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Dane.....Dane Cook Corey.....Kenan Thompson Lady.....Amy Poehler Bailiff.....Will Forte Inmate.....Darrell Hammond [Dane walks up to video rental counter carrying a movie.] Dane: Hey. Corey: Hello, there and welcome to 'Eddie Movies DVD Rental Emporium'. I see you've made your selection. I'll be happy to process it right here for you. Dane: I know. I come, like, twice a week. I don't know why you always have to say that. Corey: Just following standard protocol, Mr. Davies. Dane: I know. I've heard that one before, too! Corey: You're such a kidder. How have you been? Dane: Can you keep a secret? Corey: I...suppose. Dane: I've been sleeping with a married woman. Corey: Egads! Dane: Relax, it's my wife! Corey: What? Dane: It's a joke...I read it on the Internet. Get it, married woman, my wife... Corey: I see...there's nothing funny about adultery, Mr. Davies. [people in lineup give Dane a dirty look] Dane: No, there was no adultery, (slowly) I've been sleeping with my wife. Corey: Nothing funny. Would you like to pay your late fees? Dane: Late fees? For what? Corey: (reading off computer screen) "Big Breasted Babes of Bosnia and Herzegovina." [People in lineup give Dane a dirty look] Dane: Shh...how much is the fee? Corey: It was two days late...plus the rewind charge.. Dane: Rewind charge? Corey: Yes, it says here, that you did not rewind the movie. Dane: It was a DVD! Corey: Did you rewind it before returning it? Dane: How? It's impossible! Corey: So, that's a no? Dane: No. Corey: Sir, the computer shows a rewind charge and therefore I'm going to have to charge you. Dane: The computer is wrong! It shows wrongness is what it shows. It's a box filled with electronic lies! Corey: The computer knows all. In fact, Mr. Davies...is everything alright between you and Mrs. Davies? Dane: Yeah...why? Corey: She didn't go anywhere around October twentieth did she? Dane: Huh? She...I guess she went to her mother's around that time? What's going on? Corey: Well, the computer shows that you rented "A Lot Like Love" on the sixteenth, then on the twentieth you rented "Singing in the Rain"...then on the 25th you rented "Blow", followed by "Snatch", "Dick", "Girls Gone Wild: Thanks for the Mammaries", "The Lust Boat XI"... [People in line give him a dirty look] Dane: C'mon man, you're killing me here. Lady: Are you almost done with the pervert? I'd like to get home and watch my movie. Dane: I'm not a pervert. Geez. Lady: Fine, Mr. "I think Adultery is Hilarious". Dane: I...I'm not saying that. Lady: I can't wait until George W. puts "stoning" back in the books. We'll see how much you're laughing then. Dane: (to Corey) Look, my wife left me, alright. I'm not a pervert, I was just feeling a bit lonely. Now, I'll pay for my late fee...but I won't pay for the rewind fee. Corey: Sir, why don't you pay the rewind fee and chalk it up to a lesson learned? Dane: What lesson? I did nothing. The DVD was not returned not rewinded! Corey: I'm supposed to believe a man who claims to be sleeping with a wife who he claims has left him? Dane: She did leave me. I haven't had sex in a month and a half. I probably told the joke because I wish she was still with me so we could have sex. Lady: In a public place? You disgusting man! Dane: (to lady) I didn't mean here. Obviously. Why would I want to do that here...seriously. Corey: Sorry sir, the charge stands. Dane: Oh really. Well, if we're going to be nitpicky, then you know what, I think I'd like a refund for those movies you mentioned, the ones with the misleading titles. I was duped into renting those... Corey: I assume you're talking about "Blow", "Sn..." Dane: Stop, right there. There are no perverts here, we don't need to hear those titles again. Alright? (points to lady) She just came over on the Mayflower, and we wouldn't want to offend her. Lady: What? Screw you, ass (beep)! [Dane and Corey look shocked] Lady: Mother (beep). Who the (beep) do you think you are! (throws DVD at Dane) I'm outta this (beep)ing place. (beep)! (beep)! (beep) (beep) me! Dane: Well, I was not expecting that...(looks at the video. Reading) "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"? Hmmm... [Corey shakes his head. Dane puts the dvd on the counter.] Corey: (sincere) Look, man. I know what you're going through. Your wife left you, you're a mess. The last thing you need is some extra charges on your bill. I'm gonna pay the fine for you, okay? Dane: Awww, man, that's sweet. You're a great guy. Corey: You're gonna actually let me pay the fine for you? Dane: Uhh, yeah. Corey: What a jerk. I'm not paying your fine! You're the one who forgot to rewind the dvd, not me! [Lady returns.] Dane: (holding out a dvd) Seriously, dude, feel this, it's physically rigid! Lady: You are SO perverse. [Lady throws her hands up and leaves.] Dane: What? The dvd...there is no mechanism to rewind it...so confusing... Corey: If you won't pay, then I guess we'll be seeing each other in court. Dane: Fine by me. [Dane waves his arms and exits. Cut to a courthouse establishing shot and then show Corey and Dane in the courtroom in their respective areas. It looks like Judge Judy.] Baliff: All rise, the honorable Judge Julie presiding. [Lady enters, she's the judge!] Dane: Oh no. [Cut to a shot of a prison and then a closeup of Dane behind bars. He leans on the cell doors with his arms through the bars.] Dane: Uhhhh, man, did I get screwed over. [Lady enters as he is saying this.] Lady: Sick! You're going to solitary! (to Inmate, disgusted) And you... Dane: Should've paid the fine... [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
