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Louis... Jason Sudeikis Genie... Alec Baldwin Spokesman... Seth Meyer (Open to a living room setting. Louis is sitting on his brown couch. A coffee table sits in front him. There is a side table on his left with a phone. The hallway on his right is barely lit) Louis: (On the phone) Hey dad, yeah my Birthday is going good. What... I uh went out for dinner ok! With some people from work! No... I did not take pictures of them, I have nothing to prove to you! NOTHING OKAY! NOTHING! (Talks calmly) Oh hi mom! Yeah I got the present. Thanks mom and dad. Bye! (Gruffly hangs up the phone. Camera zooms into the coffee table, a red and green gift-wrapped present lies there) Louis: Holiday wrapping for a birthday present? That’s what happens when you got a December birthday! (Louis unwraps the present. It’s a white box with a picture of an electrical fan on it) Louis: Wow an electrical fan... who needs a DVD player when they could have an electrical fan especially in the Winter! (Suddenly a microwave ding goes off) Louis: Ooh, dinner’s ready! Going out with friends my ass! (Louis comes back with the tv dinner. He can’t set his tv dinner down on the coffee table because of the box.) Louis: Hmm... maybe I should set up the fan first. (Louis puts his tv dinner on the floor underneath the coffee table. He opens the box and starts grabbing pieces of the fan. He grabs 2 pieces and an index card) Louis: These are the instructions? I’ll just set this up, I’ve got a socket right beside the couch. How long will it take? (Camera fades out. SUPER: 58 minutes later. Fade in to see Louis red in the face, the coffee table is destroyed, his dinner has spilled onto the floor. The fan is actually attached together) Louis: Damn FAN! Took so much work, no dinner, I’m hot and it’s December! December in Indiana should not be hot! I’ll just plug this thing in. (Louis grabs the plug and stuffs it into the socket. A Loud boom goes off, the lights go on and off smoke is everywhere) Louis: What happened? Genie: WHO DARES KEEP ME FROM MY LEWDLY CONCOCTED DREAMS? (Genie walks over to Louis’s couch. He is wearing gold parachute pants and a purple vest. The genie has the typical goatee and fez) Louis: What the hell are you? Genie: Hold on... where am I? No more grinding prisons or gigantic blades. Sweet Bounty! (Shakes Louis’s hand) I am Lancaster, Genie of the Fan! Louis: So you genie guys actually exist... I had no idea! Genie: You had no idea, well maybe you should get an idea and a life! Louis: Excuse me? Genie: Isn’t it Saturday night or something? Why are you home alone? (picks up the tv dinner) Eating a tv dinner made by Tyson! Louis: Aren’t you guys supposed to be imprisoned in a lamp? Genie: Well obviously I’m not in a lamp, so does that mean I suck? Does not being released from a lamp make me any less of a genie? Louis: Well no... it’s just, I assumed that- Genie: Oh please just close that hole in your face! Do you know where the corner of State and Main is? Louis: Wait... did you just call my mouth a hole? Genie: Is it not an orifice on your body? Louis: (confused look) Orifice? Genie: What is your problem, I’m trying to get things done and you’re just slowing me down! Do you corrupt the lives of everyone you meet? Louis: (confused) Are you not supposed to grant me three wishes? I mean you are a Genie. Genie: (smug) Well, someone thinks they’re a genius. You want a Nobel Prize Mr. Intellectual! You get 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is for my freedom! Louis: Hold on, you’ve been a jerk the minute you’ve been released and you expect me to free you as my final wish? Genie: Yes I do (A beat) a few smart-ass comments are nothing! I’ve been a genie for five thousand years. I’ve earned my right to be a prick! What have you done? Louis: I set up Computer start up systems in small corporate offices- Genie: What the hell are you doing... I’m trying to grant wishes and you’re talking about your job! Now who’s the jerk-off? Louis: What! I was just saying- OH NEVER MIND! I’ve always wanted to be loved. I’ve wanted to be loved in ways that no man has experienced... (Genie punches Louis onto the floor) Louis: OWW... what the hell was that for? Genie: I don’t grant wishes for animal loving perverts! Louis: Maybe I phrased that wrong. Can I just have a Lambourgini? Genie: Ok! (Punches Louis again) Louis: What the hell ARGH(charges at Genie, who merely flings him aside onto the floor) Genie: That’s how I grant wishes, I punch the Purple Rain out of my master and the wish is granted. Your wish is my command! (Lights flash and a giant clam(a fake prop) drops from overhead onto the couch) Louis: This isn’t a Lambourgini, this is a giant glam! Genie: This is an untamable clam called a Lambourgini! You’d know that if you went to a real college instead of Calvin Community College! (The genie pushes Louis onto the clam) Louis: (gulps) Untamable... get rid of it! Now! Genie: I can, but you realize that’s your second wish! Louis: This should be my first wish, I wanted a car not a clam. Genie: It’s not my fault that you don’t know anything. I’ve been imprisoned for 3000 years I don’t even know what a car is! Louis: You don’t know what a car is, but you know about me going to the Community College! And I thought you were imprisoned for 5000 years. I’m gonna get you! (Louis tries to move towards the Genie, but he’s stuck to the clam) Louis: Help me! Noooo! Genie: I’ll get rid of the clam, but then your final wish is for my freedom from the fan! Louis: Aaah!!! OKAY-OKAY! (The genie punches the struggling Louis. The lights flashes on and off. The clam is gone Louis is on the ground next to a ripped couch, a broken coffee table and destroyed fan) Genie: The fan is destroyed which means your final wish was granted and I am free! Louis: Well give yourself a damn parade because I’m didn’t get anything out of this. You’re free to do what ever you want, but I have nothing. Don’t I deserve something? Genie: Well I can’t grant wishes, but I can do this! (Genie begins punching Louis brutally) Louis: OW! You’ve been nothing but trouble. This has been a horrible birthday! (Spokesman enters the scene. Both guys drop character and exit the scene) Spokesman: This was a tragic moment. Who’s to blame here... the Republican Party, Affirmative Action, or the sadistic world of underground lobster fights? How about blaming faulty electric fans. It may still be winter in the Midwest, but we here at Gunther Family Air Conditioner Carnival believe that now is the perfect time to be thinking about getting a new Air Condition System. We may have been stupid enough to stay in Indiana instead of moving to Orlando where it’s summer year around, but nothing’s more stupid than having an asshole genie released from your electric fan. (Genie out of character walks into the shot holding a cigarette.) Genie: I’m getting full benefits for this crap-ass commercial right? I have a porno to shoot in 15 minutes... and I need the genie costume for it! Spokesman: Somebody get Doug off the set! (Looks at the camera) Hey kids, tell your parents to buy a Crane Platinum system this week and we’ll throw in a plush toy of Gunther Family’s popular mascot... Lancaster the genie. (Cut to still shot of a plush toy similar looking to Lancaster) It’s Lancaster the genie, the toy is available now and forever until some focus group takes it off the shelves for being an immoral portrayal of Arabic people! (Cut to the spokesman by the exterior of the building) We’re Gunther Family Air Conditioner Carnival and we believe that ice cold air should be a god-given right! So call today and free yourself from the futility of cheap artificial unsubsidation of privacy! (Looks offstage) Wow, that sentence was more disturbing than this whole commercial. (Spokesman walks off the set shaking his head as the scene fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
