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Announcer (voice)...Chris Parnell Daria...Amy Poehler Sheldon Uxbridge...Alec Baldwin Rory...Chris Parnell Jeffrey...Bill Hader Apprehender...Jason Sudeikis Apprehender...Andy Samberg (credits of Stargate SG1 and Sci-Fi channel credits roll) Announcer (voice): We now end our shameless three-day marathon of “Stargate SG1” to show an short-lived series from 1973. Tune in next to “Fallbrook Manor.” (creepy opening shows title of show with just a picture of mansion, and rolling the cast that is in particular episode, cast all have British accents) (setting takes place in an observatory) Daria: Mr. Uxbridge, it is truly an honor to be your maid in this lavish tudor mansion. Sheldon Uxbridge: Please, call me Mr. Sheldon Uxbridge. And maid seems like such a terrible word for it. We should call your occupation, caretaker. Daria: That sounds just marvelous. Oh, and this must be your observatory. Sheldon Uxbridge: I thought I would leave it for last, since it is my most prized room in the entire house. Daria: Well! Sheldon Uxbridge: This is where I keep all of my treasures, if you will. Yes, everything passed down from generation to generation of Uxbridges lies in this very same room. Daria: How intriguing! Sheldon Uxbridge: Indeed. Over here, this is the very same compass that my great-great grandfather used to get through the Rocky Mountains on his curious trip. And right here, we have a beautiful marble table that my great uncle used to take a bullet out of his fellow soldier in World War II. Daria: Interesting. Sheldon Uxbridge: And up on the top of that cabinet, is a truly remarkable gift. It is the oldest living artifact in this house, coming from 1581. It is an Egyptian mask that one of my descendants stole from a hut. It’s breathtaking, isn’t it? (close-up of mask, which is black with demonic eyeholes and devilish grin) Daria: It looks rather scary. Sheldon Uxbridge: (laughing) Don’t be silly. It’s just a mask. (“It’s just a mask” echoes through the mind of Daria) Daria: Of course. Of course. Sheldon Uxbridge: Oh, I’ll be right back. Daria: Okay. (Daria looks back up at the mask and sees it sort of wink at her; and that thinks that she didn’t see it by walking away shaking her head and laughing) (next scene takes place at a party in the observatory with many guests, where all of the action in sketch takes place; all men have British accents) Rory: This is an absolutely splendid party. You should have them more often. Sheldon Uxbridge: I believe I will in the very near future, thank you very much, Rory. Since I have a new caretaker, everything in the house will be clean and crisp and never in the rough. Daria: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (Daria’s screams come from seeing a stain on the carpet) Sheldon Uxbridge: Good lord, Daria! What the devil is wrong with you? Daria: (blabbering) It...it...it’s.... Sheldon Uxbridge: It’s what? Spit it out, girl. What is this stain? (takes a whiff) Oh God! Jeffrey: It’s pee-pee, dear Sheldon. The poor girl made a mess of herself and wet her undies. Sheldon Uxbridge: Enough, Jeffrey. Daria, how could you do this? Daria: It wasn’t me. It was..... Sheldon Uxbridge: It was what? Daria: It was.... Sheldon Uxbridge: What, the invisible urinator? (friends laugh ridiculously like British people would do, with teeth sticking out) Daria: No, it was the mask. Sheldon Uxbridge: The what? Rory: She can’t mean that mask up on that hutch, could she? Jeffrey: Quite mad, I suppose. You hired a wonderful lady, dear Sheldon. (all guests leave) Sheldon Uxbridge: You mean to tell me that you think that mask had something to do with the wee-wee on the floor here. Daria: I do. I saw it. Sheldon Uxbridge: First of all, I don’t see how a mask could urinate? I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. Clean this up. And never embarrass me in front of my friends again!!!!!! You hear me!!!!!! Daria: Yes, sir. (Uxbridge leaves in a huff; as he does, Daria looks up at mask, which is different now with the eyeholes looking up like satisfied with taking a piss, and a smile across his face) (next scene takes place with Uxbridge sitting at desk, hears Daria scream from behind him) Sheldon Uxbridge: Good lord!!!!! Daria, what is it? (Uxbridge gets up and goes to where Daria screamed and sees a bloody dead cat on the ground) Daria: I saw it kill the cat! I saw it! Sheldon Uxbridge: Control yourself, woman. Who killed the cat? Daria: The mask, I saw it. Sheldon Uxbridge: The mask????!!!!! Good God, woman. A mask is a mask. I can see if it were some sort of crash test dummy that you thought would.....that’s beside the point. There is no way a mask could do anything, including slicing a cat’s belly wide open. Daria: That mask is pure evil. It cut into that cat, I’m telling you. Sheldon Uxbridge: I’m losing patience with you, Daria! I’m not going to say it again. That is a mask. Daria: Perhaps, it’s cursed. Sheldon Uxbridge: I said enough. Foolish girl. I’m going to the billiard hall downtown. Clean up the dead carcass of this strange cat that I’ve never seen before and make my bed. And, I’m not even going to bother looking up at my ancient mask because there is absolutely, positively no reason to. (Uxbridge leaves angrily, slamming the door; Daria looks up and sees mask holding a knife in the mouthpiece) Announcer (voice): This concludes the first episode of “Fallbrook Manor.” Didn’t like it, huh? Well, we’re going to keep showing it anyway, because Sci-Fi Channel, as well as many other basic cable stations, are here to give you what you don’t want, in ample amounts. Here’s a scene from next week’s episode..... (scene shows apprehenders about to take Daria away and talking with Uxbridge) Sheldon Uxbridge: Well, my dear Daria, I was hoping it would not come down to this, but I have no other recourse. Daria: But, it wasn’t me. It was that mask. That damned mask!!!! Sheldon Uxbridge: Watch your tone, young lady! And please quit blaming my dear, dear mask up there all the way on that armoire. Staying at this drug rehabilitation clinic will do you wonders, get you off your blasted habit, and have you come back working for me in no time. Daria: But, I didn’t do it!!!!!!! Sheldon Uxbridge: Denial is one of many symptoms to cocaine addiction. Take her away, guys. (apprehenders take her away; leaving him by himself) Seems tragic in a way. I should probably just hire another caretaker for my house, but where would the fun in that be? She is a strange girl, but a fantastic cleaner! And her obsession with that mask, I will never get. (Uxbridge leaves with hands in his pockets) (camera pans to mask with white cocaine around the nose feature, with red circles around the eyeholes of the mask) (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
