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Jacoby.....Alec Baldwin Steve.....Bill Hader Drake.....Will Forte Woman.....Kristin Wiig [ open on exterior, public library, night ] [ dissolve to entrance doors, sign reads "New Expanded Hours" ] [ dissolve to interior, public library, close-up focus on standing wall clock reading 2:30 ] [ zoom out to reveal the scene is set in the public library's Reference Department, Head Librarian Jacoby and Night Associate Steven sitting idly at the desk. Jacoby peruses an issue of Library Quarterly, while Steven leans against the desk with his hand holding his chin as he yawns more intensely than the average person does at 2:30 in the morning. There appears to be no one else in the library, except for typing noises just off the screen. ] Steven: How long are we going to sit here? Jacoby: [ doesn't avert his gaze ] The morning shift doesn't arrive until seven. Steven: And when do the patrons arrive? Jacoby: [ gently puts down his magazine and closes his eyes ] I'll close my eyes and pretend I didn't hear that. Steven: Well, if you want to do your Helen Keller impression, that's fine by me. Jacoby: [ reopens his eyes ] Listen, Steven. Our library didn't switch to a 24-hour schedule on a whim. We've enacted this change due to public demand, following months of intense research. Put simply, our patrons want access to our library catalogues on a 24-hour-a-day basis. Now, does that meet with your approval? Steven: [ shakes his head ] Have you not noticed that, except for us, the library is empty? Jacoby: [ acknowledges a man typing on a computer just off to their side ] Have you forgotten about Drake, who's busy on the computers tonight? Drake: [ looks up, smiles ] Jacoby! Jacoby: [ points his fingers at Drake like six-shooters ] Dra-ake! Steven: [ sighs ] First of all, Drake is a former disgruntled employee; and, second of all, he's downloading porn. Jacoby: True, that kind of behavior would never be allowed in daylight hours, but I made a special arrangement with Drake. He can download all the porn his little heart desires, but he has to put it away any time there's other patrons in the building. Steven: But we don't get any patrons after nine P.M. except for Drake. He's downloaded so much porn by now, that he can start his own magazine with 20 years' worth of back issues on hand. Jacoby: I don't see the big deal, myself. To each his own, I suppose. Me, I get my jollies elsewhere. Right now, I have my eye on a vintage first-edition hardcover of Robert Louis Stevenson's "Treasure Island", which has started at a respectable bid on eBay. Oh, how I stay awake nights thinking about it, longing to hold it in my hands and caress it gently. If mine is the winning bid, I daresay I don't know how I shall ever contain my joy. Steven: And if you lose? Jacoby: I shudder to think of such a peverse possibility. I suppose I'll weep openly, my tears of shame glistening upon my cheeks. [ Steven looks at his watch and sighs heavily ] Jacoby: It's kind of slow right now. Would you like to take your break? Steven: Break from what? Jacoby: It may be slow now, but people will be waking up soon and that morning rush will fall upon us. If you're so inclined, I'll allow you to slip off to the pub on the corner for a quick splash. Steven: This is bogus, keeping a library open in the middle of the night when no one has need of our services. Where's the tough reference questions? Where's the phone calls requesting assistance? Jacoby: Well, statistics show that 90% of our telecommunication queries were from patrons asking what time we close. Now that we've ceased closing hours, telephone activity is down 90%. Steven: And that doesn't concern our director? Jacoby: Actually, it doesn't. Quite frankly, we like to keep this edifice as silent as possible, otherwise we cannot complete our tasks with the constant ringing of those telephone devices throughout the day. Steven: Isn't it our goal to keep busy during the day? Jacoby: You don't think we're busy now? I've just spent the past fifteen minutes trying to comprehend a single paragraph within this periodical. You know why? Because you keep talking. And trying to keep myself from smacking you across the skull is the hardest work I've ever endured. Steven: Fine. I'll go get a drink. [ a Woman stumbles toward the Reference Desk ] Jacoby: Good middle of the night, Ma'am. how may I assist you? Woman: [ slurring her words ] Assist me? What is this, a sexual proposition? [ laughs at her own joke ] I'm so wasted. Can you give me change for a dollar so I can call a cab? Jacoby: I'm sorry. Actually, we lock up the cash box each night at nine, because statistics show that we're not likely to handle many transactions overnight and it's not worth the calculated risk of a robbery. But you're welcome to use our telecommunication port right here. Just dial 9 to get an exterior line. Woman: Are you a poet? Jacoby: Well, I did win the county-wide poetry contest last year, with a little piece of prose entitled "From Aft, Her Wandering Eyes." Thank you. [ bows humbly ] Woman: [ claps drunkenly ] Beautiful! Beautiful! Oh God, I'm going to throw up! Jacoby: The women's lavatory is around that corner. [ she runs frantically towards it ] Jacoby: [ to Steven ] Did you observe that? If we were closed, this woman could have met tragedy upon the streets. Tonight we were heroes. Steven: Oh, yeah. A big night for Library Services. Jacoby: Well, at least it interrupted the monotony you so detest. Steven: But still four hours left in the night's shift. Why does time tick so slowly? Jacoby: Why do bees make honey? There's just some answers even a well-trained reference librarian simply cannot answer. Steven: [ sits, glumly ] I'll tell you, Jacoby, sometimes I think life is so quiet and dull in this library, that one could pull off a stunt so outrageous that no one would ever notice. Even the police don't come in to check on us. Jacoby: What are you driving at, Steven? Steven: Oh, I'm talking hypothetically, of course. I mean, think about it. The two of us are alone here for ten hours every night, with nothing going on. No witnesses, except for Drake, who's so engrossed in his pornography that he wouldn't even notice if his head was on fire. Jacoby: [ crosses his arms ] Go on. Steven: Well, ten hours, don't you see? Surely, that would be enough time to commit the crime of the century, don't you think? I mean, I don't know how I would go about doing it. Maybe a blow to the head, or I could shove an ink-jet cartridge down your throat. Doesn't matter, there would be enough time for rigormortis to set in. Disposing of the body would be a matter all its own, but I think there would be enough time during the night, don't you? Jacoby: My guess would be no, unless you could somehow dismember the body parts down to such a scale as to be able to flush them down the toilets individually. But it would be a risky endeavour. Steven: Exactly. The whole idea is just absurd. But, you know how the mind imagines things when it has empty hours to fill. [ cheers up ] Maybe paper football would be more up our alley! Jacoby: Well, that could be entertaining, in its own pedestrian sort of way. Steven: Yeah. Yeah, it could. [ a beat ] Hey, listen, I'm gonna go hit the head. I'll fold down a sheet of paper when I get back. Jacoby: Good man. Steven: Awesome, dude! [ gives thumbs-up as he retreats to the bathroom ] [ Jacoby looks down Steven's path, then casually stands up and walks over to the printer. He pulls out the ink-jet cartridge and looks back at the path leading to the bathroom. He walks determinedly down the path and exits the scene. From the bathroom, we hear Steven's loud scream: ] Steven O/S: Noooooooooo!!!!!! [ from the side computers, Drake begins rocking his head back and forth in time to the skull-smashing sounds eminating from the bathroom: ] Drake Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! ... [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
