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Mark... Jason Sudeikis Jamie... Scarlett Johannson Rohit... Kenan Thompson (open on an exterior shot of a building in a rather run-down city area. A board across the shop reads "99 Cent Store - Every Item Only 99 Cents. The shot fades to the interior of the store, the wall liked with merchandise on hooks. A couple, Mark and Jamie, are looking around. They are both casually dressed, and Jamie looks rather disgruntled. She turns to face Mark.) Jamie: (annoyed) I still can't believe we came here. Do you know how embarassing this is. Mark: Jamie hon, I don't know why you're so upset. We need to buy them, and I'm really short on cash. This was my only choice. Jamie: (scoffing) You are incredible, Mark. You are the only man I know who is stingy enough to shop for condoms at one of these bargain-basement landfills. Mark: (stern) Just because the stuff sold here is cheap doesn't necessarily mean it's bad, dear. A lot of the merchandise is just, um... generic. Jamie: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah, and generics are just as good as the original. (back to an agry tone.) That's just a code word for "crap", Mark. You're in marketing, I know all your tricks. Mark: (under his breath) Dammit. (in a normal voice.) Well, it's not like this was my first choice, honey. I'm flat broke. Those guys took almost everything I had. I'd be dead by now if I hadn't paid them, you know that! Jamie: Okay, I'll give you that. I know how brutal those student loan officers can be. (Mark nods in reply) But did we really have to come to a ninety-nine cent store to get our condoms? I mean, couldn't we have shopped at another discount store to buy them for less. You know, like Target? Mark: Target?! (he starts to laugh) Honey, I may be cheap, but I have some dignity. Jamie: Well, how about we just put it off for now, until you get your next paycheck? We don't need to have sex every weekend. Mark: (still laughing) Okay, now you're just being silly. Jamie: (flustered) But... but... (she groans in frustration) I just don't trust the stuff they sell here. I mean, take a look at these. (She pulls a pair of plastic-wrapped dish gloves off the wall and shows it to Mark.) Mark: They look fine to me. The design's not that bad. Jamie: Yeah, the design's okay, but check out the disclaimer. (She reads it) "Warning: The material used to make these gloves has been known to cause cancer in laboratory rats." (She puts the gloves back on the shelf and scowls) Mark: (nonchalant) Well that doesn't really matter to us. We have a dishwasher. Jamie: That's not what I... ugh, forget it! (They walk down the aisle up to the counter in the rear of the store. A few seconds later, the shop's owner, Rohit, comes out from the back room. He is wearing polyester clothes, a turban around his head, and has a beard. In essence, what people would expect a stereotypical Hindu clerk to look like. He speaks with a heavy Indian accent and is talking on a cell phone.) Rohit: (in a suave tone) Oh Neyla, you know just what to say to get my Ganges flowing. You hang up first. (a beat) No, you hang up first. (a beat) No, you hang up first. (a beat) Well, one of us will have to hang up soon. It costs three dollars a minute to call Agra and... (he notices Mark and Jamie standing there and is shocked) Holy Shiva! Customers! (he speaks into the phone again) I'm sorry sweetie, but I have to go. Love you my little curry dish. (He turns off his cell phone and stares at the couple flabbergasted) I didn't think anyone could be dumb enough to shop at this crappy little... oh, I mean (he shifts to a welcoming tone) Hello, and welcome to my humble ninety-nine cent store. My name is Rohit Stereotype. How may I help you today fine sir and madam? Jamie: (caught off-guard) I'm sorry, but did you say your last name is "Stereotype." Rohit: Yes. I had it changed when I came to America. For some reason it seemed to suit me best. Mark: Okay, well, it does fit you well based on your surroundings and mannerisms. Anyway, my girlfriend and I have a "big night" ahead of us, if you get my drift. And uh... (under his breath) I need to buy some condoms Rohit: (smiling) Ah, I understand. And you have made a wise choice coming to my humble shop to find such an item. When a man needs to put faith in an item whose quality determines the level of protection it offers against unwanted pregnancies or the transmission of venereal diseases, there is no reason that you should not save some money while seeking peace of mind. Mark: (turning