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Teacher.....Alec Baldwin Dave.....Finesse Mitchell Lady.....Amy Poehler Dan.....Andy Samberg Guy.....Jason Sudeikis Guy2.....Will Forte [Scene: Carpentry students stand around, on some job site, waiting for their teacher to address them. The teacher and his assistant approach.] Teacher: Hello everyone, and welcome to Carpentry 101. [Students respond with a mix of weak greetings.] Teacher: This is my assistant Dave, and I'll be your professor de l'art en bois, my name is Mr. Latbot. Alright, let's have a look at what I've got to work with here. [Teacher walks in front of the class and inspects them as a general might inspect his/her troops. He stops in front of Lady.] Teacher: Excuse me...but...you're a woman. Lady: Yeah, so... Teacher: Well...this is a carpentry class. There will be all sorts of sawing and lifting and hammering...and sometimes, sometimes there will be foul language. Lady: Hey jerk, I can hammer and saw and lift as well as any of these pansies. [Woman points at the rest of the class who is male. Alec steps back and stands stiffly next to Dave.] Lady: And while I'm a bit put off by the idea of foul language, I'm sure I'll be able to handle it because I am a strong proud woman, equal to or better than, any man! [Alec and Dave move their heads around, up and down, side to side, as though they are looking around during the next exchange. They believe no one will be able to hear them if they talk in this manner.] Teacher: (to Dave) Oh no, I think she might be PMSing. Dave: What do we do? Teacher: I don't know. I have no exit strategy. I repeat, I have no exit strategy. Lady: What are you guys doing? Teacher: Oh no. Okay, I'm going to try and go on with the class. If she attacks, save yourself. If I don't make it, you have permission to marry my wife. Dave: Got it. [Dave makes a 'Yes, sweet' elbow gesture and the two go about talking normally.] Teacher: (to class) Alright, I guess I should tell you a bit about myself. I'm a teacher first, a carpenter second, though I was a carpenter for twenty years before I became a teacher. I taught high school Algebra (prounces it Al-GUH-bra) until... [someone in the class is laughing.] Teacher: As I was saying...I taught high school level Algebra (al-guh-bra)... [Laughter becomes too loud to ignore.] Teacher: Who is...Dan? Dan Peterson? Is that you? Why, you were in my Algebra (al-guh-bra) class. Dan: Yes...(laughs)...sir... Teacher: (going along with it) Ha ha, what's so funny my boy? Share it with your old Algebra (al-guh-bra) teacher... Dan: (laughing hysterically, to self) C'mon Dan, get it together... Teacher: Are you alright...I....wait, why are the rest of you giggling? Lady: Well, Mr. Lardbutt. Teacher: That's Latbot. Lady: Right. It just sounds funny when you say Algebra (al-guh-bra) instead of Algebra. Just a bit of juvenile fun at your expense. Teacher: What? I've never heard it pronounced any different in all my years of teaching Algebra (al-guh-bra). Lady: It's called Algebra, that's the way EVERYBODY pronounces it. Alec: Dan, come here. Is this true? Dan: Yes sir. Alec: Why didn't anyone tell me? I taught Algebra (al-guh-bra) for twelve years. Twelve years! I taught your older brother too. Did he know about this? Dan: Yes, he told me about it years before I got into your class. Oh man, everyone knew...(bursts out laughing) I'm sorry...it's just so... [Dan is laughing so hard he can't finish his sentence.] Teacher: I see. [Teacher begins beating the heck out of Dan.] Teacher: Why. Didn't. You. Tell. Me. You. Little. Jerk. [Teacher releases Dan who falls to the ground.] Teacher: Heart of Gold, Fist of Iron. That's my teaching method. (As Dan stumbles to his feet and takes his place in class) Hurt me, more than it hurt you my boy. [Teacher and Dave do their looking around, pretending not to be talking, movements.] Teacher: (to Dave) Seriously, I accidentally tucked my thumb into my fist when I punched him. I think my thumb might be broken. Dave: (to Teacher) What do we do? Teacher: First Aid Kit. Morphine injection. Double dose. Must not look weak in front of the troops. [They stop talking like that and Dave exits.] Teacher: (to class) Now, the most important thing to learn is safety. We'll be working 'on-site' today, and you'll all be needing hard hats. (grabs bag of hard hats from off screen) Here you go...alright, pass them around. Okay, there we have it. Guy: Uh, I didn't get one. Teacher: Oh, well that was all we had. Uh...I guess you'll just have to share with someone. (points at Guy 2) You...you share your hard hat with him. Guy 2: What? Share? How is that gonna work? Teacher: C'mon! You should have learned about sharing in Kindergarten. I'm not reviewing it here. Okay, now let's see what kind of hammering skills you have. I have to warn you though, I will not go easy on you. Over the course of my life I have learned the fine art de l'critique from such masters as Simon Cowell, Janice Dickinson and that chick from 'The Weakest Link'. (making a punching motion) Heart of gold, fist of iron! Lady: Those are all pretty recent television personalities...and 'The Weakest Link' only lasted like a year. You 'learned' from them over the course of your life? Teacher: Looks like we have a volunteer. [Lady shrugs, takes hammer from Teacher.] Teacher: (to silence class) Stop. It's hammer time. (to Lady) You may proceed. [Nail and board is now below screen. Lady pounds nail in with two swift strikes.] Teacher: (shocked) Uh...ha ha. (weakly) You call that hammering? I mean, c'mon. Let me show you how it's done. Stand back. (to class) Stop. It's hammer time. First we hold the nail thusly. Then with a fluid movement we bring back the arm and then swing it down with a smooth strike. [Teacher looks down at unseen nail and board. Shot backs up to reveal hammer is directly on his thumb.] Teacher: Alright. This is an opportunity to teach you all a little something. Now I've just struck my thumb nail. And as it happens, it hit the thumb that was pre-broken. I'm in an excruciating amount of pain. What am I not doing? Guy: Getting proper medical attention? Teacher: No, anyone else? Guy 2: Heart of gold, iron fist? Teacher: I see you're not a listener. (Guy takes hard hat from Guy 2's head, they fight over it) Alright, I'll tell you guys. I'm not crying. This is the single hardest thing you'll have to do as a carpenter. You'll hit your nail...and you'll feel the throbbing, throbbing pain....but you won't cry...cuz dammit...carpenters don't cry. [Teacher does the looking around talking thing.] Teacher: Don't break down. Don't do it. Work through it. You're on the beach lounging in the sun. [Stops doing the talking thing.] Teacher: (unable to pick nail up) They just pick that nail back up and they keep going...I... [Teacher does the looking around talking thing.] Teacher: Dammit Dave, where's that morphine?!?!? [Teacher runs off screen.] Lady: So, what do we do now? Dan: I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to Bawitdaba. Lady: Huh? [Dan starts to sing and kinda move a bit while singing Kid Rock's 'Bawitdaba'.] Dan: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy. Come on you guys. (Everyone is staring at him.) Heh heh (mockingly) Alguhbra. Ha ha ha...just a bit of juvenile fun, c'mon. [The rest of the class begins beating up on Dan.] [Fade Out to 'Bawitdaba' by Kiiiid Rock.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
