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Billy...Dane Cook Grammy...Rachel Dratch (guy is walking with grandmother in mall near bench, whole scene takes place on the bench) Billy: Grammy, you want to sit down? Grammy: What’s that, honey? Billy: Do you want to sit down? Grammy: Huh? Billy: Gram, would you like to sit down? (grandmother sits down on the bench) Grammy: One more time, can’t hear you. Billy: Never mind. Grammy: What’s that? Billy: NEVER MIND!!!!!!!! Grammy: Oh, okay. (Billy sits down with CD player and puts them up to his ears) What are you doing, Billy? Billy: Just listening to some music. Grammy: What music? Billy: This is a CD player. A CD is put into the player and I listen to it through the headphones. Grammy: Oh. That’s nice. It’s great that you’re with me at the mall. Billy: It’s just I thought you would want to come when the stores were open, and not 4 o’clock in the morning. You can see how I could be a little upset, and cranky for this. Grammy: What? Billy: I’m just a little cranky, don’t mind me. Grammy: Huh? Billy: Forget it. (grandmother shakes head as if she can’t hear, Billy just grits his teeth and continues to stare out into the mall) Grammy: Are you excited for Christmas? Billy: Yes, Grammy, for the hundredth time, I’m excited for Christmas. I’m not a child anymore, I’m 28. 4 o’clock in the morning, God! Grammy: We can go home if you want. Billy: No, Gram. I’m just very tired. I want to do whatever you want to do. Grammy: Okay, honey. (caption says, “Four Hours Go By”) (Billy is asleep, and Grammy is in same position as before, looking around innocently) Grammy: Billy, Billy. Billy. Billy: (waking up) Huh, wha? What? Oh, man. I fell asleep. Grammy: Hi. Billy: What? Grammy: Hi. Billy: (confused) Hi. Grammy: Hi. Billy: Okay, Grammy. Let’s go shopping. Grammy: Can we just sit here for a few minutes? Billy: If that’s what you want, Grammy. Grammy: Yes. So, how are you doing? Billy: Gram, that is like the seventh time you’ve asked me that. Geez. Grammy: Sorry. What are you listening to? Billy: Dokken. Grammy: What? Billy: The musical rock group that I am listening to on my compact disc player is Dokken. Grammy: Dog-gone? Billy: No, Dokken. Grammy: Dog-gone? Billy: Yes, Dog-gone. The name of the group is Dog-gone. Grammy: What? Billy: DOG-GONE!!!!!!!!!!! (looks around at people that are supposedly there but off-camera) Sorry, all of you. Sorry. Great, now people think that I’m a guy who cusses words from the 1930’s. Grammy: You know, when I was a little girl, we didn’t have malls or anything like that. Billy: Hard to believe. Grammy: No, in my time, we worked in sweatshops 96 hours a week. Billy: (shocked) Good lord. Grammy: Yes, we were given water for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and after we had finished sewing pants, shirts, what-have-you, we would end the day with our bosses whipping us into submission. Billy: My God! Where did you grow up? In Russia? Grammy: Hahahahahahahaha! You’re funny. Billy: That’s just an awful story. Grammy: I’m sorry you didn’t like it. Billy: Was I supposed to? (few seconds go by and both are looking out into fake mall) Grammy: Billy. Billy: Yup, Gram. Grammy: Hi. Billy: (annoyed) Yeah, hi. Grammy: Hi. Billy: Hi, hello. Hello. Grammy: You don’t hang around with the wrong crowd, do you? Billy: No, Gram. Not if you call the haggard people in the warehouse where I work, the wrong people. Grammy: I don’t want you hanging around with bad boys. You’re not a bad boy, are you? Billy: Gram..... Grammy: You’re the greatest boy in the whole world. Well, one of the greatest. All of my grandchildren are great. Billy: You’re great, too, Gram. Grammy: What a beautiful day. (kids noises go by, and whooping and hollering) Kids (voices): YEAH!!!!! OW!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Billy: Idiot kids. Drooling over video game chicks with big boobs doesn’t make you cool. Grammy: Which kid was that? Billy: Which kid was what? Grammy: Which one was Woo? (Billy just rolls his eyes and doesn’t answer) Huh? Billy: The....the one on the left. Grammy: Oh, that was Woo. He didn’t look Oriental. Billy: I believe the correct name is Asian-American. Whatever. Grammy: Look at those boys. Littering and yelling and fooling around. Billy: What? Those big kids over there. Don’t worry about them. Grammy: I bet you could scare all of them away. Billy: I very well could, yes. Grammy: Go tell them to stop littering. Billy: I don’t think so, Grammy. No way. Grammy: Well, if you don’t I will. Billy: Oh, yeah. Great idea, Gram. Going up to that group of big kids with bandanas and flashing gang signs. I’m sure they’ll listen to the elderly lady berating them and not kill her. Don’t worry about it, Gram. Let’s get going. Grammy: Here’s some money. Billy: I don’t need any money, Gram. Grammy: Take the money. Billy: Gram, no. Grammy: Take it. Billy: I don’t want to.... Grammy: Please, take it. Take it. Billy: Thank you. I’ll put this two bucks to good use. Grammy: You can put in the piggy bank. Billy: Right, let’s go, Gram. (both get up) Grammy: What are you listening to, honey? Billy: Dog-gone. Grammy: Huh? Billy: DOG-GONE!!!!!! (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
