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Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey .....Chris Parnell Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. Rumors are circulating that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld will retire from his position early next year, and that Senator Joe Lieberman has been tapped to replace him. Washington insiders claim that Lieberman would bring fresh, innovative ideas to the military complex, as well as fresh ammunition for anti-Semites who blame the Jews for the war in Iraq. A California woman was sentenced to three months in jail for beating a Jehovah's Witness for knocking on her door, once again showing how our society's justice system wrongly blames the victim. (the audience cheers and applauds) Amy Poehler: This week the International Red Cross and Red Crescent movement adopted the Red Crystal as their third protocol emblem. The new design was selected as the most appropriate symbol, beating out competing emblems such as the Red Lion, the Red Sun, the Red Red Rose, the Red State, the Red Velvet Cake, the Redcoats, the Red Ranger, the Red Sox, the Red M&M, the Red Buttons, the Red Skelton, the Red Foxx, the Red Light District, the Red Nosed Reindeer, the Red-Ryder Carbine Action Two-Hundred Shot Range Model Air Rifle, and the Mask of the Red Death, which was undoubtedly the worst possible symbol for an international health organization. (She takes a deep breath.) Tina Fey: A Muslim group in Denmark has announced that they will refuse to buy Danish treats called "Jewish cookies," citing they find the name offensive. The manufacturers of the cookies reluctantly said they make them more appealing to Muslim aesthetics, and changed their names to "Towelhead Treats." Amy Poehler: Officials said this week that New Orleans is completely environmentally safe…except for the fact the entire area is under sea level. Big news in the Saddam Hussein court case, this week! On Monday, Saddam said “I am not afraid of execution” and then on Tuesday, he told the court to “go to hell”. Old school Saddam! And now here to comment on this is our own, Chris Parnell. Chris Parnell: Thank you, Amy. Hit it, Lenny! (Cue Music – The SNL Band playing a jazzy Tom Jones style song; Parnell sings, as Amy & Tina dance around him) "It’s not unusual to see Saddam telling everyone to go to hell. It’s not unusual to see Saddam having fun with anyone. But when you see him flipping off the judge, It’s not unusual to see people laughing so hard it makes them cry. Oh Saddam isn’t afraid to die. It’s not unusual to see you in your jail cell all the time. Feverously writing your memoirs all the time. Oh Saddam…don’t go breaking my heart! You couldn’t if you tried! Oh Saddam! Yeah!" (Parnell ends his song; Tina & Amy sit down) Amy Poehler: Chris Parnell, everyone! On Thursday, the San Francisco Women's Motorcycle Contingent won their fight to trademark the name "Dykes on Bikes," though the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office had earlier denied an application for their original name, "Cooters on Scooters." A study this week shows that smoking decreases the chance of surviving lung and throat cancer. In other news, eating fast food everyday decreases the chance of living. Tina Fey: A spokesperson for “SeaWorld” said this week that they have created a new innovation for breeding dolphins. The new method of breeding: putting male porn star Peter North in the tank and letting nature take its course! In Turkey, a villager who ran away with his friend's wife has offered his own wife in exchange. Hearing this, the FOX network got an idea for a new reality show, so coming to FOX in January…”Let’s Swap Wives, for real!” Amy Poehler: (reading.) Wow, this is exciting. (puts on water wings. Giddy) Researchers in Ethiopia have discovered a fissure in the desert which they believe is the beginning of a new ocean! Scientists went on to say that they expect this fissure to become a full fledged ocean... (mood changes) in about a million years. (holding back disappointment) Tina... Tina Fey: In an exclusive interview this week, Paris Hilton said she has a video game in the works. Still no word on whether “One Night In Paris: The Virtual Reality Video Game” is what’s in the works…but little horny teenage boys can only hope. Amy Poehler: The 38-year old French woman who received the world's first partial face transplant last week told a newspaper Wednesday that she was doing "very well" following her historical surgery, to which skeptical reporters responded by calling her a "two-faced liar." Tina Fey: An Arizona woman faced aggravated assault charges Thursday after biting off the tip of one of her boyfriend's fingers during an argument. Despite pressing charges, the boyfriend contends that there have been no prior arguments between him and his girlfriend and that it's the first time she's ever chewed him out. In entertainment news this week Reverend Al Sharpton has announced he has plans to star in a sitcom entitled “Al in the Family”. Insiders do believe, though, it will fair better than Reverend Billy Graham’s new show “My Name is Jesus.” Amy Poehler: This week in California activistists pleaded Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to grant clemency to inmate Stanley Tookes Williams and save him from being executed. Hmm.. asking the terminator not to kill you, well let's check our weather report (Amy pulls out a thermometer from under the desk that reads “Temperature in Hell”) 666, ain’t happening. Tina Fey: As many movie fans know, the next James Bond will be played by actor Daniel Craig. Here to comment is original James Bond, Sir Sean Connery. Sean Connery: Thank you, Tina. Thank you, Amy. It’s good to be back on this stage. So, the producers behind the James Bond films have chosen a new smashing young actor to take over the role as the playboy agent who can light a cigarette, screw a sexy lady and have a bowel movement and looking good doing it – before half the world gets up in the morning. They picked Daniel Craig. He hasn’t done much. But that’s okay. He’s a good-looking gent, like yours truly. At least they stopped using that crybaby bitch Pierce Brosnan. So the new James Bond has blonde hair. I do have some reservations about that. Just as long as the curtains match the carpet, then everything is “okay cool” with me. When I was James Bond, the curtains always matched the carpet. Well, that’s not exactly true. To be perfectly honest, you could never tell if the curtains matched the carpet. Why? Because I’m bald as an eagle…the ladies like it that way. So, do I approve of Daniel Craig being the new James Bond? I suppose. It couldn’t be any worse than George Lazenby. Oh, by the way, Lazenby, I want my laundry down when I get home. I need my lucky pair undies. I’ve got a date with Hilary Duff’s sister. Oh wait…I just forgot. I don’t wear undies. Good night. Tina Fey: Sir Sean Connery, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
