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The Midnight Rambler.....Dane Cook Jen.....Kristen Wiig Will.....Bill Hader Lindsey.....Amy Poehler [ Open in a dorm room. Lindsey and Jen are sitting on the bed studying while Will sits in a beanbag chair watching TV. The Midnight Rambler, dressed all in black and carrying a knife, quietly opens the door, tippie toes in and shuts the door behind him silenty. He then turns around to face the group. ] Will: Hey. Midnight Rambler: Hey. Hey! What are all of you doing here?!? Jen: Um, me and Lindsey are studying and Will's hanging out. What are you doing here? Midnight Rambler: No! No! No! I've been stalking you for a month. Lindsey's supposed to be out trashing it up with her boyfriend and you're supposed to be in bed since nine. Jen: So? Midnight Rambler: So it's midnight! Jen: Well I have a final tomorrow. And why are you stalking me, freak? Midnight Rambler: I'm the Midnight Rambler. Lindsey: Who? Midnight Rambler: You know, the Midnight Rambler. [ does stabbing motion with knife ] Will: Doesn't ring a bell. Midnight Rambler: Come on, the serial killer that's been terrorizing the campus. Jen: I haven't heard of any murders. Lindsey: Neither have I. Who have you killed? Midnight Rambler: Well, just Kevin Holmes so far, but... Lindsey: Eww, that mean stoner guy from down the hall? Jen: He tried to stab me once! Will: Oh please, he thought you were a hamburger. Besides, Kevin wasn't murdered, he choked on a piece of pizza. Midnight Rambler: Yeah, but I was there and I didn't do anything about it. That's murder by negligence. So why aren't you all cowering in fear? Will: Well, you're just not all that intimidating. Midnight Rambler: What about you two? Lindsey: No. Jen: Nope, sorry. Midnight Rambler: Come on! I'm the hit-and-run raper in anger! I'm in and out like that! [ snaps fingers effeminately ] I sigh down the wind so sadly, listen and you'll hear me moan... Jen: First of all, stop giving yourself monikers. You didn't rape or kill anybody. You just watched some fat stoner choke. Not serial killer material, really. Besides, listen and we'll hear you moan? Sounds kinda gay... Midnight Rambler: I am not gay! Lindsey: Sure... Midnight Rambler: I'm not! [ cell phone rings ] Hold on, I gotta take this. But after I'm done, you're all gonna pay and stuff. Lindsey: Ooh! "Pay and stuff"! [ everyone laughs. The Midnight Rambler stands stonefaced. ] Will: Whoa, whoa whoa. Hold on, that is the most annoying cell phone I've ever heard. It's like tropical music with flamboyantly gay overtones. Like the kind they probably play in gay bars in Barbados. The kind of place they probably named Barbadudes. [ everyone breaks up again. The Midnight Rambler stands fuming. ] Midnight Rambler: [ into the cellphone ] Sorry, I can't talk right now. [ slams the phone together and puts it into his waistbelt carefully then returns to anger ] That's it! Alright, everyone up. [ nobody moves ] I said everyone up and sit on the floor in the Chinese sit-dance. [ nobody moves ] Will: You mean Indian style? Midnight Rambler: Shutup! Lindsey: [ To Jen ] You know Brian took me to that new Chinese restaurant on Saturday. Jen: How was it? Lindsey: Grrreat. Will: Meh. Jen: Meh? Will: I went there and their food was like an orgasm...sticky, overpriced and somewhat awkward to clean up. Lindsey: Did you go with Renee? Will: No, she says she doesn't walk to talk to me anymore. Lindsey: Why? Will: Apparently, something I said online freaked her out. Jen: How the hell do you mess up an online game? I mean, you've got a backspace, you could have cut and paste what you were saying to any of us. You could've put it in Google to see if you would sound like an idiot. Hell, you could've asked Jeeves, "Will this make me look like a lunatic?" They would have gotten back to you in half a second telling you yes and given you twelve different sites to help you look not so crazy. GOD. Midnight Rambler: Stop ignoring me! And no talking! You're all supposed to be praying for your lives not talking about stupid relationsh..So wait, does that mean you're single? Lindsey: I knew it! Midnight Rambler: What? Lindsey: You're gay! Will: Honestly dude, all "serial killer" credibility just went right out the window. Midnight Rambler: But...but I...yeah? Will: Yep. Midnight Rambler: How about you two? Jen: Sorry to say. Lindsey: Mmm-hmm. Midnight Rambler: Fine. [ Starts to walk out of the room dejected. Mumbles "I don't wanna be a stupid serial killer anyway" before throwing his knife to the floor and walking out. ] Jen: So as I was saying... [ knock on the door ] Lindsey: It's open. Midnight Rambler: Yeah, it's me again. I actually need to take that with me. [ points to the knife he threw on the ground in disappointment. ] Lindsey: Sure. Will: Sad dude, really sad. [ The Midnight Rambler picks up the knife and walks out of the room, head hung in shame. ] [ Fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
