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Greg...Peter Sarsgaard Friend...Horatio Sanz Announcer(voice)...Chris Parnell Beelzebub...Fred Armisen Vendor...Amy Poehler Referee...Will Forte Hockey Player...Kenan Thompson Robert Goulet(voice)...Darrell Hammond Spectators...Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Bill Hader, Darrell Hammond, Seth Meyers, Finesse Mitchell, Chris Parnell, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig, John Lutz, Akiva Schaffer, J.B. Smoove, Jorma Taccone (many spectators sitting in arena getting ready to watch hockey) Greg: I'm just so glad hockey is back. The playoffs will be here soon, and it's just so great. Friend: Tell me about it, Greg. In fact, I'll even go so far as to say that Canada may not be so bad after all by inventing a game like this. Greg: Ditto. Friend: Ditto? Who says ditto? Greg: Look, let's not let it spoil this evening, the game is about to start. Announcer(voice): And now, your New York Rangers will be taking on the Boston Bruins in a few moments. Greg: It's too bad, though, about the deal thing. Friend: What deal? Greg: Oh, the deal that the hockey association made with the devil. Friend: That rumor was true. Greg: Well, yes. In order for there not to be another lockout this season, the only way the higher-ups and hockey players could reach a deal was with Beelzebub. (Beelzebub seen shaking hands with several crowd members walking up and down the walkways) Beelzebub: Hey, enjoy the game, huh? Good to see you here. What's happening? (Beelzebub exits) Greg: Anyways, the changes that were made have been great, albeit strange. Friend: Yeah, I enjoy the shootouts after an overtime tie. Greg: Not to mention the addition of more room for offensive play. Friend: I don't like the idea of a suspension if someone starts a fight in the last five minutes of a game. Greg: Yeah. And I'm not too happy about the fact that a call of tripping leads to the player being completely shaven from head to toe. Friend: Hey, you have to make compromise for things to work. Greg: Indeed. Friend: Again, who the hell says indeed. Greg: Ooooh, the games starting. (stock footage of hockey game starting) Friend: Wow, the competition is fierce tonight. Greg: Tell me about it, look at the aggressiveness. (footage of man checking guy into boards) Friend: Whoa! This rocks! (slap high-fives to each other; vendor approaches) Vendor: Hot dogs, get your hot dogs! Chips! Soda! Beer! Greg: Hey, beer lady, over here. (both grab beers and popcorn) Friend: Oh, this is just paradise, isn't it? Greg: Oh yeah. (vendor exits for now) Friend: Oh look at that. (referee approaches screen) Referee: Charging. (hockey player is put in booth, and hundreds of bugs begin to spew down onto him) Hockey Player: Oh, geez. I hate the earwigs. Greg: Isn't that a little strange? Friend: Definitely. I don't think I?ve ever seen a black hockey player. Greg: The dark netherworld's rules, I guess. Friend: Oh, look. (stock footage of hockey game played in reverse, or rewind) Greg: No wonder this guy hasn't had an assist all year. A puck hog, is what he is. Friend: It's starting to get out of control down there. (footage shows hockey game playing upside down; in other words, playing on the ceiling) (people looking up) Greg: Hang on, guys. Friend: This beer tastes strange. Greg: Yeah. Lady, hey, lady. (vendor returns) Vendor: Fingers! Dog Ears!! Mound Of Dirt On Stale Sourdough! Greg: Miss! Miss! Vendor: Yes? Greg: What kind of beer is this? Vendor: O'douls! Friend: (spits out beer) Don't you have anything with alocohol? Vendor: Sure, I'll go get you some. Greg: Hey, everything can't be perfect. Friend: Hey, remind me when she gets back to get some Dog Ears. (footage is now a still photo of a guy in a speedo with a hockey stick mugging for the camera) Greg: The action is starting to slow down. Friend: Oh, come on. That was just unnecessary. (footage of chicken running away from a fox) Greg: Now, what was the point in that, huh? Did he really have to do that? (footage of man painting a barn) Friend: It's almost as if this team doesn't know what it's doing. Greg: They need to get their act together. (footage from ?Casino? when mugs are beating Nicky's brother with aluminum baseball bats) Friend: There we go. Get back on track. Greg: Hey, what's that down there. Friend: What? Greg: That thing sticking out there. Friend: I don't know. (footage of scarecrow in corn field) Greg: Well, whatever it is, it looks like it doesn't belong there. Friend: Well, the end of the first period. Greg: Ugh, never liked the zamboni thing. Friend: I guess this is the part when they shoot t-shirts out at us, huh? Greg: No, it looks like something different. (shot of real footage of WWII gattling gun) Friend: Point it this way! Greg: Ah. They never point it in my direction. Friend: Now, who's that? Announcer(voice): And now, our special guest tonight, Robert Goulet! (footage of Robert Goulet in Las Vegas coming out onstage) Greg: Oh, for the love of God! Friend: Ugh! (voiceover of Robert Goulet played while showing spectators in arena) Robert Goulet (voice): It's great to be here in New York, but while we're waiting for the second period to begin, it is now time to bow in our hockey Lord's glory. (lights dim to black and red, and everyone gets on their knees) (Beelzebub appears on big screen, with uncharacteristicly serene voice) Beelzebub: You are all in my clutches. Soon, the entire world will be consumed in the sport of hockey. Sure, the numbers don't prove that by now, but it will rise ever so higher. MARK MY WORDS!!!!!! (shot of spectators looking serious; Beelzebub smiles) Enjoy the rest of the game, all! (spectators get up, lights disappear, and everybody claps) Greg: That's another problem with the game. Friend: You're looking at the negative side. So, we have to drool over the devil. Big deal. It's only during intermission. Greg: Yeah, you're right. Look at Goulet! (footage of guy's head exploding in 'scanners?) Friend: Wow!!!! Greg: I still say that's the best way to start a new period. Let's keep our fingers crossed for Geraldo Rivera next week. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
