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Christopher Bijou... Steve Martin Seller... Darrell Hammond Frank... Fred Armisen (the scene opens on a well-lit jewelry store. Customers are browsing the display cases in the background, some are making purchases. Romantic string music plays during the scene. A middle-aged man dressed in an elegant tuxedo stands in the center of the store by a display case. He sniffs a rose, then puts it in a vase on the case and turns to face the camera.) Bijou: Ah, diamonds. What finer expression of love is there than a transparent rock that has been responsible for bloodshed and turmoil in third-world nations for centuries? Hello, I'm Christopher Bijou, founder and proprietor of the Diamond Dump. (a beat) Yes, I know the name is incredibly stupid, but advertising isn't my strong point. With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, I can sympathize with men desperately seeking the right gift for the women they love. It can be a difficult process, and so many times that ideal present is far out of your price range. That is why the Diamond Dump is proud to offer hundreds of fine gemstones, jewels and adornments at incredible bargain prices. (He stands up and waves, gesturing to the items in the store behind him.) Bijou: Choose from elegantly crafted rings, bracelets, earrings, necklaces and more for merely a third the standard retail price. Yes, you heard me correctly: one third retail price. Now some of you may be wondering how we can afford to sell these jewels at such bargains. It's quite simple, really - we smuggle them into the country. (The scene changes to a dark alley in a large foreign city, poorly illuminated by dirty streetlamps. Bijou walks down the alley, approaching a man with a tuxedo and thin mustache that screams "I'm doing something illegal.") Bijou (V/O): You heard me correctly. The Diamond Dump has connections to an international smuggling ring dealing in jewels and precious metals. We have ties to cartels operating out of London, Tel Aviv, Antwerp, Johannesburg and Colombo, all eager to unload their dirty, dirty goods to materialistic Americans. Other jewelers may cut out the middleman, but we cut out worldwide law enforcement. And that means even greater savings for our customers. (As he narrates, Bijou is shown in the scene giving the seller a large bag with a dollar symbol blatantly displayed on it. The seller smiles and rubs his hands happily. He then gives Bijou a large bag with a large image of a diamond on it. They shake hands, nod and walk away from each other.) (The scene then cuts to a hotel room where Frank, a well-dressed man, is seen taking handfulls of jewels. He moves his hands down out of the view of the camera, moving them into something that can't be seen.) Bijou (V/O): These runners come to me because they're aware of the fidelity and reliability that comes with the Bijou name. That, and I'm one of the best fences in the tri-state area. But I can't take all the credit for the success of my enterprise. The Diamond Dump employs dozens of dilligent workers to carry our goods. For example, Frank here is one of our most trusted and experienced mules. Frank: (in a seductive whisper) Federal agents are primarily focused on people they assume are smuggling drugs. So ninety percent of the time, you can get away with transporting any other illegal materials. If you have a creative method of concealing them. (Frank then lifts up his hands to the camera's view, revealing that he was stuffing the gems in a condom, much like drug smugglers do. He holds the condom over his head, leans his head back and opens his mouth wide, slowly lowering it down.) (The scene then cuts to an airport lobby where a "weeping" Frank is transporting a casket through security.) Bijou (V/O): Frank makes an excellent point. Creative smuggling techniques have been a long-standing business practice for my family. The Bijou clan has developed numerous techniques to get our goods past the authorities: from stuffing roast chickens and turkeys with cocaine throughout the eighties to having showgirls carry bottels of bootleg liquor in their hoochies during Prohibition. As a matter of fact, my family effectively transported numerous slaves into the country back in the eighteen seventies. (A beat) Yes, I know slavery was deemed illegal by that point, but my great-grandfather didn't put much stock in the Emancipation Proclamation. And as his journal indicates, you'd be amazed how many Africans you can fit in a cracker barrel. As you can see, we're always working on new methods to make the law look foolish, all to provide our customers with the goods they need at prices they can afford. (in the scene, Frank successfully takes the coffin through the security station, the guard never bothering to open it up. He takes it to the loading dock, rests it by a conveyor belt, then turns to the camera and smiles.) Frank: (in a seductive whisper) Customs officers never inspect caskets. (He opens the casket, showing a slightly-decayed corpse. He then pulls out a pocket knife from his jacket and cuts open the cadaver's chest. Frank reaches in, rustles around and pulls out a handful of diamonds... plus a lung. He looks at the lung, groans in disgust and tosses it over his shoulder. Frank then wipes his blood and bile-covered hand on his tuxedo and resumes a nonchalant attitude.) (The scene shifts back to the Diamond Dump, with Bijou speakig to the camera.) Bijou: And it's because of our innovative trafficking techniques that we are able to provide you with such marvelous bargains. Behold. (He holds a silver ring up to the camera.) This sterling silver ring can be yours for merely thirty dollars. (He puts the ring down then holds up a golden necklace to the camera.) This heart pendant, crafted from eighteen-karat gold and embedded with a dozen diamonds, only seventy-five dollars. (He puts that down and holds up a brooch in the shape of the fox.) An elegantly-sculped platinum brooch adorned with sapphire, emerald and pink pearls fished from the deepest trenches. Beauty such as this for one hundred and twenty dollars! Now, I can imagine that some of you think the sculpting and setting can be very costly. But I can assure you, it's a rather inexpensive process. (He holds the brooch closer to the camera.) You'd be surprised at how skilled child laborers are at metallurgy, even when they're only working for a penny an hour. And, they can be classified as a tax write-off. That's my helpful hint to all of you. (He puts the brooch down.) As you can see, our prices cannot be beat. With bargains such as these, it's no surprise that our competitors are struggling to match our sales. (Frank sticks his head into the scene and looks at the camera.) Frank: (in a seductive whisper) That, and we're stealing their inventories. (He pulls his head back out of the shot) Bijou: Thank you for reminding me, Frank. I'd almost forgotten. So come down to the Diamond Dump and find that perfect gift for that special woman in your life. A gift that says "My love for you is greater than international contraband laws." We promise you, our jewelery will make her an accessory that knows how to accessorize. And this week only, for every purchase over five hundred dollars, you can have a complimentary gift. Choose between a box of Cuban cigars or a Siberian tiger cub. I hope to see you soon. (He nods approvingly to the camera, gives a sly wink, and picks up the rose to smell it again.) (fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
