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...Steve Martin
Don Pardo (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin! [Steve Martin comes out of the door and stands at homebase. The audience applauds while the theme song ends.] Steve Martin: [to the audience, calmly] Thank you. Thank you. [The audience finishes applauding.] Steve Martin: Thanks. It's great to be back here in New York City hosting "Saturday Night Live" for a record fourteenth time. For those of you keeping score, that's two more than Alec Baldwin, four more than the great Buck Henry, and fourteen more than the casts of all thirty-two "Law and Order" shows combined. [The audience laughs] Steve Martin: You know, I'm sort of embarrassed to admit this, but I don't have a monologue prepared for tonight. Prince did a seven-hour set for the cast and crew yesterday, and then today he took us to an amusement park out in New Jersey, so that ate up all of my time. That guy sure loves his rollercoasters. I don't know why he puts a paper bag on his head during the rides though, but to each his own. Oh, here's something interesting. Did you know that he's an ACTUAL prince? Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but he REALLY is. I just checked before the show. He comes from a pretty famous lineage. His mom? Queen Latifah. Yep, it's true. I'm not making that up. Go look it up on Google and see for yourself. Go ahead. Google it. You'll see. But, I digress. So, anyway, before Prince ruined everything, I was planning on doing this whole big production number about how I'm "the host with the most" since I hold the record for hosting this show the most number of times. I was going to march around the studio with the cast, even Finesse, and we were going to be singing lines like, "Hey, it's Steve! He's hosted fourteen times, so that means he's deserving of this rhyme! He's the host with the most but he doesn't like to boast...unless you make less money than him, and you probably do if your name is Tim!" Something like that. But, as I said, I didn't have time to finish it. So, instead, I'm going to answer a question. Not just any question, but a question twelve years in the making. You see, the last time I hosted this show was in 1994, twelve LONG years ago, and the question I keep getting from people when I'm walking on the street, eating in a restaurant, or purchasing adult items is,"Steve, why haven't you hosted the show lately? Don't you know you're the absolute best host ever?" And my answer to that is always"Yes." But, seriously, there's a good reason why I haven't been on the show in so long, and I'll tell you in just a moment. First, however, I want to say that I deeply regret not being here for the past twelve years. I missed so much during that time. The Will Ferrell era, the Jimmy Fallon era, the all-too-brief Dean Edwards era...I wasn't here for any of that. I even didn't get to be here when my son, Ricky, was the musical guest a few times. You all know him, right? Hot young Latin singer with all the right moves. He takes after his old man. Who do you think taught him to shake his bon bon? But, as sad as it was to miss all of that, I can at least take some satisfaction knowing that I'm here now at the dawning of a new age...the Andy Samberg era! Okay, so now you're on the edge of your seat wondering why I didn't host for so long. Well, at long last, the answer can be revealed. It's pretty simple, actually. The last time I was here, there was some..."inappropriateness" on my part towards one of the cast members. There was a legal battle, and so I wasn't allowed to host the show while it was still going on. We finally settled the case last month, and so here I am, no worse for wear. [The audience applauds to acknowledge Steve Martin's return] Steve Martin: [to the audience, unimpressed] Oh, thanks. I couldn't be here when Eagle-Eye Cherry and Bubba Sparxx were the musical guests, and so that's all I get to make up for it? [The audience applauds again with much more enthusiasm] Steve Martin: [satisfied] Good, that's better. You're getting there. Now, if I can take a moment, I just want to say... [The camera zooms in on Steve Martin's face and he stares directly into it] Steve Martin: [apologetically] Janeane, I'm really sorry and I hope you can forgive me. I thought you swung that way, but I was mistaken, and I apologize profusely. [The audience laughs as the camera returns to a wide shot of Steve Martin] Steve Martin: Okay, with that out of the way, let's get this thing moving. [energetically] We've got a wonderful show for you tonight. I'm here, so stick around, we'll be right back! [pause] Oh, and Prince is here too. [muttering to himself] Not that it matters... [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
