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Rake Phillips...Dane Cook Stinger...Andy Samberg Osgood...Kenan Thompson Cujo...Bill Hader Trent Phillips...Jason Sudeikis Announcer(voice)...Chris Parnell (rugged angry guy comes out in front of the camera, and yells in entire commercial) Rake Phillips: Guess who's back? That's right. Rake Phillips, here. Remember me. You will now. (throughout commercial, song "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy playing lightly in background) Thought we were done with the terrorizing of the tiny city of Gatorville, Florida? Well, think again. The Hilltop Gang is back, and armed robbery and B & E was just us getting started. Back in jail we came up with a plan, and now we are here to sell discount furniture on your television sets....AND YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT, PERIOD!!!!!!!! (walks over to loveseat couch with pillows and Stinger and Osgood are sitting on it) Here are Stinger and Osgood. These guys walked in with me in every bank I robbed, watching my back. Can?t get much of that dedication anywhere else. Stinger: You're all going to wish that you hadn't put us behind bars. And at the same time, we will be selling this loveseat sofa, normally at the cost of $350, for only $275 in the coming weeks. PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!!!! Osgood: I had my dignity raped away from me in prison. I can no longer stand up straight when I walk down the street. I have horrible nightmares about every single minute in that jail cell. And also, did we mention the pillows are free of charge? Rake Phillips: FREE PILLOWS!!!!!!!!! You can't get any better than that. Yes, when you see us walking down the streets together, never breaking apart from our brotherly pact, you will know that vengeance is ours, and that you will all pay for your choice to put us away for five-plus years. But, what you won't pay is taxes on any of our furniture. That's the Hilltop Gang's guarantee. (walks over to massaging recliner and Cujo, man staring into camera with dazed look on face and has eyepatch on) Now, this soothing, relaxing recliner will be the highlight of any living room. With six different control settings, it's like being in Heaven. This is Cujo here, our old getaway driver. Yep, he's probably the one that hates you people most of all. Tell them what happened to your eye, Cuje. (Cujo just stares gritting his teeth into camera) I'll tell 'em. A guy in the cafeteria thought he stole his cornbread, and scooped his eye out with a spoon. Tragic stuff. I wouldn't want to be anybody living in Gatorville right now. Whoa-ho! And the recliner's only $450! Can?t beat that. (walks over to sign hanging above saying, "Hilltop Gang Furniture: Welcome To Hell & Low, Low Prices!") But, don't take our threats as kidding around. Here's my brother, Trent, to talk about our goal. Trent Phillips: Thanks, Rake. My brother is not kidding around. Yes, we're the Hilltop Gang. Are we going to still rob banks? Sure. Will we remain burglars? Of course. But, our top priority is badgering you on the television airwaves, keeping you in check as to our status in your town, and that we are a force not to be wreckened with. We are also here to steer you clear of other discount furniture stores trying to rip you off. We're here to help, and hurt!!!!! Rake Phillips: So, come on down. We'll be waiting. (gang is on-screen looking angry and stiffening fists) (next photo screen shows them smiling and letting people into warehouse like normal furniture salesmen) Announcer (voice): Hilltop Gang Furniture. Off Exit 32A. All men are permitted to wear a cup. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
