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Bill...Jason Sudeikis Petey...Seth Meyers Grim Reaper...Bill Hader Patron...Andy Samberg (interior of a bar, at counter is drunken man babbling on about nothing) Bill: You know, I can't remember the last time somebody said, "Hello!" to me. I just can't remember that. (bartender approaches) Petey: I said "Hello!" to you today, Bill. I say "Hello!" to you everyday you come in here and get soused. Bill: No, you didn't. You said "Hi!" There is a big difference between "Hi!" and "Hello!" For one, they're both spelled differently. (bartender exits out of sight, but most likely still in area) Hey, Petey, they're both different. That's all I'm saying. (tall Grim Reaper approaches counter and sits at stool, face can not be seen, and wearing prototypical cape) Petey: What can I get you, Grimmy? (Grim Reaper looks to right of bartender and nods) The usual rum and cola, coming up. Bill: So, I'm driving down the street, right. I'm minding my own business, and who do you think I see walking up the road? Who do you think? (hits Death on shoulder) Huh? Can you guess? Can you guess who I saw coming the road? You won't believe it when I tell you. I see, walking up the road, the one, the only, David Hasselhoff. I kid you not. Plain as day. Not as big as I thought he was, though. I yell out to him, "Hey, David Hasselhoff, the guy who was in that Baywatch show of a different name or something or other." He looked at me, and kept on walking, at a much faster pace, I might add. Boy, oh boy. It was funny, though, because I don't remember Hasselhoff being that short. He was about 5' 4". Odd. (bartender comes back and gives Death drink) Petey: You know, I'm pretty sure David Hasselhoff is not that short. Bill: Well, it could have been Shaquille O'Neal; I'm not sure. Anyways, the guy was wearing a backpack and was playing with some sort of video game. Petey: Are you sure it wasn't just a kid walking home from school? Bill: (pauses, continues) So, what's your deal, big guy? (Reaper doesn't answer, sips from drink) Hello? Anybody in there? I don't mean to be a dick, but you look like a cult member. You aren't one of those cult members that drinks Drano to go to Heaven or something like that, huh? Or are you like some celebrity or something? (no answer) I tell you, I could?ve been an actor. I had a bit part in a movie once. Boy, you wouldn't believe the name of the film if I told you. Petey: What movie? Bill: I was in Toy Story. I was one of the extras. Don't mean to brag or anything but I think I did a pretty good job. (belches) Sorry about that, Grimmy. Grimmy? Is that your name? Hey, what's your deal anyway? You work where? (no answer) Man, you are rude. I'll tell you that right now. God, you are an ass. You don't deserve my input on anything. That's right! (stops) Look, I'm sorry, man. (starts to cry) I just....I just get so damn mad. Petey: You alright, Bill? Bill: Yes, I'm alright. I'm no baby, that's for sure. I'm having trouble at work, again. I show up an hour late for the second time in a week, and my boss goes insane over it. Apparently, it's a chore to be late at the NASA technological repair sites. Believe me, the government can afford my being late for putting together a space probe for the cost of billions of dollars for the expectation that it may bring us some information of space. (pretends to whack off with hand) Come on. This country doesn't have a clue, am I right? (nudges Death, he shakes his head) I'm in this grocery store, right....(Grim Reaper sighs heavily)...And I ask the bag boy to give me some paper bags. Paper bags, you know. These bags that are made of paper and such...(Grim Reaper nods his head aggressively, losing patience)...Anyway, I ask for paper, and the boy says that there isn't any. No paper!!!! No paper bags!!!! No paper, can you believe that? Can you believe that? I couldn't believe it. (Death looks up, as if rolling eyes) So, I asked for plastic instead. They had plastic. (takes a big gulp of beer, and knocks on counter as if to ask for more) My body needs an evacuation, and I'll be right back. (puts hands on Death's shoulders, as if friends with him, exits for now) Petey: Can't you do something about that? (Reaper shrugs shoulders) (patron enters) Patron: Excuse me, I just turned 21 today. Petey: Is that right? Well, you're probably looking to get a beer. Patron: Yes. I thought I would go the hard route, and actually wait until I reached the designated age to drink. Just like I will wait to have any sexual relations with any woman until I marry her. It's good to be alive. (Reaper puts out skeletal hand, and patron shakes it, instantly dying and collapsing on counter) Petey: So, that's what you came in here for? (Reaper nods) Isn't that a little sick and unfair? (Reaper takes skeletal arms and pretends to play violin) (Bill comes back, sees body) Bill: Let me guess; a newbie. One beer and the kid goes down. Not me, though. I'm a warrior when it comes to alcohol. So, what were talking about? Ah, yes. Snow is heavier in this day in age, unlike when I was a kid. This is posing a problem...(talks lightly and inaudibly, Death gets up and salutes bartender goodbye) (while Bill is talking, Death continues to touch patrons throughout the bar, killing them) (fin) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
