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Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey .....Rachel Dratch Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. In a speech to naval officers, President Bush announced that he had a strategic plan for victory in Iraq, and that an outline of the plan was available on the White House's official website. So America, you can now relax with the comforting knowledge that we do have a strategy for winning, and that our military secrets are securely protected from all terrorists who don't have Internet access. A spokesman for President Bush is very concerned with stories of U.S. military paying Iraqi journalists and reporters to give favorable news for the war in Iraq in their local newspapers. He later went on to say warning soldiers that giving each journalist a chicken would be a lot cheaper on their wallets. Amy Poehler: At a press conference late this week, the White House attempted to launch a major push to convince the American public that the war in Iraq would and will end in victory and not just an exit. A spokesperson for the White House said, “We want Iraqi to be an entrance as much as an exit…like a part of the body I should stick my head up.” After receiving a summons to appear in a Crawford, Texas court for jury duty this past week, President Bush explained that he was "a little busy running the United States," providing the courts with its most creative excuse for getting out of jury duty yet. Tina Fey: Though New Orleans remains largely destroyed and abandoned in Hurricane Katrina's aftermath, city officials said on Tuesday that it will soon have universal wireless Internet service, which, according to Mayor Ray Nagin, is "especially important" to the recovery of the community. The new wi-fi service will allow citizens of New Orleans to access the Internet from the exact locations where their homes once stood. On Tuesday, Bayer HealthCare named model Jerry Hall ambassador for a campaign to encourage people to be more open about erectile dysfunction, though, miraculously, every man she spoke to was instantly cured of his affliction. Amy Poehler: Kenneth Boyd, a murderer in Alabama, became the 1000th person executed in the United States since the reinstatement of capital punishment in 1977. The event was a somber occasion marred by protests from opponents of the death penalty, but on an upbeat note, the balloons and confetti did fall on time to commemorate the occasion. This week saw the annual lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, officially kicking off the holiday season in New York City. The tree will remain lit until Christmas ends, where another yearly tradition will be undertaken - the New Year's delivery of higher electric bills. Tina Fey: Recent tapes made by Michael Jackson in 2003 were released this week in which Jackson made hateful comments against Jewish people, referring to them as "leeches," and claiming that he was the victim of a Jewish conspiracy to ruin his career. (sarcastic) Yeah, sure, Michael. Your downfall had nothing to do with your spending more than you could make to live like a child, or paying tens of millions in hush money to the families of children you abused and to overpriced lawyers to keep your synthetic ass out of prison. No, it's all the Jews' fault. Amy Poehler: So, now in addition to being an emotionally-stunted adult, a washed-up hack musician and a pedophile, now we can add anti-Semite to his profile. (She takes a sarcastic tone as well) Wow, what a fine, upstanding member of the community he must be. How his children must look up to him. (Tina turns to Amy) Tina Fey: Wow Amy, that was clever and snarky. Very nice work. Amy Poehler: (proud) Oh, well, thank you Tina. I've been putting some extra effort into my Update pieces and... (She is interrupted when Tina grabs her by her throat and brings Amy's face up to hers.) Tina Fey: (menacing) Don't try to upstage me again. Got it?! Amy Poehler: (raspy) Yes... yes ma'am. Tina Fey: Good. (Tina lets go of Amy's neck and returns to face the camera, a smile now on her face. Amy gasps to get more air and then turns to the camera herself, glancing nervously at Tina.) Amy Poehler: With deer hunters out all over the woods, a farmer in Clinton County, Pennsylvania has decided to paint his cows, horses and dog bright orange to make sure they aren't mistaken for deer. However, the animals were later accidentally juiced to death when they were mistaken for oranges. Tina Fey: The first successful face