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Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey Santa Claus.....Will Forte .....Andy Samberg .....Neil Young Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. An explosion ripped through a smelter at a nuclear power plant in northern Russia but radiation levels were normal, the Russian media reported on Friday. Still no word on whether the movie rights have been purchased yet, but you can bet “Chernobyl 2: It Can Happen To You” will be coming out sooner than you think. President Bush, on Thursday, hailed the newest Iraqi election as “a step forward”. Bush went on to say, “It’s a step forward in the right direction for us to completely destroy a country like it was a cheap toy we got for Christmas.” Amy Poehler: President Bush embraced Sen. John McCain's proposal to ban cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of terrorism suspects on Thursday, reversing months of opposition that included the White House vetoing certain threats. With the ban on torture, several-jailed terrorist have been left to wonder if it's real or are they being "punk'd" like on the show they watch on their plasma screens. Mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, announced this week that all King Kongs must be leashed everywhere through out the city. No exceptions! Tina Fey: The National Transportation Safety Board said this week that the plane that slid off the Midway airport runway last week needed, roughly, another 8,000 feet of runway without heading into residential areas and/or traffic. Wow! Millions of dollars and that’s all they could come up with? Amy Poehler: And now here with a Christmas message to all the little boys and girls, Weekend Update welcomes Santa Claus! Santa Claus: (cheery) Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Hello Tina! Hello Amy! I know you’ve been good girls this year…and that is why I am going to give you your Christmas presents early! Amy Poehler: Oh wonderful! (Santa pulls two presents out of his bag; hands them to Tina and Amy; Tina opens hers, as does Amy) Tina Fey: Ah great! A pair of socks! Amy Poehler: Man, this bites! Where’s the video I-POD I asked for? Santa Claus: (not as cheerful) Oh, don’t be mad, Amy. That’s kind of why I’m here. You see things aren’t so good at the North Pole. My right hand assistant, Scooter Libby Scooter got arrested. He took my “slay” out and crashed into the Arctic Ocean. Then he went out and hit on some underage elves…and THAT STARTED A WHOLE THING! Then immigration came in and wanted to know what the deal was with all my elves! I guess a lot of them don’t have their papers. But papers cost money and time…and they spend 363 days out of the year making toys. It’s a hard job! And the price of hay for the reindeer has gone up and now it’s costing me an arm and a leg. Then I got word that my reindeer had joined a union…and now they want healthcare. Rudolph had to go under the knife for some “semi-elective” surgery. His nose started burning out last August when I was helping out my in-laws move down to Nova Scotia. It’s been a terrible year. So kids, I want you know that Christmas might not be quite as merry as it’s been in the past, but I promise you, I’ll make it up to you. Oh yeah, all the kids out there who were expecting coal in their stocking, ehh…just expect nothing. Getting a shipment of coal in before the big night has become a real issue so I just said, “to hell with it!” (cheery) Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Amy Poehler: Santa Claus, everyone! Tina? Tina Fey: A man known as Santa Claus was arrested in Time Square Saturday night, and charged with “soliciting a call to hookers in the city”. Mass confusion, this holiday season. Asked to comment, Santa said, “I know they are naughty hookers, and I'd like to stuff coal up their stocking! They'll have so much coal up their stocking, they'll be the naughtiest hookers ever!” Surprising news out of Ireland! A hazardous slick of broken eggs caused traffic chaos in Dublin on Thursday after a truck carrying thousands of broody hens lost its load. Not surprising, everyone driving was drunk! Amy Poehler: Terrell Owens said in a press statement Friday that he feels like he was “used” by the Philadelphia Eagles. Yeah, Terrell, I know how you feel. Don’t you just hate it when you make fun of your quarterback and your coach and the rest of your team and now they don’t want to play with you, anymore? That’s kind of a crappy situation to be in. Actor Morgan Freeman said this week in an interview on “60 Minutes” that “Black History Month” is, in a word, “ridiculous”. Freeman also said, “You're going to relegate my history to a month? That’s like dedicating a whole