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Mike...Steve Martin Nicole...Kristin Wiig Priest...Fred Armisen Mourner...Chris Parnell (Open on stock footage of a church and billboard which says "Patterson Funeral 2PM", Dissolve to the Church interior where the service is being held in progress. The Priest is seen at the pulpit introducing the service.) Priest: Today we are here to honor a man who has brought great joy to the many lives he has touched for many of his 56 years on this earth. Today, we mourn David Patterson not in sadness, but with great respect; because I'm sure that if David were alive today, he would not want this event to be a maudiln one... (As the priest continues speaking, we cut to a couple in the back of the room having a whisper quiet discussion) Mike: I just don't understand why I'm here. Nicole: What do you mean, Mike? You're here because you were good friends with David, and that's why everybody else is here. Mike: Well, that's just it, I barely knew the guy. The only time I ever saw him was when I walk past his cubicle on the way to the break room. Other than that, I never knew him. I didn't even know his name until I found out he died. Nicole: Well he must have know you in some way, right? Mike: No, he was just another worker. Maybe he just wanted to have everyone in the office show up out of sympathy. Nicole: Well, whatever the reason, It was nice for his family to invite you. Mike: (SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, at least I got a day without pay out of it. Nicole: Shhhh! (Return to the priest continuing the service.) Priest: ...And David was loved by not only his family, but by Friends and even Foes alike in that certain special way that the Foes would still respect a man... (Return to Mike & Nicole, Still Speaking relatively low.) Mike: ...I mean, my not being in the office today is leaving me out $500! Why they don't cover this as Personal time is beyond me. Nicole: This is not the time or the place to discuss that. Mike: I don't care, Nicole! That money could help pay the bills, that's all I'm saying. Nicole: Can we talk about this later? This is a Funeral, try to be a little more Civil. (Return to Priest) Priest: ...And now to help deliver the Eulogy for this service, is one of David's oldest and Dearest friends and fellow co-worker for the last 24 years, Mike Champion. Mike? (Mike has a Stunned Look on his face) Mike: (To Nicole) Did he just... (To Priest) Me? Priest: Yes, would you come up please? Mike: Oh, I couldn't Possibly... Priest: Don't be silly, It was David's dying wish for you to deliver the Eulogy. Mike: It was? Excuse me...(Whispering To Nicole) Why me? What the hell am I supposed to say, I don't know the guy. Nicole: Just try to say nice things and show a little emotion... Priest: Mike, We're all waiting. Mike: Just a Minute. (To Nicole) This is a bonafide nightmare! I can't say stuff about a guy that I don't know... Nicole: They don't need to know that. Just go up there and talk, Remember, say Nice things. Mike: (Heavy Sigh) OK, here I go. (Mike approaches the pulpit and begins to speak with hesitations) Well, well...There he is...Good old David...Just lying comfortably now...I had the pleasure of knowing David for the past...Oh boy, it doesn't seem like 24 years, and, uh...What a ride it's been. Then again, life is very much like a ride...What with their ups and downs, speed ups and slowdowns, and let's not forget about the sharp curves up ahead and the occasional Slippery when wet conditions that it brings us sometimes... (Loud Sobbing heard from afar, The Priest comes up to Mike.) Priest: (Whispering) Uh, Mike, You do know that he died in a Car Accident, Right? Mike: (Awkwardly) Uh...I know now. I'm sorry, I was so overcome by this...Uh, Great...Yeah, that's it...Great Man's death that I forgot about how it happened, I apologize. But getting back to David, he really was the best friend that a guy could have. He used to do a lot for me, like this one time before I got married, I got this apartment with two Female roomates. But the landlord wouldn't let me live there unless I was gay. Needless to say... (A Mourner Interupts) Mourner: ...Um, Excuse me, Sorry to interupt but that story sounds suspiciously like the plot to the TV show "Three's Company". Mike: Really? Yes, well...You know the old Saying of how Life Imitates art, right? Well this was one of those times. He came to my defense every time the landlord came