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Skylar Stratus.....Dane Cook
[ Disclaimer printed: "The Cramped-Quarters Work-Out is not responsible for any injuries sustained during the work-out itself. The Cramped-Quarters Work-Out will also not be held responsible for any property damaged during the course of the work out. As with all exercise programs, consult your physician before working out. The Cramped-Quarters Work-Out also advises participants to consult their independent contractors before engaging in the Cramped-Quarters Work-out. If you feel any shortness of breath during the work-out, or, if you in any way damage the structural integrity of your work-out area, please stop immediately." ] VOICE OVER: Good morning all you studio apartment dwellers. it's time to wake up. and work-out. And now. here's your work-out instructor. Skyler Stratus. [ The lights on the set brighten up to a very small studio apartment where a reasonably fit man, SKYLER STRATUS, is in a tight, fluorescent, lycra body suit and is standing with his feet less than shoulder width apart and his arms raised up at his sides - even with the height of his shoulders. He is stretching from side to side in an incredibly small room. There's a glass coffee table directly in front of him with a large, heavy, metal statue of a body-builder standing on it. There are shelves filled with books and knick-knacks on one side of him; a fish tank with a goldfish swimming around in it, lamps, and chairs are on the other side of him. Directly behind him is a couch, with sheets dangling out from underneath the cushions (i.e. a hide-a-bed.) ] SKYLER: Good morning. How is everyone out there. My pet fish, Moby Dick, and I got a great show planned for you today. Today, we're going to work on our legs. with some attention to our hip flexors. But before we get started, we need to warm up with a little stretch. Go ahead and stand like I am. with your feet about shoulder width apart. [ SKYLER looks down and see that his feet are less than shoulder width apart. ] SKYLER: Whoops. let me move my feet out a little more. [ As SKYLER moves his foot out more, he bumps a lamp and it tips dangerously close to falling completely over. The lamp instead sways back and forth. ] SKYLER: Hey - hey, how about that, just stretch and move with the lamp. Back and forth, back and - [ As SKYLER stretches back and forth, he bumps one of the bookends on the shelf. The bookend falls off, and books topple to the floor. SKYLER's concentration of staring directly into the camera and smiling is broken. ] SKYLER: (starting to swear) Shii.. (remembering he's on camera and catching himself) She-wizz it's nice to stretch out like this. (glancing down at the fallen books) Yes, stretch, stretch. (glancing down at fallen books again) Okay. let's put some bends in this. (glancing down at the fallen books again) What we're going to do is touch our left toe. (glancing again) With our right hand, and it's going to look like this. [ SKYLER, keeping his rhythm, reaches down and picks up one of the books that have fallen to the floor. As he straightens himself, he puts the book on the shelf it fell from. ] SKYLER: Yeah. Perfect. Just like that. You're doing good. Now the other side. And now back to the left side. [ Every time SKYLER bends to touch his left toe with his right hand, he picks up a book and puts it back on the shelf. ] SKYLER: You at home keep going. You're doing good. (glancing down at the remaining four books on the floor) Let's do about four more. (bending and picking up one of the books) Three more. (swaying to the other side) Stretch it out. (swaying back and bending to pick up another book) Two more. [ As SKYLER sways and stretches to the other side, his hand bumps the fish tank and the book he is holding falls into the water. SKYLER grits his teeth in frustration but tries to play it off by continuing to look into the camera. His smile is now noticeably forced. ] SKYLER: Hey. How about that. Moby Dick now gets a chance to actually read "Moby Dick". (glancing at book sinking into the tank's water) And I'm sure he'll like it, as that specific copy was an antique edition. [ SKYLER continues to sway back and forth, grimacing into the camera and shooting quick glances at the book disintegrating in the fish tank. ] SKYLER: Okay, well. (glancing at book in fish tank). If you at home are.. (glancing at book in fish tank) are starting to sweat now.. (glancing at book in fish tank) and I know I am, it's probably because you're pushing yourself too hard. (glancing at book in fish tank) And you might want to think about that. Let's, uh. [ SKYLER jumps over to the fish tank and violently shoves his hand into it, grabbing the book and pulling it out. Water splashes everywhere. He throws the book onto the couch behind him. ] SKYLER: (sounding relieved) Okay. Okay. Let's hold our hands out in front of us like this (holding his hands out in front of him in a "Frankenstein" pose) and bring out knees up to our hands like this. High step. High step. Left leg. Right. That's right. Keep going. You're doing good. [ Water is dripping off SKYLER's hands and onto the glass coffee table in front of him. ] SKYLER: (noticing the dripping) Okay, let's change this up so we don't get too many water marks on the expensive, crystal glass. Let's put our hands on our waists, and just bring your leg straight forward. A nice front leg lift. [ SKYLER lifts his leg and bumps the coffee table. The table is jarred enough for the statue to fall forward onto the glass top and shatter it. ] SKYLER: (horrified) Oh my God. Oh. Oh, that's expensive. But certainly not as expensive as spending money for a health club. (glancing at destroyed coffee table) Where there'd be lots of room. (glancing at destroyed coffee table) Room to move around. (glancing at destroyed coffee table) Just keep kicking, people at home, just keep - [ SKYLER accidentally steps too close to the jagged edge of the broken coffee table and cuts his leg. ] SKYLER: Ouch! Damn it, that hurt. (remembering he's on camera) But, uh, no pain, no gain, right folks? Okay, just keep kicking, working those legs. [ SKYLER hops over to lean against one of the bookshelves to get a better look at his heavily bleeding leg. ] SKYLER: (under his breath) Oh yeah, that's gonna need some stitches. [ SKYLER leans onto one of the shelves. which snaps off the wall, sending books and knick-knacks flying. SKYLER, in an attempt to regain his balance, begins hopping backwards and trips over the empty frame of the broken coffee table. This sends him falling backwards and knocking over the fish tank. There is a loud crash of glass with the sound of splashing water. The lights on the set go dark but the sound of SKYLER cussing and screaming in pain can be heard. SKYLER's cussing and swearing fade out to the show's voice-over. ] VOICE OVER: Keep stretching for a full five to ten minutes. If you are experiencing any pain or fall-out, please consult a physician or your private contractor. This has been Skyler Stratus' work out. we'll see you tomorrow morning at this same time. [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