month to apple pie, baseball and hand-jobs! America is America.” Tina Fey: Scientists from the University of Amsterdam subjected the Mona Lisa to cutting-edge "emotion recognition" software this week to uncover the mystery behind her famous half-smile. The results showed that 83% of her smile is attributed to happiness, and the other 17% was just a fart. Amy Poehler: PETA, this week, issued its own "worst-dressed" list, based on fur, not style. They named Paris Hilton as the year's “worst-dressed” celebrity. She was also named “least-dressed” and “skankiest looking whore in fur”. Tina Fey: Rapper Foxy Brown said in an interview this week that she has "been deaf for months". Asked to comment, a spokesperson for music critics everywhere said, "We know. We heard your last album." Amy Poehler: London police were on the lookout Friday for a man who had been repeatedly exposing himself to women while wearing a Santa Claus outfit. Most of his victims complained that they were offended because the man was less than endowed, causing one woman to remark, "There is no Santa Claus." And now, back with a segment called News That Affects Me Personally, here's correspondent Andy Samberg. Andy Samberg: Alright, thank you, Amy! As an American citizen, I try to stay informed with events in the news. But, sometimes, the information is irrelevent to my personal needs. So let's take a look at some of this week's headlines and see how much of it really has our best interests in mind. Top story of the week, in my book: A man catches a woman's baby when she throws it from a two-story apartment window during a fire. The dude caught the baby in one try, can you believe that? If it had been me, I would have missed the baby. At best, the damn thing would have bounced off my hands and landed in some bushes, and then the mother would probably run downstairs, screaming, "You killed my baby!" And I'd be, like, "Forget that, lady. Your baby broke my fingers! How am I supposed to play video games or roll a doobie with broken fingers?" It's not easy! Turning to news mroe festive, Christmas is right around the corner - oops, I'm not supposed to say Christmas, because it puts too many people on edge. You know what kind of people? Assholes, that's who. If you can't call it Christmas, then what the hell are we celebrating? Oh, right - [ makes finger-quotes ] "The Holidays. Yeah, and while we're at it, we might just as well rename Thanksgiving "Eviction Day." Look, whether it's Christmas, Chanukah, or Kwanzaa, the bottom line is that we're all getting free presents and two days off from work! Well.. I get a lot more days off than you, but you know what I'm saying. Take a chill pill, people. Remember when the only way you could offend somebody this time of year was to send them a fruitcake in the mail? And enough with this segregrated Christmas crap, alright? Black people, I'm looking at you. I was at Wal-Mart the other day, and they were actually selling a plastic life-sized Black Santa Claus. It didn't even look like ol' St. Nick, it looked more like Redd Foxx! It's just sad, because you know there's not a black person alive that would be caught dead living on the North Pole. On ice is not a place you people like to be, am I right? Of course, Amy and Tina over here probably think Santa claus is a woman. Now, I'm not saying a woman can't grow a beard and develop a big gut, but I can promise you that Santa Claus is not a woman. And neither is God, ladies. If God was a woman, she wouldn't have taken six days to create the Earth. She would have taken her day of rest right up front, then said, "You know what? This is good. Forget about organizing all that clutter down there, this is the life I'm talking about!" Amy Poehler: Alright, get out of here. Andy Samberg and the News That Affects him Personally, everybody. Tina Fey: Finally tonight, comedy lost a great one last weekend. Richard Pryor died last Saturday of a heart attack. He had been battling multiple sclerosis for several years. To honor Richard Pryor, tonight’s musical guest Neil Young would like to sing a song in tribute. Neil? Neil Young: Thank you, Tina. Richard Pryor was a wonderful man that I was happy to call a friend. Richard, this one is for you… (Plays a guitar; singing soft ballad lyrics) "Two by two and bit by bit You were a fun one; you were the hit. Rockin’ the mike like a rock star, You were the best, by far You called Chevy a honky; you made Gene Wilder your Uncle Tom, On stage you were rehearsed, you were so calm. You swore so much; we laughed so much We miss you so much." (As the song ends, screen shot of Richard Pryor during his SNL monologue) (SUPER: Richard Pryor 1940 – 2005) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
