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...Scarlett Johansson Artie...Bill Hader Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson!!!!!! (Scarlett Johansson comes out to much applause and waves to the audience) Scarlett Johansson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Alright. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I’ve always been a huge fan of the show, and it’s truly an honor to be chosen to headline it. It’s not easy being in the acting business with a last name that can be constantly misspelled. (audience laughs, and one audience member can be heard chuckling very loudly, as if sarcastically) You know, I actually grew up in New York, and am glad to be back in what I would like to call, my hometown. Artie: Cheap plug to the crowd. Unbelievable. And so original. Scarlett Johansson: In any event, I’m promoting..... Artie: (sarcastically) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah, movies. Obviously your strong suit. (clapping hands) Scarlett Johansson: Excuse me, sir. Is something the matter? Artie: (in Chicago accent) Oh no. I’m just loving this monologue. It’s flowing very well. In fact, it’s uproarious. Scarlett Johansson: Oh, glad you’re enjoying it. Anyway, it was just a blast being here in New York City for a week. A girl can get a lot of things done in an area like this. Shopping, that is. It’s remarkable what can’t be done in a day in NYC. There is just so much to do. Artie: Here’s one thing you can do: SHUT UP!!!!! Scarlett Johansson: What’s that, sir? Did you tell me to shut up? Artie: This is a sketch comedy show, right? It’s supposed to be funny, huh? Well, I’m your funny. Scarlett Johansson: You’re funny? Artie: Continue with your lame anecdotes. Scarlett Johansson: I was just talking about great it was to shop in New York City. Artie: I’ve seen it done on the Christina Applegate episode. Scarlett Johansson: I could talk about the incident I had with the dog. Artie: (rolling eyes) This should be really good. Scarlett Johansson: Okay, I was walking down Fifth Avenue to get an Orange Julius, when all of a sudden this funny puppy came walking up to me. Artie: Hey, what’s the difference between that dog and you? Scarlett Johansson: I.....I don’t know. Artie: You’re not wearing a flea collar. (audience “ooooohhhs”) Scarlett Johansson: That’s just awful. Get out of here. And don’t quit your day job. Artie: Actually, this is my job. Name’s Artie, professional heckler. I wander all over the country, making all performers feel uncomfortable. Why I even heckled the unhecklable Johnny Carson in ‘91. Of course, I got a huge beating from his cronies after the show in the parking lot. I have a gruesome scar on my head to this day. Scarlett Johansson: Ya know, heckling is just a rude type of job. Actually, I didn’t even know it was a job. Artie: Oh, sure, the money isn’t great, but I manage. (pause) BOOOOOO!!!!!! Scarlett Johansson: What? Artie: Sorry, but not all of my interruptions need clarity. So, continue on with your “speech.” Scarlett Johansson: I’m not sure if I want to now. Artie: Cool. Break time. (takes out bag of lunch with chips and soda and begins eating) Scarlett Johansson: You are a sad, sad man. Artie: (with food in his mouth) On with the show, toots. (drops a chip under seats) Hey, can you get that for me, buddy? Scarlett Johansson: Anyways, we have a great show for you tonight. Death Cab For Cutie is here! (applause) Stick around, and we’ll be right back. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
