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Phil Gleever... Jack Black Husband... Chris Parnell Wife... Amy Poehler Old Woman... Rachel Dratch Man... Will Forte Black Guy... Finesse Mitchell Random singer #1... Bill Hader Random singer #2... Kirsten Wiig Random singer #3… Andy Samberg Christmas Tree twins... Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers (Open with an exterior shot of the Pine Creek Mall and fade into lower level of the mall. There are random Christmas Decorations everywhere Random extras walk across the screen. The husband and wife walk by arguing.) Husband: Look (a beat) I didn’t know that all of the Yu Gi-Oh Racer toys would be sold out. Woman: All you had to do was buy Matthew’s gift and you couldn’t even do that. Husband: Oh don’t do that right now! I have had it with you spoiling our son. Woman: Spoiling! (A beat) It’s not spoiling him on Christmas. Husband: Oh please! He gets the lunchroom award and we buy him a sundae. He gets an A on an open note test and we get him a new toy. God knows what we’ll give him when he graduates from high school! Woman: I already have the Ferrari picked out (sarcastic). (They continue to argue, the camera pans to a man and an old women coming down the escalator) Man: Madam, I’ll say it again. I need that bag! I need a gold plated bag for my holiday special! Old Woman: Let me tell you something sonny. In my day gold was on the ears and around the neck, these days I see gold coming out of places that should never have anything come out! Man: I’ll have a lot coming out if you don’t give me that bag! I just need it for my holiday special. Old woman: I get shocked and appalled just thinking about what you mean by “holiday special” Man: Well now that just insults me to the highest level. This isn’t unification of the holidays… it’s disintegration. OH WOH IS ME! (Man and old woman continue to argue by the husband and wife who are still arguing. Black man walks by the scene and just shakes his head) Black Man: Man, just another lame-ass day in a white man’s mall! (Notices the continuous argument) All this hatin’ is making me angry! I mean where is the Kwanzaa greeting? Not even one store said Happy Kwanzaa, what I wouldn’t give for a 40 ouncer with the words Happy Kwanzaa on it! (Phil Gleever walks into the scene.. He’s got a bright red sweater and green pants; he thrusts his hand outward trying to stop the yelling) Phil Gleever: People, people! Is this anyway to enjoy the festivities of Christmas? Black Guy: Not all of us celebrate that holiday! Why are you being a discriminating Honky? Phil Gleever: (Startled) OKAY! I am a fellow crafted human as yourself, but do I talk in that tone? DO I… fellow brethren? Man: Brethren? You mean like Aryan… I didn’t know the Satan Nazis had returned!! Phil Gleever: Relax okay! I am similar to you all, but unlike you all… I embrace the holiday spirit. You may all be worried, tired, or scared, but give me your hands and I’ll show the wonders... OF CHRISTMAS, I mean the holidays! Husband: Do you need money or something? How about sexual favors? My wife may be bitchy, but you might be the one to shut her up for good! Wife: (Angry) Wilbur! What are you doing? Phil Gleever: NO NO NO! Why does everyone think I am a crazy psycho looking for money or sex? I am from the family crest of Gleever. You know… the most musically sound family crest? Anyways my name is Phil and let me show you why THE HOLIDAYS ARE THE BEST!!!! (A Twinkly and musically sound melody pots up. Phil Gleever smiles as the 3 Random singers appear out of nowhere) Phil Gleever: THE HOLIDAYS... OH OH! Old Woman: (startled by the random singers) Hold it! These people are too random to sing for me! I want people who I have come to know and love. I don’t want some choir group that sells massage chairs on the first floor! (Music stops) Random Singer #1: Those are high quality chairs! And the profits go towards the construction of a baseball field for the victims of car theft! Man: Someone threw stale macaroni and sewage on my car… is the field for me? Random Singer #2: Maybe, I’ll have to- Phil Gleever: Everyone STOP! We have a song to sing. From