|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Spokesman... Dane Cook Husband... Bill Hader Wife... Amy Poehler Announcer (V/O)... Chris Parnell (The scene opens on a rather dull living room setting, drab walls and furniture and the like. A married couple is sitting on a couch watching TV, and looking bored out of their minds. As the television drones on, the husband yawns and the wife dozes off. Her husband notices and tries to wake her up by poking her... on her breast. After a few pokes, she gets up and slaps him across the face. He grabs his cheek and holds it, while his wife looks upset at her indiscretion. The two yawn again, unable to fend off the ennui. They are surprised to hear a voice penetrate the mostly silent room) Spokesman: (inquisitive) Winter blahs got you down? Tired of spending these cold, dreary days looking at the same four walls you do every other day of the year? (the couple nods in reply) Spokesman: It's obvious that you need to get away from this monotony. Escape this choking stagnation and get out into the beauty of the natural world. And we can help you? Wife: (inquisitive) Who can help us? How? (the scene changes to a man in a deep-blue suit, the Spokesman, standing on a lush grassy lawn before an elegant wooden home. He addresses the camera and smiles.) Spokesman: If you're looking for a break from a dull, humdrum life, a Frontier Timber Home will provide you with exactly what you need. (cut to the same Spokesman standing on a wooden deck at the back of the house as the married couple lean on a railing, gazing out into the wilderness and smiling in admiration.) Spokesman: Frontier Timber Homes offers its clients refreshment and rejuvination in natural splendor. Our vacation lodges are custom built to the buyer's specifications, and each is conveniently located in a spot of company-owned property that provides not only comfort in the verdant woodlands, but also quick access to roads and highways... provided you want to leave. (He begins to laugh lightly, and the couple politely joins in.) Husband: Amen to that. It's so lush and peaceful here, I don't think I ever want to leave. Spokesman: (to the camera) As you can see from their now-cheerful dispositions, this getaway was exactly what they needed to gain a new appreciation for life. Frontier Homes promises that our cabins will lift your spirits and surround you in God's splendor, leaving you so relaxed you won't even care that the lease you signed for the home will cause you to pay more in ownership costs than the mortgage on your acutal house, even though you'll probably only use this lodge for an average of less than a month each year. (The husband walks up next to the spokesman) Husband: This was the perfect remedy for my darling and I. I just love it here. (He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a cigarette and a lighter.) Spokesman: Well, we're glad that the good people at Frontier Timber Homes could suit all your nee... (He sees the husband putting the cigarette in his mouth and trying to spark the lighter. He gets a startled look on his face.) Spokesman: What are you doing? Husband: Just thought I'd enjoy the wilderness view with a little smoke. (he continues to try and flick his lighter on.) Spokesman: You're, uh, not going to light that, are you? Husband: (quizzically) Well, trying to suck the tobacco out just doesn't provide the same pleasure as inhaling it. Of course I'm going to light it. Is something wrong with that? Spokesman: (scoffs) Not if you want your backyard view to look like a Colorado in the summer. Hello, this is a wooden house. (He stamps his foot on the deck to emphasize his point.) You're standing on wood, and you're going to start a fire. That's not a good idea. Husband: (skeptical) Oh, come on, you can't be serious. (The husband is surprised when the spokesman grabs the lighter from his hand and puts it in his own pocket.) Spokesman: (forceful) Look, just hold off on this habit until you get back to your own home, when you're only at risk for killing yourself and not everyone else. (The spokesman storms off, leaving the husband shocked and rather offended.) (The scene cuts to a well-furnished living room where the wife and the spokesman are near a fireplace. The wife is kneeling by it, obviously trying to light it. The spokesman is oblivous to her actions as he addresses the camera.) Spokesman: Every Frontier home is designed to provide its owners with comfort and satisfaction. The verdant pastoral surroundings combined with the quaint elegance of timber construction will soothe any soul. Feel free to kick back and bask in the glory of all the natural world has to offer. (The wife successfully lights the fire. The spokesman catches this out of the corner of his eye and looks at her, a little panicked.) Spokesman: (concerned) What the hell is this? (The wife turns to face him, unaware of what has him troubled) Wife: I thought that a