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Announcer…Chris Parnell Donald Rumsfeld…Darrell Hammond President Bush…Will Forte Andy…Andy Samberg (Fade in) Announcer: And now a special holiday presentation from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. (Camera pans on Rumsfeld sitting in an uncomfortable Mother Goose like chair, about to read to the children) Donald Rumsfeld: Hello, boys and girls. America. Tonight, I’m going to read to you. I don’t want to, but someone came up to me and told me that I look and appear and are cold, uneasily and unapproachable. Well…that’s true. See, the gimmick of this, I’m going to read to the children…to give the children a false sense that I care about them, I mean you. I don’t. Kids, realize something. I only care about you, like I care about Dick Cheney’s heart…or Dick Cheney…or Dick Cheney’s daughter…or his dog. I DON’T CARE! America’s military only cares about you kids because you are going to be the military in 12 years. Know it! Realize it! Stop listening TO YOUR I-PODS! A grown-up is TALKING! I don’t mean to shout. I really don’t. My doctor tells me it’s bad for me. So kids, who wants me to start reading? (Children are quiet; a few are clapping their hands very slowly) That’s what I thought. How’d you like your parents to be audited? Children: (chanting) WE WANT A STORY! WE WANT A STORY! Donald Rumsfeld: Good. That’s what I thought. Dr. Seuss wrote this book I’ll be reading called “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”. The government tried going after Dr. Seuss, because he’s not actually a doctor. We found him attempting to practice medicine out of the back of his van. He’s a bad bad man…but he’s still a good person. He wrote a good book about “The Grinch”, which I have reason to believe was written based on me. (Rumsfeld begins to read) Every who…down in Who-ville…liked Christmas a lot… Announcer: We interrupt this holiday special, for an address from the President of The United States. (Pan on the President sitting in his office, at his desk; President Bush is listening to his I-POD; Music is “Do You Wanna” by Franz Ferdinand) President Bush: (singing with the music) Do you wanna? Do ya – Do ya wanna…wanna go! (Shocked; pulls the earpieces out) Sorry America. You caught me off guard. I was jamming to that guy Franz. He pumps (claps) me up! I wonder why Hans never came out with an album. Anyhow, tonight, I come to you to speak…a joyous holiday message. What? Oh right. I covered that during the White House tree lighting. I’m here to say “sorry”. Earlier this week, I claimed personal responsibility for the invasion of Iraq. I never thought one silly little action would or could lead to the death of thousand of innocent people. MINE BAD! I’d like to take this opportunity to say sorry once again…to everyone I hurt. I will try to be a better person this coming new year. I’m going to stop acting like such a fool. Because I’m not a fool, I’m just easily misunderstood. I’m like…I’m like “KING KONG”. All I want is love, like the way KONG wants the love of the blonde woman. Sorry, I’m not too good with names. Go see “KONG” if you haven’t. It’s a wonderful film. I’m glad to see that fat hairy guy Michael Moore finally made a movie that I can enjoy, without someone explaining everything to me. Getting back to the reason behind this whole thing…I’d like to say again…I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done. I’m sorry for running for President. And I’m sorry for winning 2 “sham” elections. I’m sorry for running and subsequently winning the election to be the governor of Texas. I’m sorry for being a fumbling owner of the Texas Rangers. I’m sorry for being a racist, even thou I’m not. Well, I guess I am. I only like black people that are light skinned blacks. That’s why I wanted to make funny man Sinbad my vice president. (Returns to his list of “sorry”) I’m sorry for being born. And I’m pretty sure my mother feels the same way. (Long pause) Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Happy holidays America! God bless! Now back to Rummy! (Fade to black; pan to Rumsfeld’s reading to the children, as a child asks a question) Andy: But Mr. Rumsfeld, why is the Grinch such an evil, horrible person? Donald Rumsfeld: Andy, son, that’s a question that’s boggled the minds of some of the greatest college professors in this country for years and years. Now, I’ve got the answer…am I gonna tell you the answer…hell NO! I’m gonna leave you hanging and just tell you…LIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