the top! (Music Pots up again) Random Singer #3: The Holidays Phil Gleever: A TIME OF GIVING, LIVING AND FIBBING! Random Singer #2: Fib Away Fib Away Woh woh woh! Phil Gleever: Spread your arms, and pull down your shorts AND DRRROOOOPPP THE FORKS. Random Singer #2: Leave the clutter, and piss on butter Randon Singer #1: It’s the most Careless and Carefree time All Four of them: OF THE YEAR! Phil Gleever: SO RELAX... I SAID RELAX DAMMIT! No need to let your problems ruin the season. WHO CARES IF YOU LEFT THAT GUY TO DIE! Random Singer #3: Forget about it for the rest of 2005! (Husband and wife start to dance and be merry. Man and Old woman begin to tango together. Black man continues to stand there with a blunt look on a face) Random Singer #1: Failed that test, Phil Gleever: well it’s time to jest! Random Singer #2: Burned down a house Phil: Blame it on the guy from Laos! These are things to keep you happy and your hair just nappy! (Looks at Black Guy) Come on and sing with me my brother! Black Guy: If you don’t step off, your gut will be bloodier! Phil Gleever: That’s great… my friend. But now prepare to intensify this number even more, with the musical percussion of the Christmas Tree Twins. (The twins are 2 guys dressed in tree costumes they run into the scene. Everyone else steps back) Twins Together: Gambling, and PCP dealing… Russian roulette we are breathing! (One of the twins grabs a large candy cane and begins to whack the wall with it) Twins Together: Tis the season to remember the times when we could walk around and not pay fines! (The twin with the candy cane suddenly whacks his other twin who collapses to the ground) Twin: Uh… I just beat the crap out of my twin! But I don’t care because I can WIN! Money yes glorious money, money makes the world the round and the holidays can remove that frown! HEY! (Christmas Tree twin drags his unconscious twin out of the scene. Music is still playing and everyone still sings) Phil Gleever: Sorry about the bad rhyme! But I needed something to fill the time! It’s a hip hop thing! Right my homey! (Looks at Black Guy) Black Guy: Do you wanna be a dead Honky? Old Woman: Please leave the words of Richard Pryor out of this! (Man looks surprised at her outburst) Man: Hey, I thought she was a RA-CIST! Phil Gleever: Forget the crisis and drop the fichus! It’s a plant you know; I learned that from my Aunt! (Wife steps forward kind of annoyed) Wife: Why do you rhyme so much? Is it because I am half dutch? OH GOD! (She runs off to the corner and her husband consoles her) Husband: Oh honey, it’s okay! I might as well say I’m gay! (She eyes him mysteriously) I’M NOT! But let’s relax! One day Matthew will be gone and all we’ll have is EX-LAX! Wife: You’re singing for no reason, well maybe coz… tis the season. Hey you’re right and maybe we should be more happy! (Old Woman looks at the Man) Old Woman: (hands over her bag) Here you go, now you can put on your show! Man: Hey thanks a lot, do you want a part? (Old woman jumps in his arms. Phil Gleever smiles as everyone seems happy) Phil Gleever: Well I’m glad this song helped you sll out! Now I can use this as clout! I feel so happy and my collar is flappy! I just want to say that the holidays are meant TO BE HAPPY! (Everyone smiles and the black guy starts to dance a bit. Phil, the random singers, and the shoppers all assemble in a line!) Everyone: BECAUSE, IT’S THE MOST CARELESS AND CAREFREE TIME OF THE YEAR!!! (The holiday music stops. Phil waltzes off. Everyone starts to move around as though this escapade never happens. The husband and wife, and man and old woman disperse hand in hand. The black guy starts to walk off, but notices all 3 random singers standing there) Black guy: You guys got anywhere to go? (All 3 random singers shake their head no) Black Guy: If y’all shut up, pitch in for gas, and enjoy strip clubs, then hop in my Pontiac and let’s get the hell out of here! All 3 Random Singers: (Happily) Thank you so much. You’re like another Jesus! Black Guy: Well Jesus wants some steak tacos and Gatorade so let’s go! (All of them exit as the scene fades out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