in and acted all suspicious about things. As a matter of fact I remember that this whole charade lasted for about 7 or 8 years until it all came to an end around...May, I think of 1984... (Mourner Interupts, more annoyed) Mourner: Uh, Huh, And When did you start living in that Apartment? Mike: (Hesitant) Hmmm...I would have to say sometime around March 1977. Mourner: OK, so you're saying that you, two females and my cousin David all Shared an apartment as long as you both pretended you were gay From around the late 70s to the Early 80s, the exact same time that "Three's Company" had its initial run on Television? Mike: Geez, why are we splitting hairs here? Mourner: Because I was a technical director on the set of "Three's Company" in the Early 80s, and I know for a fact that David was living In Cape Cod at that time. Your story never happened except on TV. Mike: (Pretending to be Surprised) Oh, David! This whole Funeral is about David? I'm so sorry, I must have been thinking of that Time share I rented with my friend Jack. Mourner: (Annoyed) Yeah right, And would this "Jack" happen to have the last name of "Tripper"? Mike: (Heavy Sigh) Look, can I just do this Eulogy now that I know who it is we're mourning here? (Mourner Sits down) OK, In all seriousness, David really was a man who made an otherwise ordinary day into a memorable one...(Hesitating) Uh...He could...Turn the world on with his smile. And at the same time, he could take a nothing day and suddenly make it seem all worthwhile... (Mourner Interrupts again) Mourner: Oh come on! That's the theme from "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"! Mike: I was Paraphrasing, thank you very much! Now let me finish...David was the kind of man who had your back no matter what the outcome, he was always going to be there. I guess what I'm trying to say about this great man...Quite Simply is...Thank you for being a friend (Mike becomes more dramatic in his delivery) Traveling down the road and back again...His heart was true, he was a Pal AND a Confidant... (Mourner Interrupts Yet again, Visibly Angered.) Mourner: For Christ Sake, That's "The Golden Girls"! Did you even know David? Mike: I should certainly hope so, The Priest said that I knew him for 24 years, so that's gotta mean something, right? (Priest Approaches Mike while he chews out the mourner) Priest: Excuse me, Mike..? (Mike is more angry) Mike: I mean, I was asked to do this on the fly! 24 years is a lot of time to remember, a lot of details to reflect upon, I can't just pull random moments outta my Ass here at a moment/s notice! Priest: Mike...! (Mike is at peak anger with the mourner) Mike: And let me tell you one thing, Mr. "Technical Director", there's a lot of pressure to be up here to say good things about a stiff, Whether you knew who he was or not! And that goes for the rest of the room! (Mike's Wife Nicole begins to Interject) Nicole: Mike, please stop this! You're making a scene! Mike: Oh sure, now you start. You know, I didn't even want to come here today. I could have been making money to help feed the family, but instead, I'm mourning a guy that I don't even know! And if ANY of his real Friends in this room have a problem with that...Well Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusse Meeeeeeeeeeee!!! Priest & Nicole: MIKE!!! Mike: What?! Priest: I mis-read the card, I wasn't asking for Mike Champion, I was asking for Mike Champaign to speak! (Mike is Mortified) Mike: Champaign...? OK, I see how you can make that mistake. (TO MOURNERS) Uh ladies and gentlemen, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I think it's safe to say that I wouldn't mind jumping into this coffin and joining David after what I did... Mourner: (Still Angered) Well, you're in luck, it's big enough to fit two. Hop In! Mike: Oh, Shut Up! Come on Nicole, We're outta here. (Mike and Nicole begin to exit the Funeral home) Nicole: The "Three's Company" thing Was a little too much. Mike: Well, it was either that or a "Jeffersons" reference and I loved that show... (VOICES TRAIL OFF) Priest: And now, let us end this service with a singing of one of David's Favorite songs. Please consult your program for the lyrics. Doris? (An Organist Starts up a familiar tune.) Mourners: (SINGING) "Fish don't Fry in The Kitchen, Beans Don't Burn on the Grill. Took a whole lot of trying, Just to get up that hill..." (Mourners continure singing.) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