nice, warm fire would be perfect for a romantic evening for my sweetie and I. Spokesman: (harsh/sarcastic) Oh, yeah, the threats of dying from smoke inhalation and burning to death are very romantic. Wife: (incredulous) What are you talking about? Spokesman: Take a look around. See the floor, see the walls; see what they're made of. (He points them out.) One errant spark and you're barbecue. Kind of a high price to pay just to get nasty. Put it out. Wife: (offended) I'll have you know that we're going to spend the night sitting and talking! And the fire will provide some ambience for the occasion Spokesman: (forceful) Yeah, well I've got news for you honey; if your husband gave a crap about "ambience", he would have married your nephew Kevin instead of you. Now put out the fire! Wife: (put off) Well then just what are we supposed to do for a romantic evening? Spokesman: (loud and demanding) Do what every normal couple does - watch some TV! (The wife recoils, put off by his rudeness, and gets a fire extinguisher near the fireplace. As she puts out the blaze, the spokesman turns to the camera and his expression changes, becoming calmer and more relaxed as he chuckles in embarassment.) Spokesman: And that brings up another fine point - Frontier homes are designed to provide all the comforts of modern living. That's right, you don't have to live like the Unabomber during your getaway. (He walks over to one of the walls and taps on the wood.) Though it may not look that way, you can watch television, wash clothes, even connect to the internet, all in the comfort of your relaxing timber home. That's because they're equipped with full electrical services. (a beat, and his eyes get a little wide) Yes... electrical wires are built right into the walls... (his eyes indicate he's becoming worried, but he has a fake smile on his face) wires that can spark and fray... running through wood.... (still trying to hide his growing fear, he slowly side-steps away from the wall, keeping his phony smile.) (the scene cuts to the kitchen of the house. The wife is standing before an oven, getting spices out of a cabinet. The Spokesman stands next to her, having calmed down from earlier.) Spokesman: So, if cold, sterile city life has left you sick of life, then a Frontier Home is the remedy for you. Perfectly blending calm, natural splendor and the conveniences of the twenty-first century, you'll Wife: (to the camera) I had no idea woodland life could be so invigorating. And I've found a new appreciation for all that I took for granted back in the city. (She points to the stove.) Cooking used to be so blah, but my meals have a more intense flavor thanks to this gas stove. (Upon hearing that it's a gas-powered oven, the Spokesman's eyes grow wide and he grabs the wife by her shirt, bringing her in so their faces nearly touch.) Spokesman: (loud and frantic) For the love of Christ, woman, are you trying to get us all killed?! Wife: (frightened) I don't... I don't understand... what did I do wrong? Spokesman: (still loud) Do you know how a gas oven works?! There is a flame under the floor that's heating the food! A live flame near a wooden floor! Are those precious baked potatoes of yours worth risking our lives?! Wife: (trying to stay calm) I... really... think that you're... overreacting. Spokesman: (frantic) Overreacting?! We're in a giant friggin' tinderbox, lady! Your vacation home is kindling waiting to happen! (the husband enters the kitchen and approaches the two, visibly shaken by something.) Husband: (nervous) I think that he's right, honey. We could be in danger. I was just checking the basement, and I saw how the home is heated. (he grows more worried) They put a wood-burning stoker down there. Wife: (now becoming afraid) Wood-burning? (she screams and starts to panic) We're going to fry in this deathtrap! Spokesman: (even more scared) We have to get out of here now! Husband: Wait! (The three become silent and stand still. They look around, as though trying to listen to something. A light pattering sound can be heard in the background.) Husband: Do you hear that? (They turn around and look at the kitchen window, and see streaks of water running down the glass.) It's raining. (his voice becomes jubilant) It's raining! (the three begin to smile and breathe sighs of relief) Spokesman: (happily) Oh thank God! Wife: We're saved! (suddenly, a bright flash of light streaks through the scene, and a loud clap of thunder is heard. The three stand completely still, with looks of absolute terror on their faces.) (cut to an external shot of the cabin in the forest as rain falls.) Announcer: Frontier Timber Homes. Providing families throughout America with relaxing, tranquil getaways. (a bolt of lightning strikes close to the cabin. The spokesman and married couple scream loudly.) Announcer: (very fast) Cabins not covered for fire-related damages. (fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