transplant was performed in France this week. Doctors were quite concerned that the procedure would not have worked or resulted in rejection and that they would have been seen as failures in the medical community, but thankfully they saved face. (a beat) Think about it for a minute, you'll get it. Amy Poehler: And now here with a brief commentary about her family tree is our good friend Rachel Dratch. Rachel Dratch: Thank you, Amy. Over the brief break this past month, I attended the wedding of my brother, Daniel, and Julie Ann Spacey, who is the sister of actor Kevin Spacey. This means my family tree has reached a branch known as “Spacey – Dratch”. Amy Poehler: Rachel, are you telling us that you have a “Spacey – Dratch”? Rachel Dratch: Yes, Amy. (Amy snickers) Tina Fey: Continue, Rachel. Rachel Dratch: This is not the first time a huge star like myself has become related to another huge star, like Kevin Spacey. Tina Fey: Really? Rachel Dratch: Yes. Relatives of Blondie singer Debbie Harry and actor Ashton Kutcher have become related. That creates a family tree relation of a “Harry – Kutcher”. Another, former football star Howie Long and former football player/coach Mike Ditka have become related thanks to a recent marriage, which creates a family tree relation of a “Long – Ditka”. Tina Fey: Rachel, any more dirty celebrity relations? Rachel Dratch: Yes, one more…my favorite: some odd relations have led to actors Vincent Pastore and Clint Eastwood being related through marriage. This creates “Pastore-Eastwood”, thou many people refer to it as “Dirty Harry-Big Pussy”. Tina Fey: Thank you, Rachel. Amy Poehler: Rachel Dratch, everyone! Tina Fey: Al Sharpton said Friday that he wants his own network sitcom. Commenting further, Sharpton said, “And any network that doesn’t offer me a sitcom deal is a racist!” 
On Thursday, the obelisk of Buenos Aires was covered with a giant condom, to mark World Aids Day. The next day it was renamed "The Milton Berle Memorial Obelisk". Amy Poehler: An Angolan woman imprisoned in Sao Paulo recently won the "Miss Penitentiary" competition, a beauty contest pitting women from ten Brazilian prisons against each other. The winner clinched her victory in the talent portion of the competition with her shiv-juggling act. The production company behind "Live 8", a series of global concerts designed to draw attention to the plight of poor countries in Africa, is suing Anna Nicole Smith for appearing at the event drunk and too scantily-clad, and thereby damaging the event's reputation. Yes, apparently, it was her appearance that scared all the black performers away. Damn you, Anna Nicole Smith. Damn you. Tina Fey: A display about the most influential female artists will be held at the Museum of Television & Radio, honoring work of women in media arts. Posters of Lucille Ball and Oprah Winfrey will be hung among the displays, and a poster of Sally Jesse Raphael will denote where the restrooms are. 
Two women have settled a lawsuit they brought against the president of the Gorilla Foundation, which claims that they were fired because they would not expose their breasts to Koko the Gorilla to satisfy Koko's, quote, "nipple fetish". Koko is probably best known for having the ability to communicate in sign language and for the successful "Girls Gone Ape" video series.
Amy Poehler: A poll this week shows that in a fight to the death, Donald Trump would kill Simon Cowell. And though you could bruise his ego beyond repair, Trump’s hair is bulletproof. Amy Poehler: It has finally been announced around the country that Emily the Cat is back home in the city of Milwaukee. This poses an interesting question: Who the hell is Emily the Cat, and why are we talking about her? Oprah appeared on "The Late Show with David Letterman" on Thursday, giving the show its largest audience in ten years. Stay tuned people, Monday there's going to be a dog who can juggle. It's gonna be awesome. Just a joke, we love you Dave, congrats! Tina Fey: Scientists have discovered that due to global warming, the Atlantic Gulf Stream has slowed by as much as 30% and that this could actually mean colder winters for countries such as England. Leading scientists are calling this phenomenon "Irony". A patch developed in order to deter Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, received a negative review from the Food & Drug Administration. The review went on to say that the patch induced ulcers, sweating, and lots of running around. Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
