendition of “Rock-N-Roll Part 2”) Dun dun dun dun dun da! Hey! Dun dun dun dun dun da! Hey! (Jay-C runs out into the audience; some men follow him out of the studio chanting the song) (Cut back to the update desk) Amy Poehler: Jay-C, the pedophile! Tina Fey: Finally tonight, singer Christina Aguilera got married this weekend. Man, I bet the honeymoon must have been shocking! You're about to go down on her, for the first time...and it's like a never-ending tunnel! There's "Bob Was Here!" engraved on the "walls". What am I saying? Christina Aguilera banged the Houston Rockets! Not just one player...the whole team! Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
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