to Jamie) See! That's what I told you. Rohit: (low, in his normal tone) You cheap bastard. (Mark turns back to the clerk and scowls at him, while Rohit smiles politely. Jamie steps between the two, not up for any trouble.) Jamie: Look, we just need something that will keep us safe for one night. My computer's acting up and I can't get anyone to look at it until Monday, so I need something to occupy myself for the weekend. Rohit: I can sympathize with your predicament madam, yes. And if I may extend some helpful words, if you are desperate to resume computer activities, my brother back in Agra recently took a tech-support job. Mark: (chuckling) Wow, you really are living up to your new name. Thanks for the offer, but we can wait until the weekend is over. Rohit: You do not have to. His support service is avaliable twenty-four hours a day day, three hundred and... Mark: (stern) I said we can wait. We already have something planned for the evening, remember? Rohit: (nervously) Oh, yes, of course sir. How foolish of me to forget. (he calms down) I will have to check in the back to see if I carry such products here. In the meantime, feel free to look around my humble shop and see you find anything else that piques your penny-pinching interests. (He points to the right) Over there you will find the discount music bin. You may just find a casette or CD with some songs you'd like. Jamie: Let me check that out. (She walks over to the bin and picks up a casette case. She notices the wrapper is gone) This has been opened already. Have these been listened to before? Rohit: (sheepish) I have a lot of free time here. Music helps keep away the boredom. Oh, I would personally recommend some music from my homeland. Those are some wicked beats. Mark: Aren't those Indian songs rather long? Rohit: Oh, they are not that lengthy. On a slow day like this I can get through half a tape before quitting. I would highly recommend such music for tonight's activities. If you can last longer than one of the songs, (he winks and points at Mark), you are quite the stud then, yes. Now, go ahead and look around. I will be back shortly. (Rohit heads back into the rear room while Jamie continues to rummage through the music bin.) Jamie: My God, he's got some freaky music here. (She picks up some tapes and CDs and switches to a joking tone.) Which would sound better to you, "The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings the best of Ludacris", or "The Osmonds on Broadway"? (she pauses) Oh, wait, there's something here on this Osmond one. (She reads) "Warning: Prolonged exposure to this music has been known to cause cancer in laboratory rats." (a beat) Now do you understand why so few people shop here, Mark? Mark: Yeah, because they're a bunch of paranoid fear-junkies who pass up bargains just because of some cancer concerns. Come on Jamie, keep an open mind. I'm sure if you look around you'll find something you'd like. Jamie: (sarcastic) Oh, of course. This store is just brimming with items I can't do without. (She looks at the stuff on the wall) Suction cups, partially-broken Christmas ornaments, combs and brushes missing half their teeth. (She points to an item on the wall and her tone becomes more sarcastic) Ooh, pom-poms! I go through dozens of those a day! Mark: All right, you've made your point. Well, unlike you, I have an open mind, and I bet you I can find something great here. (He walks offscreen to the left, leaving Jamie to herself. She looks around a little more and finds a box on a wall-mounted shelf. She picks it up and looks at it.) Jamie: Wow. Mark, you won't believe this. An entire Windows 98 program for less than a buck. Mark: (offscreen) Windows? (He loudly scoffs) They're asking for too much, then. Jamie: (muttering) I swear, that man and his Apple superiority complex. Mark: (offscreen) Hey Jamie, come and check these out. (Jamie puts the box back on the shelf and walks over to a small bookshelf where Mark has a series of books in his hands. They are all very thin, only a few pages between each cover.) Jamie: What is it? Mark: Just look at these freaky books. (He proceeds to pick each one off the stack to read the title, then puts it back down on the shelf.) "Celebrities Who Don't Think They're Better Than The Average American." "The World's Tastiest Haggis Recipes." "'Effective Holistic Remedies' by Penn and Teller." Jamie: (reading the titles) "Profiles of Black Republicans Admired by the African American Community." "Family-Friendly Vegas Vacation Spots." "The Iranian Fight Against Anti-Semitism." "The Funniest Episodes of 'Family Guy.'"