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Jim Skinner...Seth Meyers
(man sitting behind desk of office staring into the camera) Jim Skinner: Hello, I’m Jim Skinner, CEO of McDonald’s Corporation of America. As many of you fast food eaters know, McDonald’s is the most innovative chain in the U.S. Not only have we recently accepted debit cards and credit cards, we now give guests broadband connections for their laptops computers. Also, many children can now interact with other video gamers when they plug in their Nintendo DS into Wi-Fi connections. Yes, McDonald’s has it all, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Over the next coming years, we will provide even better service for everyone. Many people complain about there being too many handicap spots at supermarkets and restaurants, as they are right there, waiting to be parked in. Well, at McDonald’s chains, we will be getting rid of all handicap parking spaces, allowing everyone a free chance to get to the front door. But, you’re saying, “That’s diabolical, King Skinner. I mean, Jim Skinner. Certainly there will be physically-challenged persons eating at your eateries!” There’s no need for this dilemma, as all McDonald’s fast food chains will have a man who can lift at least 300 pounds working there specifically to carry said handicapped customers to the door. Service at the golden arches is where it’s at. Why not take a dip into our indoor pools, in temperature-controlled rooms? Take a dive, or a brisk swim, and relax. Ever go into a McDonald’s and wish you could feel cleaner? Now, both restrooms for men and women will hold shower rooms for those who would like to take a nice hot cleansing shower to take their mind off of their dreary work-a-day lives. The soaps are also complimentary, and take as many as you want. Want some competition on the go....join our squash tournaments, played everyday after the dinner rushes. Live in the middle of America? Thousands of miles from the closest slot machine? McDonald’s has now garnered a gambling license in 37 of the 48 continental states. Odds are in your favor of a Las Vegas getaway at participating McDonald’s. Listen to Robert Goulet, Wayne Newton and Marvin Hamlisch in our Lounge Lizards’ section, new at McDonald’s. (caption rolls across screen saying the word MCDONALD’S every ten seconds) And for all risk-taking customers, we have a special room for Russian Roulette. Rent or bring your own firearms. (Caption: Only in red states) (Caption: Must be at least 13 years old to enter) (black screen) (captions follow what announcer says) Announcer: McDonald’s. Slowly taking over the world, day by day. Jim Skinner: "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
