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Announcer…Don Pardo Ray Hall…Andy Samberg …Alec Baldwin Ant…Chris Parnell Prince…Fred Armisen Rachel McAdams…Amy Poehler Bill Cosby…Kenan Thompson Morgan Freeman…Finesse Mitchell (Fade in) Announcer: And now it’s time to play the game that sweeping the nation, “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” And now here’s the host of “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” Ray Hall! (Enter Ray Hall, a cheesy game show host) Ray Hall: Thank you, Don Pardo. Welcome to “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” The game show where we ask one of the most fundamental questions of existence, “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” It’s celebrity week here on “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” and joining us today… (Camera pans to show the panel of celebrities) …are: actor Alec Baldwin, gay comic and television personality Ant, singer…eh, can I call you Prince? Prince: Yes. You can call me Prince…or “The Artist” or call me your daddy. Ray Hall: No, I think I’ll just call you “Prince”. Calling you “daddy” would be just a little too awkward for me. Prince: Suit yourself. Ray Hall: And rounding out our panel of celebrities is actress Rachel McAdams. Thank you, celebrities, for being here. What do you say let’s start the game! And here to explain the rules of “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” is legendary stand-up comic and actor Bill Cosby. (Enter Bill Cosby, smoking a cigar) Bill Cosby: Thank you. Here are the rules to “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” Rule #1 – there are no rules to “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” The only reason I’m here is because I needed the money! Thank you. Back to you, Ray. (Exit Bill Cosby) Ray Hall: Thank you, Bill Cosby. Celebrities, you heard that right, there are no rules to “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” So let’s start the game. Hands on buzzers, celebrities. Actor Alan Alda was in Tahoe at a “MASH” convention. What was the weirdest thing Alan Alda masturbated to that weekend? (Ant sounds his buzzer) Ant? Ant: I think he masturbated to “scrambled porn”. (Wrong answer buzzer) Ray Hall: I’m sorry, wrong answer. Anyone else? (Rachel McAdams sounds her buzzer) Rachel? Rachel McAdams: A cheerleading competition on ESPN! (Wrong answer buzzer) Ray Hall: I’m sorry, another wrong answer. Alec or Prince? (Alec sounds his buzzer) Alec Baldwin? Alec Baldwin: The smell of clean sheets? (Correct answer sounds) Ray Hall: That’s correct!! That’s crazy and weird. 500 points for Alec Baldwin! Don’t feel bad, celebrities. Hands on buzzers! Actress Charlize Theron was in a recent film called “North Country”, a film where she is sexually assaulted and harassed. What is the weirdest thing Charlize Theron has ever masturbated to? (Alec sounds his buzzer) Alec Baldwin? Alec Baldwin: To the greasy guy who sticks his tongue out at her in the trailer for “North Country”? Ray Hall: Correct! Alec Baldwin takes a commanding led over the other celebrities, with 1000 points. Next, actor Paul Reubens was recently in St. Paul, Minnesota for a series of days shooting a new movie. What was the weirdest thing Paul Reubens masturbated in that span of time? (Buzzer sounds) Sorry stars! We are out of time…that first round went pretty quick, uh? Prince: It was like “pre-mature ejaculation”. (Smirks to the camera) Ray Hall: That’s true, Prince. And our winner today is Alec Baldwin! Good playing by all of you, celebrities. Thanks for playing, “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” Losing contestants, don’t be sad. You aren’t going home empty handed! Don Pardo, tell our losing contestants what they get for playing “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” (Show bumper of the home version of “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?”) Announcer: You’ve got it Ray! All of our losing contestants will receive the home version of “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” Its hours of family fun! Fun for Mom and Dad; fun for the kids…even fun for “Scrappy” the family dog! It’s the home version of “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” Available at all Target and Wal-Mart stores. And, it makes the perfect “Chanukah” present! Back to you, Ray! (Exit Prince, Ant and Rachel McAdams) Ray Hall: Thank you, Don Pardo! Alec Baldwin since you won the game, you will go on to the championship round, where you will be giving a series of clues from a given celebrity. And join us for the championship round is legendary actor Morgan Freeman. (Enter Morgan Freeman) Morgan Freeman: Thank you, Ray. Alec Baldwin, pleasure to meet you. I’m Morgan Freeman. Alec Baldwin: It’s wonderful to finally meet you. Ray Hall: Well gentlemen, you know how the championship round goes. Morgan will give you a celebrity name, Alec you will then guess what that celebrity has masturbated to that would be “classified” as the weirdest. Alec, if you get 6 correct, you will win a million dollars for your favorite charity. Any questions? No? Okay, let’s play the championship round. 60 seconds on the clock, and go! (Cue Music – “Hello Again” by The Cars) Morgan Freeman: Dennis Hopper. Alec Baldwin: (Nervous) 2 dogs humping in his front yard! Ray Hall: CORRECT! Morgan Freeman: Angelica Houston. Alec Baldwin: The thought of having her penis and testicles replaced with a vagina. Ray Hall: CORRECT! Morgan Freeman: Stephen Baldwin. Alec Baldwin: Jerked off to his relationship with GOD when he became a born-again Christian! Ray Hall: INCORRECT! Try again. Alec Baldwin: (Nervous) Getting to work with Pauly Shore in “Bio-Dome” Ray Hall: CORRECT! Morgan Freeman: Frankie Muniz. Alec Baldwin: The thought of hooking up with an extra on the set of the 2nd “Cody Banks” movie. Ray Hall: CORRECT! Morgan Freeman: John Goodman. Alec Baldwin: Thoughts of doing Paul Reiser “back-door” on the set of “One Night At McCool’s”. Ray Hall: INCORRECT! Try again. Alec Baldwin: Pass! Pass! Morgan Freeman: Joan Rivers. Alec Baldwin: Actually getting to see her “cooter”. Ray Hall: CORRECT! 10 seconds left! Morgan Freeman: Paul Reiser. Alec Baldwin: Oh…damn! The thought of getting “back-door” –ed by John Goodman on the set of “One Night At McCool’s”! Ray Hall: CORRECT! We have a winner!! (Cue Music – “We Are The Champions” by Queen) Folks, it’s just that simple! $1 million will go to Alec Baldwin’s favorite charity. Join us tomorrow on “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” I’m Ray Hall. Thanks for watching! Announcer: This has been “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” Hey, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever masturbated to? You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone. It’s probably not that weird…compared to the things I’ve masturbated to. I’m a lonely announcer and I spend a lot of time alone in my announcer’s booth. (Awkward Pause) I think I said too much. This is the voice of “What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Masturbated To?” Don Pardo saying “good night”. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
