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Mary…Amy Poehler Dave Schneider…Jason Sudeikis Chase…Dane Cook Michael…Seth Meyers Announcer…Darrell Hammond Stacy…Rachel Dratch (Fade in) (An open office setting with desks and a coffee maker and a water cooler) (Dave Schneider sits at his desk working on a file on his computer; Chase & Michael hang out by the coffee maker) (Enter Mary) Mary: Hey Dave, how are you today? Dave Schneider: Oh, I’m a-sexually fine! Mary: (confused) That’s nice. (Mary walks over the coffee maker to talk to Chase & Michael) Michael: Hey Mary! Mary: Guys, what’s with Dave? Chase: Dave? You didn’t hear? Dave’s asexual! (As announcer speaks, scrolling text moves up the screen) Announcer: DAVE SCHNEIDER – THE ASEXUAL GUY! This is the story of “Dave Schneider”. He’s just a normal guy who was struck by lightening one night while getting serviced by a hooker in a back alley. Since that day, Dave has lived a life of celibacy. He lives an “asexual” life. Tonight’s episode, “Just Another Day At The Office”. (Fade back to the office) Mary: Dave’s asexual? What does that mean? Michael: I have no idea, but it seems weird enough to be normal! Chase: Right, Michael! (Enter Stacy) Stacy: Hello Dave! Dave: Hello Stacy! You know, I’d like to have sex with you sometime, even though, as the entire office knows, I’m asexual! Stacy: That’s good to know. (Chase, Michael and Mary walk over to Dave’s desk) Dave: Hey guys! I’m just working on the John Allen report. I think the boss is going to be amazed with how much money I’m going to be saving the company by not having sex with John Allen’s secretary! Michael: You know, Dave, we were just talking, and we were wondering…we know you are “asexual”. What exactly does that mean? Dave: Well, Michael, years ago, when I was bisexual, I would have been attracted to you. 3 years ago, when I swore off men, and become heterosexual, I would have only wanted to have sex with Stacy…not Mary, because, as everyone in this office knows, Mary is a dirty whore! When I was struck by lightening, I became asexual! Meaning, most of the time, I’m attracted to myself. I just want to masturbate and love my body, while some days, I’d prefer to just pent up my sexual urges and take myself to the chocolate factory…if you know what I’m getting at! Stacy: Wow. Dave: (gets up from his desk) Excuse me, fellow employees…I have the sudden urge to go have sex with myself! See you in a bit! (Dave exits) Michael: Well, that was awkward! Chase: Oh, because he’s going to the bathroom to masturbate? Michael: Well, there is that, but… Chase: Oh, because I took you to “browntown” during lunch in the same stall? Michael: That would be it! (Fade in) Announcer: This has been “Dave Schneider – THE ASEXUAL GUY”! Join us next week for another episode! Here’s a clip from next week’s episode – “The High School Reunion”! (Fade to Dave at his High School Reunion) (Cue Music – “I Alone” by LIVE) Dave: CLASS OF ’95 ASEXUALLY ROCKS! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
