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Rod Hunter.....Fred Armisen Chuck Mangione.....Neil Young Bruce Vilanch.....Horatio Sanz .....Jack Black [ open on exterior, wide shot of Skyy Vodka billboard hovering ove a busy highway ] [ MUSIC POT: "Feels So Good", Chuck Mangione ] Announcer: Pull over, America, because you're tuned to "Talk Show on a Billboard", with your host, Rod Hunter. [ title tag appears ] Tonight, Rod welcomes his special guests, Bruce Vilanch and Jack Black. [ dissolve to close-up of billboard set, Chuck Mangione and the house band playing the theme song ] And, as always, Chuck Mangione and the Billboard Band. Sponsored, as always, by Skyy Vodka - that's the stuff. And now, four exits north and turn left, your host, Rod Hunter! [ Chuck and the band finish with a flourish as Rod steps onto the billboard set ] Rod Hunter: Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to "Talk Show on a Billboard." I'm your host, Rod Hunter. Please give it up at home for Chuck Mangione and the Billboard Band, excellent as always. [ Chuck shows off with a quick one-two on the trumpet ] Rod Hunter: That's terrific, Chuck. I know I say it every night, but I'm filled with gratitude that you agreed to be my musical sidekick on this show. The past three months have been heaven for me. Do you feel the same way? [ Chuck breaks into a trumpet solo of Apollo 100's "Joy" ] Rod Hunter: Yeah, that's a classic tune, I know. But what I meant was, how do you feel about what we do on this show? How would you express that emotion? [ Chuck is silent for a moment, as he ponders the question, then breaks into a trumpet solo of the old standard, "You're the Top", with the house band snapping their fingers to the beat. Then, Chuck spontaneously segues into chorus from "Feels So Good." ] Rod Hunter: Alright, enough! I'm trying hold a conversation with you, Chuck! The give and take of simple communication. The process of turning thoughts into sound, of having things come out of your mouth instead of going in. Don't you know how to do that? [ Chuck almost places his trumpet to his lips again, then meekly speaks up ] Chuck Mangione: I'm sorry, I.. I, uh.. I have no vocal.. training.. I.. I.. I once carpooled with Herb Alpert and Yanni, and.. and I sweated like a horse on steroids, and.. and.. and if Yanni hadn't run over that kid, we never would have been able to fill the silence. [ panics ] I gotta get out of here!! [ Chuck frantically looks for a way off the billboard, nearly contemplating jumping off the side ] Rod Hunter: Don't jump! [ Chuck returns to his stool, shaking violently ] Alright, just forget it. You're the bandleader, no speaking. Stick that brass stick back into your mouth, and we won't say another word about it. [ Chuck places his trumpet back to his lips and suckles it like a bottle of formula ] Rod Hunter: [ shakes his head ] Good God o' mighty. Alright, anyway, we have a terrific show for you tonight, and we might as well get it on the road - or off the road, as the case may be! [ chuckles ] My first guest is an accomplished writer and performer, please welcome the comedy stylings of Bruce Vilanch. [ Chuck and the band play Bruce Vilanch out onto the scaffolding. Bruce clowns around as he walks out, quickly losing his balance and falling off the side of the billboard. He lands offscreen with a deadly comic thud, easily the funniest thing ever attributed to him. ] [ cut to a stunned Rod standing behind his desk ] Rod Hunter: Stop the music! Chuck Mangione and the Billboard Band - knock it off! [ throws his hands in the air ] Why does this have to happen every night! Why do these celebrities have to be so damn conceited? There's no need to wave to the audience, because there is no audience! We're on a billboard, for God's sake! What, do you think there's a studio audience on the billboard across the street, watching through binocs?! And how many times do I tell these celebrities that the free vodka is for after the show, not before! [ taps his fingers nervously on the desk ] This is just great. As usual, we've just lost half of the show's format. In one fell swoop. What do you make of this, Chuck? [ Chuck blows his trumpet to sound like a cartoon character falling off a cliff ] Rod Hunter: Surprisingly, that's not bad. Let's try for a Take Two, and introduce our next guest. He's the star of the new "King Kong" remake, not to mention king of the comedy box office. Please welcome the always side-splitting, Jack Black! [ Chuck and the band play out Jack Black with an instrumental version of "Black is Black." Jack Black appears on the right side of the billboard, leaning his back desperately onto the front of the billboard in his desperate standing crawl to the desk and chair ] Rod Hunter: Welcome to the show, Jack. It's good to see you. You're looking a little tense, is everything alright? Jack Black: I had pancakes for breakfast. I'm trying not to become what I eat. Rod Hunter: Well, just stay away from the edge and watch your step. There's nothing to be worried about - as long as you're insured and your family's provided for. Jack Black: I would never do a show like this, except my agent said I could be seen by thousands and it's good publicity. Not that we need publicity. After all, the quality of Peter Jackson's revisioning of "King Kong" speaks for itself. Rod Hunter: I'll tell you, Jack - I compared Peter Jackson's version with the original 1933 "King Kong" film, and one thing I noticed is that Peter's version is a lot more colorful. Jack Black: Yeah. Well, we shot it in color, since the technique was recently introduced to Hollywood. Rod Hunter: I see. So putting the movie in color wasn't a marketing ploy, it was sheer convenience? Jack Black: Of all the special effects we used, I think putting the movie in color is going to impress you the most. Rod Hunter: Actually, the part I most enjoyed was when the Kong battled those three dinosaurs at one time. I've been in that situation in bar rooms many times myself, just on the opposite side of the equation. Jack Black: [ furiously wiping his sweating brow ] Well, the entire film is a dizzying array of action and drama. And speaking of dizzying, can I lie down and catch my breath before I puke a lung? Rod Hunter: Only if you can answer a question that's bothered since I saw the original film. What is the deal with this overgrown jungle ape falling in love with this petite woman creature? I mean, who does he think he is, Arnold Schwarzenegger? Just what is with all these tall, lumbering guys dating tiny chicks? I'll tell you, they're not getting those units inside of them! Jack Black: I don't know. I date a tall chick, myself, so I usually need to scale the side of a building to get anything done as well. Of course, I likes it nasty! [ tries to laugh, then remembers his fear of heights and groans nauseously ] Rod Hunter: Ha ha! Jack, you're a good sport to conquer your fear and climb new heights with me. Because you're the big star of "King Kong", the production crew came up with a little surprise for you, and I think you're going to get a kick out of it. Jack Black: A surprise way up here? Why, that's not necessary. Rod Hunter: Nonsense. It's no trouble at all. Now, the mighty Kong climbed all the way to the top of the Empire State Building. Of course, we're nowhere near that high in the air -- Jack Black: No, but we are up high enough. I'm seriously frightened for my life right now. Do you have a trash can, or something? Rod Hunter: You comic actors are all alike - always trying to make me laugh. I'm a big fan, Jack, but I'm not your biggest fan. This guy is. [ suddenly, a huge mechanized King Kong head peeks out from the side of the billboard. Jack Black jumps over his chair in sheer terror, screaming, and finally trips on the scaffolding and falls off the billboard to his death. ] Rod Hunter: I don't know. Maybe I should have seen that coming, but I didn't. My producers were telling me earlier today that we've done nearly 60 shows, and we've had over 100 celebrity deaths. On the one hand, that sounds impressive; on the other hand, we're running out of people to ask to be on the show. But tune in tomorrow, because my guests will be Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen Twins. Uh.. heads-up to the production crew - cover the scaffolding with tarp so tomorrow's guests don't slip through the slats. [ a beat ] On second thought, what the hell, let's do the world a favor. Good night, everyone! [ Chuck and the band play the show out. Rod stands, removes his jacket, then almost steps off the side of the billboard before taking notice of his actions and turning in the opposite direction. ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
