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Willy James… Kenan Thompson Stan the manager… Jack Black Carl Denham… Kyle Gass (cameo) Ann Darrow… Tina Fey Rio-Ma… Jason Sudeikis Kong… Horatio Sanz (A Black Screen appears and the Words shoot out across the screen with narration by Don Pardo) THE FOLLOWING SKETCH FEATURES WILLY JAMES (Cut to Willy James in a Santa suit. He’s still standing in front of a black screen) Willy James: Happy Holidays you middle class vermin! (Fade to small TV set. Willy is sitting on a talk show desk with a blue background. Intro music pots up) Stan V/O: Ladies and Gentleman set your cosmic mind to stun! The clock has spoken and it wants “Willy’s Showtime”! Willy James: Hello and welcome to Willy James Showtime. This is the first episode of my movie talk show coming to you exclusively on… Public Access! For those you who haven’t heard of my conquest and me, I’m Willy James and you need to read Penthouse once in awhile. (Camera cuts to Stan by the corner of the set) Stan: (laughs) Hah! Penthouse, man that’s rich! Willy: Stan the station manager everyone! I have to give it up to Stan. If it weren’t for him, my life would not have gone up a notch with this sweet show. For those of you spending your Christmas Eve watching this low budget production, your day went up a double notch! Stan: (laughs hysterically) AHAHA! Double notch! This guy is a genius! Willy James: Hey y’all, I’m going to start this show, but first, a bit about me you all may not know. I was born in a 2 bedroom apartment and I stayed in that apartment for 25 years! I went to school for about 5 of those years. The rest was spent gaining knowledge and passion for the one thing I truly love… MOVIES! Yes, from seeing movies to gaining never-before-seen clips, I love movies. For awhile, I really had the life; watching movies, selling clips, making wise-ass comments, and sex on Wednesdays. But when people started getting out more and not wanting my clips, I was left with a choice, get a real job and life, or make one last attempt at living the dream. Well… after getting a hand job from Lindsay Lohan, getting my life savings stolen from me by a guy named Ernest. I ended up in the city alone and with 20 clips. I decided to seek religious counseling, so I headed to the local Video Parlor and consulted with the movie pastor. He recommended Stan and since then I’m back on top with this show! Stan: Dude, you’re like a genius, with the movies, and the clothes and the ripping off of David Spade! Willy: Man what did I say about having a mind of your own! Stan the manager: Bro, I am sorry I should not have gone there! Willy James: (annoyed) From now on, if anyone goes there, it will be me! OK! (smiles again) So anyways, the holiday season is in full effect. Malls are packed to the crevice with random shoppers just browsing along and buying very little. I thought maybe the movie theaters would be less crowded but they just more intense. People want movies, but my clips just don’t sell! Stan: Maybe Santa will give you the gift of clip selling. Willy James: I don’t think Santa controls free will! He’s not a god… OR Bob Saget! AHAHA! Well it’s time for the part of the show where we roundup the latest theater releases! First up there’s the recanting sequel Cheaper by the Dozen 2. I’m gonna be honest, I love Steve Martin, but please, it was a sham the first time and it only gets worse! This film is like taking a water balloon and trying to make a balloon animal out of it. It ain’t gonna work! Stan: (laughs hysterically) Oh man, I haven’t laughed this hard at water balloons since I saw a clown peeing in one! Willy James: And then of course there’s Fun with Dick and Jane! The family living the American Dream by stealing! I think this movie may actually be worth seeing… on the midnight flight to Singapore! And finally, the latest hit film is King Kong! Now… I really loathe remakes, and this one just fills the gap for the corny remake. I’m sorry Jack Black, but you should stick to music and those comedy films which really insult the name comedy! I mean calling you a funny man is like calling Trailer Trash, rich socialites. Stan: Dude, I think you should cool it with the Jack Black dissing. I heard he’s trained a parakeet to kill people at night. Willy James: No, you’re thinking of Martin Landau! Stan: Aw man that’s right. God, I’m such an idiot. Willy James: No Stan, you’re not the idiot, the public is the real idiot. For letting crappy films enter their holiday season. Since we’re still on the topic of train-wrecks,now