... Wow, no wonder they're all so short. (She looks at a book on the shelf) That one's pretty thick. What is it? Mark: Let me check. (He glances at the book) "A Comprehensive Guide to Humorous Book Titles." (he scoffs) Yeah, like people find those "stupid titles" jokes funny anymore. Rohit: (offscreen) Sir and madam! I have found the cheap-ass prophylaptics you have been seeking, yes. Jamie: Oh good, he got them. Let's just pick out a pack and get out of here. (The couple walks back over to the counter where Rohit has a few boxes of condoms spread out on the countertop.) Rohit: These are the cheapest condoms that can be legally sold in the United States. I hope that they will be to your satisfaction. Mark: Trust me, they're going to be satisfactory. (He picks up a box and looks at the label.) "Confederates. Halting the run at your Poison Spring and ensuring the satisfaction of that special Jezebelle. The South will Rise Again." (a beat) Catchy, and nice referencing of a little-known Civil War battle. Jamie: (cautious) I don't know, Mark. I can't really put that much faith in a condom that's named after the losing side. Mark: (snippy) Well that never stopped you from making me wear Trojans, did it? (Jamie crosses her arms and sneers) Jamie: (bitterly) Fine. But we're not buying these until I'm sure they're suitable. (She turns to Rohit and reverts to a normal tone of voice.) Um, excuse me, but I have a few questions about these condoms. I have a mild allergy to latex, so we need to use condoms made of natural material. Do these come in a lambskin make? Rohit: As a matter of fact we carry just that madam, yes. (He picks up another box and gives it to Jamie.) These models are composed of lambskin from the finest source - gay lambs. Mark: (surprised) Gay lambs? How is that important? Rohit: Has a gay lamb ever gotten a sheep pregnant, sir? (a pause as the couple looks at each other, dumbfounded by the response. They then look at Rohit again.) Mark: (hesitant) Okay... how about spermicidal agents? We want to make sure there's no risk that any pregnancy can occur. Rohit: They come with or without spermicide. However, I should warn you that the chemical spermicide used has been shown to cause cancer in... Jamie: (interrupting) Lab rats. We know. Rohit: No, ma'am. It has been shown to cause cancer in every man who puts one of them on his pecker. (a pause of uncomfortable silence) Mark: Well, I guess we'll have to be a little more careful then, won't we hon? Heh heh. (He nervously chuckles before an increasingly skeptical Jamie) Um, how about flavored condoms? Rohit: Ah, yes, they come in a wide variety of flavors to represent the South: biscuits and gravy, grits, country fried chicken, porkchops and applesauce. (Jamie appears put off by these strange flavors) Admittedly, though, that one has a rather bitter aftertaste. Avoid the porkchops. Mark: (curious) How on earth would you know about... (a beat) you've got a lot of free time. (Rohit nods in recognition. The couple is slightly disgusted.) Jamie: (losing her patience) All right, fine. I'm not even going to ask about textures. We'll take a pack of smooth textured, unflavored, without the cancer-causing stuff. (To Mark) Is that good, honey? Mark: Yeah, yeah that's great. I'll pay for them and we can finally go. Rohit: Very good, very good sir. I do not want to keep you from engaging in sinful premarital sex any longer than necessary. Mark: Thank you. Just let me get some cash and... (he looks at the counter and notices something odd; there's no cash register.) Excuse me, but where's the cash register? How are you going to ring me up? Rohit: (snide) Sir, every item in this store is only ninety-nine cents. Do you really think scanning items at such fixed prices in necessary? (He points down to his jean pockets) These are my cash registers, sir. Mark: (embarrased) Oh, right. Sorry about that, heh. (He pulls some money out of his pocket.) I'm afraid the smallest bill I have is a five. Rohit: I am sorry sir, but exact change is required here. (Rohit grabs the bill out of Mark's hand and shoves it in his pocket. Mark and Jamie are taken aback by this.) Mark: (shocked) But you just said that... Rohit: (interrupting) I said exact change is necessary, but if you have more than what is needed, I must alleviate you of your excess funding to teach you a proper lesson, yes. Jamie: (frustrated) But what about his change? He should get four dollars back. Rohit: I am sorry, I am sorry, all sales are final. No refunds. Good