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Andrew.....Andy Samberg Mr. Baxter.....Alec Baldwin Katie.....Kristen Wiig Deborah.....Rachel Dratch [ EXT. Chelsea Pharmacy ] [ Fade INT. We see Andrew the cashier helping a line of customers. ] Andrew: And here's your change, sir. Thanks for stopping by. [ Customer leaves. Mr. Baxter, an old man with a cane, approaches the counter. ] Andrew: Hello, how may I help you? Mr. Baxter: I'm dying. Andrew: Oh my God! Let me call an ambulance for you! Mr. Baxter: No, no, it's terminal, they won't be able to do anything. Andrew: Oh. Well you want me to call your family or...? Mr. Baxter: Forget all that. Look, can you help me out with something? Andrew: Sure, what is it? Mr. Baxter: I'd like one crazy lay before I crossover. Andrew: Excuse me? Mr. Baxter: You know, a crazy lay. A real wild one. [ nudges Andrew's arm. ] Andrew: Yeah, I do know but I don't think I can help you with that. Mr. Baxter: Why not? Andrew: Well, first of all I don't swing that way. Mr. Baxter: No, you fool, I want someone of the female persuasion. Andrew: Oh. Well, I'm not a pimp either. Mr. Baxter: No need to worry, I'll just leave you and the lady something in my will. The cops will never know. Andrew: Still...besides why do you want a crazy one, anyway? They're only trouble. Mr. Baxter: Sonny, I'll be dead tomorrow, I'm not really worried about trouble. Besides no respectable lady would be into such a proposal so that leaves me with crazy or ugly and a crazy chick is better than an ugly one. Andrew: I don't know, you can't put a bag over crazy. I mean, beauty's just a lightswitch away. Mr. Baxter: Yes, but fat glows in the dark. Andrew: You certainly have a point. Well, I guess I could call the female employees who work here, see what they say. [ walks to the break room, opens the door ] Deborah, Katie, can you come out here for a minute? [ Deborah and Katie enter. Mr. Baxter straightens up at the sight of them. ] Katie: You called? Andrew: Um, how would you guys like to go out on a date with Mr..? Mr. Baxter: Baxter, Mr. Baxter. Deborah: No offense, but aren't you kind of old for us. Andrew: Old? Pah, Mr. Baxter here is a spry... Mr. Baxter: 76. Andrew: A spry 76. Wow. Mr. Baxter: I may be beyond your years young miss but I still have a rocket for your pocket. Andrew: So what do you say Debbie? Deborah: Um... Katie: She can't. Deborah: I can't? Katie: Don't you have your children's theater show tomorrow morning? Deborah: Oh that's right. It's going to be early. Damn, I really don't want to go. Katie: Why not? Deborah: They're preschoolers and they don't know their asses from their elbows. Andrew: That could make for a VERY interesting game of arm wrestling. Mr. Baxter: Not to fret young miss, you'll have a good night's rest for tomorrow morning's engagement. Our entanglement won't take long. Deborah: I'm sorry but I'm really not interested. Mr. Baxter: How about you? Katie: I'm sorry but you're not my type. Mr. Baxter: Not you're type? Andrew: Oh that's right, Katie only dates black guys. Mr. Baxter: Oh? Katie: I want to have mixed children. In today's society race should not longer be an issue. Ethnicity won't matter if we're all blended as one. Andrew: [ To Mr. Baxter ] She's a causehead. [ Mr. Baxter nods. ] Deborah: About that Katie, will you be mad when I give them Oreos then laugh when they eat them? Katie: I can't believe you Debbie! Deborah: Sorry! Just a question, geez. [ Mr. Baxter clears his throat, the girls stop arguing. ] Mr. Baxter: Sorry to interrupt but I am dying here. Katie: Who is this guy anyway, Andrew? Andrew: I don't know. Katie: You don't know? Andrew: He said he was dying and wanted one last crazy lay before he went. Katie: So you thought you pimp us?!? Andrew: Not pimp, just hook him up. Come on, it's his dying wish and Deb's always dating older guys. Deborah: Thirty old, not 76 old. Katie: Besides, you're dying? Shouldn't you be in a hospital or something? Mr. Baxter: It's terminal. Katie: Terminal what? Mr. Baxter: Cancer. I was diagnosed last month. Deborah: Well you can live more than a month with chemo and stuff. Mr. Baxter: Not for me. Why would I want to take a cure worse than the disease? Katie: See I don't get that. Andrew: Get what? Katie: How people can just give up and die like that. Andrew: Well, Jesus did it... Deborah: Hmm...What Would Jesus Do? Yeah, you're right. Okay, well come on then. [ A large grin spreads over Mr. Baxter's face. ] Katie: Deb! Deborah: What? He's kinda cute. Katie: I cannot believe you're going to do this! Andrew: Here, take a pack of "Rhea" condoms on the house. [ hands Mr. Baxter a pack of "Rhea" condoms. ] Deborah: Rhea! That can't be good. All bad things end in rhea: diarrhea, gonorrhea, syphillis...no, wait... Mr. Baxter: Don't worry miss, I have come equipped with sufficient protection. Katie: Why don't you talk properly? Mr. Baxter: I talk with class. Anyways, time is of the essence so let's be on our way...? Deborah: Deborah. Mr. Baxter: Deborah. Katie: He doesn't even know your name Deb! [ Katie marches back to the break room exasperated mumbling, "What a whore." Mr. Baxter and Deborah stand arm in arm. ] Andrew: Well, one crazy lay before you die, will that be all? Mr. Baxter: That and gum. [ Andrew grabs a pack of gum and puts it on the counter. ] Andrew: Here you go and that'll be $1.99. Have a nice day. Mr. Baxter: Oh I will. [ Smiles as he hands Andrew the money and pockets the gum. ] [ Mr. Baxter and Deborah walk out arm in arm. ] Andrew: Next. [ Another customer approaches the counter as the camera pans out and the scene ends. ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
