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...Alec Baldwin ...Seth Meyers Don Pardo (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, Alec Baldwin! [Alec Baldwin comes out of the door and stands at homebase. The audience applauds while the theme song ends.] Alec Baldwin: Thanks! Give it up for that band, huh? [Alec Baldwin turns around and applauds for the band. He then turns back to face the audience.] Alec Baldwin: Thank you, thank you. It's great to be here tonight. You know, they gave me a "Best Of" special a few months ago, but for those of you who missed it, you can buy it on DVD on January 24. It has a bunch of special features like some dress rehearsal sketches and even a drunken audio commentary from me, so be sure to check it out! [Alec Baldwin stops speaking and shudders] Alec Baldwin: [to himself] Ugh, I feel cheaper than Dick Cheney's pacemaker. [to the audience] I won't be plugging anything else, I swear! For example, I will NOT be plugging my new movie "Fun With Dick and Jane" with Jim Carrey that opens on December 21! [The audience laughs] Alec Baldwin: [in a serious voice] Now, I have some bad news to share with you all. Unfortunately, it seems that this is going to be my last time hosting the show for the foreseeable future. [The audience boos in protest] Alec Baldwin: Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry. See, this is my twelfth time hosting... [The audience applauds in recognition] Alec Baldwin: Thank you. But see, it's my twelfth time, and that's one away from Steve Martin's all-time record of thirteen, and Lorne issued the edict that Steve gets to hold the hosting record. I asked Lorne why he did this, and he muttered something about an old bet about how successful "The Jerk" would be. So, anyway, I can't host again until Steve does his fourteenth show. Now, ordinarily that wouldn't be problem, but Steve hasn't hosted this show in over ten years! So, things don't look good for Alec Baldwin, my friends. And for all you trivia buffs, this is also why John Goodman hasn't hosted since he hit his twelfth show a few years back. [pause] Well, that and John is now too big to enter the building. He's REALLY let himself go. It's quite sad, actually. Anyway, I really would like to continue hosting this show on a regular basis since I need the money to help pay my legal bills, so please send your letters to: [SUPER: "Steve, Get Off Your Ass and Host SNL Again!" c/o Steve Martin 4394 Wilshire Blvd. Los Angeles, CA, 90023] "Steve, Get Off Your Ass and Host SNL Again!" care of Steve Martin, 4394 Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, California, 90023. I mean, would you people rather have the likes of Christopher Walken and Tom Hanks hosting this show all the time, or would you rather have me and Goodman? [nervously] T-The answer is simple, isn't it? [Alec Baldwin gets down on his knees] Alec Baldwin: [pleading] Please don't force me to get a sex change and become Alexis Baldwin so I can start over with a fresh hosting slate! I'll do it! [distraught] Hosting this show is all I have! I won't even have my houseboy Raoul anymore when my ex-wife is done with me! [Suddenly, Seth Meyers joins Alec Baldwin on-stage] Seth Meyers: [interrupting] Uh, Alec, you don't have to beg. Steve is booked to host the show in February. Alec Baldwin: [like a child] Really, Seth? No foolin'? Seth Meyers: Uh, no. Alec Baldwin: [ecstatic] Wow! It's a Christmas miracle! [Alec Baldwin gets up from his knees and excitedly hugs Seth Meyers. Seth tries to break out of the hug but is unsuccessful. Alec Baldwin: [while still hugging Seth] Okay, folks, we've got a wonderful show, Shakira is here, so stick around, we'll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