day to you sir and madam. Mark: (angrily) Fine, but don't expect us to shop here again! (To Jamie) Let's go, honey. (The couple storm out of the store, leaving Rohit behind the counter. A few seconds after they've left, he sighs deeply.) Rohit: (depressed) I am alone again. (a beat, then he glances at his watch.) Hmm, two hours until I have to close up. (He reaches down below the counter, pulls out a portable stereo, and puts in a cassette.) That should give me just enough time to hear most of this song. (He turns on the stereo and Indian music starts to play. He begins to dance a rather jerky Cabbage Patch behind the counter.) (The scene cuts to a dimly lit bedroom late at night. Jamie is in the bed, the covers up to her shoulders. She is obviously naked. She calls to Mark who is offscreen.) Jamie: (impatient) Mark, I'm getting a little tired of waiting. Are we going to do this or not? (Mark walks into the shot, carrying something cupped in his hand.) Mark: Sorry if it took too long, Jamie hon. I had to get the wrapper off of the condom. Jamie: Huh. Well, this wasn't as long as it usually takes you. You got the plastic off pretty easily. Mark: Oh, they weren't wrapped in plastic. It was aluminum foil. (Jamie gets a worried look on her face) Jamie: (a little freaked out) Mark, we're not doing this. Mark: (calming) Jamie, darling, calm down. Look, so they're not the kind we're used to. So they seem to have cut a lot of corners without any concern for the health of their customers. But they take precautions. Look at this. (He opens his hand and gives a slip of paper to Jamie.) That was in the box, it's all the measures they take to make them effective. Jamie: (reading) "To ensure quality and safety, this package of Confederate condoms has been tested by Inspector Twenty-Two... repeatedly." (She quickly becomes grossed out.) Mark! Mark: Please Jamie, this is the only time we're going to have to do this. Just relax, we're going to have a great time. Cheap condoms be damned. (He kisses her on her cheek) It's safe. Trust me. (Jamie calms down a little, tosses the paper aside and cuddles up next to Mark. He reaches down under the sheets to put on his condom. A romantic jazz instrumental begins to play in the background. The scene fades back to the outside of the house, where the text "15 Minutes Later" appears at the bottom of the screen. It returns to the bedroom, where they've obviously completed the act. Mark is lying back with a satisfied look on his face, while Jamie looks like a deer caught in the headlights.) Mark: Wow. That... was... incredible. And you were dissing those cheap condoms. (He elbows Jamie, who doesn't flinch) Hell, those babies gave me the best feeling I ever had. I wish I you could have felt it too. Jamie: (completely stunned) I did. Mark: (surprised) What?! Jamie: I felt it. Everything. Mark: (freaked out) How is that possible. (He peeks under the covers, and looks up looking like he's seen a ghost.) There's no tip on that thing! Jamie: (still stunned) Didn't you notice? Mark: (losing it) I had other things on my mind! (A thought enters his head.) Check that slip! Get the slip! (Jamie reaches over and picks up the paper she read earlier. She passes it to Mark and he reads down the sheet.) "Confederate Condoms are dedicated to ensuring full sexual pleasure. Therefore, we have removed the tips of each of our condoms so that your enjoyment is not hindered.) (Mark and Jamie look at each other in total shock. The scene freezes, and a now fully clothed Mark and Jamie appear in the screen, shot from the chest up. They address the camera directly.) Mark: That was us five months ago, the day we learned a valuable lesson. Jamie: Yes. Never believe a man when he says "Trust me" if he's trying to get laid. Mark: (to Jamie, scowling) Not that lesson, Jamie. (back to the camera) We learned that when it comes to sexual protection, thriftiness is your enemy. Cutting costs in birth control will always result in heartache. And pubic lice. (He reaches down to scratch his groin) Apparently some of us had fidelity problems. (He glares at Jamie) Jamie: (haughty) Consider it karma. (back to a normal tone) But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, learn from our mistakes. Never be frugal when shopping for condoms, or any other birth control devices. You may think you're getting a bargain now... (the camera pulls back to reveal a very pregnant Jamie.) Mark: ... but nine months later, you'll find it will cost you a lot more. (fade out.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
