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…Don Pardo …Dane Cook Don Pardo (V/O): Ladies and gentlemen, Dane Cook! (Dane enters from the backdoor of home base; Dane walks out carrying a microphone as if he was going to perform stand-up) Dane Cook: Thank you! Thank you! It’s an honor to be hosting this show! It’s been a dream of mine! (Groans) I think I ate way too much turkey last Thursday. I’m still carrying around all the extra weight. It’s a lot harder for skinny people. We eat maybe 3 or 4 big meals a year. Thanksgiving, Christmas dinner…and the few times we get dragged to “The All You Can Eat Buffet” by our fat friends! I like fat people. They are “grateful”, “cheery” individuals. Yeah, they sweat when they tie their shoes. Maybe we should feel sorry for them. Do we? No, not really. Maybe we feel a little guilty about not asking them if they need a hand getting up the stairs to their apartment. But once they manage to close the passenger’s side door (Mimics the car door closing shut) Buh-bye! (Mimics tires screeching away) (Pause) (Groans) I’m going to hell! I remember when I was just starting out in comedy, I use to hang out at all hours at bars, trying to hook up with fat chicks. I always believed that the saying “more to love” was true. I liked full figured chicks! Big cans! Lots of cellulite! Some fries to go with the shake! I met this one chick, Tammy! She looked like a plus-size version of Valerie Bertinelli…minus the killer body! She had a killer body…a body that could kill a mammal. She has a cute face and nice rack…and jumbo size ass to back up the truck! That thing beeped when it backed up! (Mimics a truck backing up) Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Shha! We were back at her apartment. I’m lying there on her bed. She’s getting undressed. She climbs on top of me…her fun bags are flopping in my face. Now I know what the sun feels like when the moon blocks it during an eclipse. We get done having sex…I’m sweaty. She’s sweaty. I’m smoking a cigarette. She’s smoking a whole freakin’ pack! I’m like, “DAMN!” I don’t sleep with the big girls anymore. Not too much, at least. Big girls do need love too. But the next time I’ve training for the Olympics, I’ll look one of you girls up! Hey, we have a great show for you, tonight! James Blunt is here! So stick with around! We’ll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