is the perfect time to present a never-before-seen-clip from King Kong. SO ROLL IT OUT! (Camera fades to a jungle scene. Carl Denham and Ann Darrow stand behind a bush) Carl Denham: Oh god… Kong has gone angry. He is a fierce beast that can kill anything and anyone. Who knows what demented things lay in his primitive mind? The best thing we can do… IS CAPTURE HIM and make money off it. Ann Darrow: But we will have to tame this massive beast Carl. How can we do it without having me be completely nude? Carl Denham: I’ve heard of this Tribal Medicine Man. He knows the secret to this beast, and he speaks English! He grew up in Italy, but he now lives in these parts, we must seek him out! We must seek him out like our 1920’s souls need him! Off we go, to seek RIO-MA! (Cut to Ann and Carl in front of a hut. The door opens and there stands Rio-Ma. He looks similar to Mario with the mustache, red cap, and blue overalls) Rio-Ma: I feel as though I know why you are-a here! Carl Denham: Kong has gone crazy. We have to tame him immediately. (Carl goes crazy as he starts to air-guitar) Rio-Ma: Mamma-Mia, what is a going on-a with your hands! (Looks at Ann) Bellicima please tell a me, you haven’t fallen for this boob! Carl: Must fight these Tenacious Actions! (Struggles to control himself) Rio-Ma: Well, I know how to deal with Kong. I’ve dealt with him the only way I know how. It’s tough and it involves precision and reflexes… (Cut to a jungle set up. Kong stands on a red platform and barrels are around him. There are red rails going parallel to the ground. This is an exact set-up to the Donkey Kong game. Carl and Ann are struggling to climb up) Carl: So Rio-Ma said we must get to the top of the platforms and Kong will be in our power! It just doesn’t make any sense! Ann: I get the feeling there should be some synthesized Nintendo music to accompany our journey up this railing and ladder system. (Camera cuts to Kong on top. No fancy effect just some guy in an ape suit who starts tossing around barrels) Kong: GROWWWLL! (tosses a barrel down) Carl: Ah a red cylinder of death! (The barrel hits Carl and he falls off the platform) Carl Denham: Ow, my body has been mangled. I know nothing that can save me! (Kong starts to grow angry and he jumps off the platform system and runs wildly into the jungle) Ann Darrow: Hmm, I wondered why he took so long to run away. He wasn’t confined to the platform? Maybe we should just take a page from DOOM and go plasma gun crazy on his ape ass! (Camera fades back to Willy James in his studio) Willy James: While the clip played I decided to BREAK OUT THE NOG! Stan: OH YEAH! Let’s party it up this Christmas Eve! (pours himself a glass of egg nog) Willy James: (raises his glass) Here’s to an awesome eve! So uh Stan, when does the paycheck for this thing come in? Stan: Dude, this is public access, you pretty much have to pay to appear! Willy James: You uh, have any company over on Christmas? I may need a place to stay. Stan: I thought you were a legend, but apparently you’re just a no good loser with no real job or life. Willy James: That’s a little harsh for the holidays. Stan: Gawd I’m just kidding! (Laughs and takes a sip of nog) Oh god this egg nog is the noggiest nog ever! I get this sensation, oh it makes me tingle. I feel like my nuts have been dipped into ice cold Kool-Aid! Willy James: Stan you never fail to amaze me! So staying at your place is an option? Stan: Oh dude of course! Man, but the sound guy who just walked in says it’s a blizzard out there. Willy James: Well it is Christmas Eve and a Christmas Eve without snow is like Dandruff without the itching! Stan: Aha! Dandruff, I uh had a huge dandruff problem back in high school… (loses his smile) Thanks for reminding me about that! Willy James: Hey man, just forget about the flakes! Let’s focus on the winter party, because it’s the Holiday Season! (Looks at the audience) Right of course! (Realizes he’s still on camera) We have a show to do and I cannot forget the viewing public. (Willy starts to get up and grabs his coat) Willy James: Well that’s all the time we have! For those you who tuned in… thanks! But this was the first and probably last episode of Willy’s Showtime! I didn’t realize you had to pay to play the game of talk show! (Looks offstage) Stan start the car! I’m grabbing a Holiday Latte and donut and I’ll meet ya in a few! Have a safe and happy holiday season everyone! Let’s hear those sleigh bells ringing! (Willy James walks off set and the scene fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
