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Penny...Scarlett Johannson Anchor...Chris Parnell Victim 1...Jason Sudeikis Billy...Seth Meyers Clem...Fred Armisen Victim 2...Horatio Sanz Victim 3...Amy Poehler Victim 4...Bill Hader Spokesperson...Maya Rudolph (shot of outside of delightful candy store with all colors of rainbow, flashing lights, etc.) (interior shows Penny standing against counter watching television; employees throughout sketch wear candy striped clothing and have southern accents) Penny: Wow, that's just awful. Intense, is what it is. Anchor: ...and further developments state that thousands have been affected by this category 3 earthquake that shook the county. Hundreds are feared dead. More on this top story after this commercial break. (Penny turns TV off) Penny: Mother nature is quite a bitch. (screams can be heard outside of the store, with Penny not taking any notice) (victim crawls into store on his stomach, clutching at his side which is covered in blood) Victim 1: Oh, oh. God. Thank God. Please help me. You have to help me, please. Penny: (all chipper, like most candy store employees) Well, hello. What are you doin? down there? Anything I can help you with today? Victim 1: Oh, God. Please, call an ambulance. I was inside my car and it fell a few feet into the road. I got sliced up pretty bad. Penny: (ignorant of man's requests) I bet you're in the mood for a Charleston Chew, huh? Not everybody loves a Charleston Chew, but if you do, you can't get enough of them! (giggles) Victim 1: What? Please, I need help. Medical attention. Penny: We do make our own fudge, though. Say, I bet you would like to try a complimentary piece. Will only take a second to get. Victim 1: Is there a first aid kit out back? Penny: I'll go get your fudge. Billy, need you to come out front and check the store. (Billy comes from behind the curtain and smiles all around) Billy: How you doing today? Penny: I'm going to get this cutey some fudge. Billy: Okey-dokey. (Penny goes out back) Victim 1: A gauze pad, or a single paper towel to help stop the bleeding would be tremendous. Please. Billy: Ya know, we're probably the only candy store in the area that sells many of the old-time candies and chocolates you can?t find in many places. Victim 1: For the love of God, help me. Billy: We have Boston Baked Beans, which are really just candy-coated peanuts. Victim 1: The pain is excruciating actually.... Billy: Chuckles? Everybody loves Chuckles. Victim 1: ...and I don't know if it is normal to taste blood in the throat... Billy: Teaberry Gum, Valomilk, and even old Horehound Candy. No jokes. (giggles) Victim 1: ...in fact, I may just kill to get a friggin' Band-Aid. (victim looks over at corner and sees Clem) Hey, you. Please, call a doctor, something. (Clem nods) Billy: Oh, that's just good ol' Clem. He likes to stand there all day and sweep the floor. He's a good guy. Little slow. (Clem nods) (Penny comes out with platter full of fudge) Billy: Look at that delicious display, huh? Penny: Fresh from the oven. Billy: Try a bite, sir. Penny: Sir? Billy: He's seemed to have passed out. Penny: Hmmmm. (Clem nods) (two more victims enter, male victim carrying the female victim who has blood covered on her face, and each have torn clothes) Victim 2: Omigod. Please, call an ambulance. My wife is badly hurt. Victim 3: Ughh. Penny: Any type of candy you were looking for today? Victim 2: Candy? Penny: Yes, this is the world famous Norfolk Candy Store. I bet you can't just leave without tasting or buying something. Billy: Actually, we won't let you leave without buying anything. That's our guarantee. Our candy is so good. Victim 3: Help me. Penny: Some of our top gummy sales have been the soda pop and Mexican hats style gummies. Billy: We also have a wide variety of sugar free candy, sir. Victim 2: What the hell does that mean? Can't you help us? Penny: We're trying our best, sir. What about Pez? Billy: Harry Potter jelly beans? Victim 2: No. Penny: 2 and a half inch jawbreakers? Victim 3: No. Billy: Nerds? Victim 2: No. Billy: Candy buttons? Victim 3: No. Penny: Skybars? Tootsie rolls? Pixy Stix? Banana Splits? Burnt peanuts? Victim 2: No. No. No. No. God, no. Billy: Oh, I know what this couple wants. Victim 2: Finally, you get the picture. Victim 3: I see a hot white light. Billy: You want Gushers. (female victim's wound opens up and sprays blood all over her husband) Victim 2: I think w'?ll just try another means of business. Thank you for nothing. (victims exit) Penny: That's the problem with this store. People can't make up their minds. Billy: It's true. (Clem pokes at first victim with his broom) Penny: Maybe it was just me, but is it possible that that last couple was in distress? Billy: How so? Penny: They were wearing tattered clothing and were covered in filth. They were probably asking for a handout. Billy: Oh, geez. Well, we can't all be saints, Penny. Penny: True. (Clem rifles through the pockets of first victim) Billy: Get off that poor man, Clem? Can't you see he's trying to rest? (Clem nods) (fourth victim enters with a smile on his face) Penny: What can I do for you today? Victim 4: Hi, I was looking for those Mallo-Cups, but thought they were discontinued. Penny: You definitely came to the right place today. Victim 4: Did I? Billy: We have every candy imaginable at this establishment. Victim 4: I can tell I will have fun in this store. (as victim turns around to browse, we can see that there is a license plate embedded in his skull) Penny: You know, there is nothing better than running a candy store. Billy: You said it. (closeup to spokesperson at forefront of set) Spokesperson: What you have just witnessed was based on a true story. Candy store employees may be nice, but make no mistake about it. They are half-witted, ignorant people that don't seem to have a care in the world but candy. Help stop the outbreak of candy stores throughout the world, and we can end such tragic mishaps as these. (Clem is searching through pockets of spokesperson) Get out of there. (Clem nods) (fin) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
