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Sarge...Steve Martin Phillips...Seth Meyers Hanes...Andy Samberg Renzoni...Fred Armisen Freeland...Jason Sudeikis Lattrell...Kenan Thompson Price...Bill Hader Contini...Horatio Sanz Decker...Chris Parnell Jones...Finesse Mitchell Soldier...Will Forte Lunatic...Darrell Hammond Nurse...Amy Poehler Woman 1...Rachel Dratch Woman 2...Tina Fey Woman 3...Maya Rudolph Woman 4...Kristen Wiig (several soldiers are hiding in bunker, some are holding weapons, others are sitting at table looking through papers) (throughout sketch, bombs can be heard blasting, firepower and sometimes screams) Sarge: Men! We need a plan of attack at this. There is no easy way of getting around it. We're in trouble. A lot of trouble. Phillips: We can do it, Sarge. We can do it!!! Sarge: Don't be so heroic yet. There are many problems that could arise. Big problems. Hanes: Let's do it! Yeah!!!!!!!!! Sarge: Shut up, boy! Hanes here is getting too carried away. We have a tough mission ahead of us. Phillips: What is it, Sarge? Sarge: Well, Phillips, it's strange, really. But, we have to be brave. We cannot question anything that our superiors give out to us. We must act out on all orders. Renzoni: The suspense is killing me. Freeland: Come on, Sarge. Tell us. Lattrell: Yeah, tell us. Sarge: Well, our mission today is to find out.... Price: Who stole that painting from the French museum? Contini: Where Hitler is hiding out? Sarge: Nope. We have to find out for our captain: the names of all seven dwarves. And fast. (soldiers are puzzled and murmur) I told you it wasn't going to be easy, but it will be a challenge. And we can all do it. Renzoni: But why? Sarge: No need to ask questions, Renzoni. This is a task, and it has to be done. Contini: It's a suicide mission is what it is. Sarge: Calm down, everyone. It's not going to be a suicide mission, Contini. We can do it. I have faith in each and everyone of you. Well, except for Price there, because of his 12 toes. There's just something so unsettling about them. Price: It's just a birth defect, Sarge, I.... Sarge: I don't want to here another word. Now, we don't have any pens around, so we'll have to start from scratch. Anybody want to start? Decker: This is just so ridiculous. Sarge: Never mind your opinion on the matter, Decker. Now, Freeland, you start. Freeland: Um, okay. Grumpy, Dopey, um....I...well, there's Grumpy.... Sarge: Lattrell, what about you? Lattrell: Well, there's Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy. (pauses) Grumpy. (pause) Sleepy. (pause) Sleepy. Sarge: Okay, we're getting nowhere fast. I heard Grumpy, Sleepy and Dopey. That's three. Hanes: There was no Sleepy. Renzoni: Of course there was. Phillips: Sleepy was the one that slept all of the time. Price: Sleepy was a dwarf. Freeland: I can see there being a Sleepy. Contini: Wasn't there a Dopey? Freeland: We already said Dopey. Sarge: Everybody quiet now. I've got Dopey, Sleepy, and Grumpy. Three. I'll remember them, don't worry. Continue. Men, make me proud. Phillips: Happy. Happy, was one. Sarge: Happy, that's good. We're halfway there. Lattrell: That doesn't sound right. Renzoni: What? Lattrell: Happy. It doesn't seem like that is right. Phillips: I'm pretty sure there was a Happy. Lattrell: I doubt it. (both start pushing each other) Sarge: Break it up. Break it up. Look at what war does to men. Turns brothers against each other. We have to work together. Happy is most likely one of the seven dwarves. Okay? (soldiers nod) Price: I believe Hungry was a dwarf. Renzoni: Maybe. Hanes: I think Snoozy was a dwarf. Contini: Snoozy is too similar to Sleepy. Freeland: But, Snoozy might be one of the dwarfs. Sleepy isn't really a confirmation. We are just starting out. Decker: Does anybody find it totally odd that we have to do such an absurd trivial observation for an army general? Sarge: Shut your mouth, private. We were making breakthrough here. Contini: I can't agree that Snoozy is one of the dwarfs. Phillips: Is it dwarfs or dwarves? Renzoni: I believe it is dwarves. Although, the film says dwarfs. Hanes: I thought it said dwarves. Price: I don't remember. Freeland: How do you spell dwarf, anyway? Contini: D-W-O-R-F. Phillips: No, it's D-W-A-R-F. Sarge: Girls, girls, girls. We are getting off of the task at hand. It is immaterial as to how the word dwarf is spelled. We are running out of time. (loud scream of someone being shot down above bunker) We must find out the names of the seven dwarves. Period. Phillips: Doc was one. Freeland: Oh, yes. Lattrell: And I think Sneezy. Yeah, Sneezy. Phillips: I think Sneezy was a dwarf, yes. So, that's five right, Sarge? Sarge: Yes. Sneezy, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy....um... Price: Sarge? Don't you remember? Sarge: Um, yes. Of course. It was....Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Doc....oh dammit. Freeland: I knew this would happen. Sarge: Of all the bad luck. No pens in this single platoon. (men screaming as bomb goes off) It's just unfair. (soldier comes down with wounded German soldier) Jones: Look, Sarge. Sarge: Jones, what do you got for me? Jones: This German soldier has vital information that I think you will find interesting. Sarge: To ending the war? Jones: (confused) No, the dwarves thing. He knows for sure that there is no Snoozy. Unfortunately, he can not rule out a Hungry. Soldier: (in agony, but replying) I'm 50/50 on it. I really don't know. Decker: This is just stupid. It's quite simple. Doc, Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy and Happy. All seven dwarves. Sarge: My God! I think you got all of them. Say it again. Decker: Of course. Doc. Bashful. Um....Grumpy. Sleepy. Snory. No wait. Not Snory. Grumpy. No wait, said Grumpy. Happy. Ah.....oh crap. I forgot. Phillips: You forgot Slappy. Decker: There was no Slappy. Freeland: No Slappy. Sleazy? Was there a Sleazy? (soldiers are arguing and begin pushing each other around, in-fighting begins, sergeant tries to break it up) Sarge: Stop this, stop this instant. War is hell!!!!!!!!!! (cut to patient sitting up in hospital bed rocking back and forth and writing) Lunatic: (reads out loud as he writes) June 28, 1944. I have still not received your last assignment as to verification of all seven dwarves. I am to assume that you all killed each other in dissension, or in combat. Whichever. In any event, I will be looking forward to immediate correspondence as to your whereabouts in the afterlife. Goo-goo! Ga-ga! The End. (rips out paper from typewriter) Nurse: I see that you are enjoying your new typewriter and military based stamping pad. What on earth could you be writing about? Lunatic: Oh, top secret. By the way, can you get me some more pills? The walls are coming alive again, and I'm afraid they'll try to sell me vacuum cleaners. Nurse: I'll be right back, honey. (crazy person begins typing again) Lunatic: Dear nurses ward. It has come to my attention that the color white is deemed unpatriotic and everything of cream color must be burned. You are now to wear only green, with red polka dots. That is an order. Signed, Reginald P. Honeyfeather, General/Esquire/Pianist. (stops) (cut to women in new clothing) Woman 1: I don't know about this. Woman 2: It's just ugly. Woman 3: I kind of like it. Woman 4: That's probably because you're sleeping with him. Woman 3: Maybe. Maybe not. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
